'Fat Bart' Script

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Dewey Finn
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New SNPP Employee
Posts: 16
Joined: Thu Jul 10, 2008 11:05 pm
Location: Ellicott City, MD

'Fat Bart' Script

Post by Dewey Finn » Thu Jul 10, 2008 11:16 pm

Here's something that I did in NoHomersClub.  I'd like an opinion from you guys.  Thanks

Blackboard Gag:
The ability to lick my elbow is not enough to present in ‘Show and Tell’

Lisa’s Sax Tune:
To the tune of ‘In the Mood’

Couch Gag:
The original family comes in and gets bewildered by seeing the futuristic Simpson family from ‘Lisa’s Wedding’ already on the couch. When future Maggie tries to say something to the original family, future Marge blocks her mouth.

Act 1

(OPENS with Mrs. Krabappel easing her physical pain on her desk in front of her class while all 4th graders are chit-chatting cheerfully. It is just few minutes before the end of the school year)

MRS. KRABAPPEL
(Opens her jars of medicines) Argh, these Advils for my aching shoulder…Tylenols for my head…and these specialized cortisone-pills for my aching back—(she drops her cortisone-pills). Oh damn it, my back hurts and I cannot bend down, Mayday, Mayday! Can anyone get them for me?

KEARNEY
Can’t bend down? Is that a reason why your ex-husband ditched you?

(Jimbo, Nelson and Dolph laugh at Kearney’s remark; other 4th graders are confused about it)

NELSON
Haw-haw!

MILHOUSE
What does bending down and divorce have to do with anything?

JIMBO
(Turns to Milhouse) Oh, you see, one particularly popular position—

MRS. KRABAPPEL
(Interrupts Jimbo) Knock it off, Jimbo! Milhouse, if you are curious, just go ask your mama.

MILHOUSE
Will do, Mrs. K!

BART
(Snickers) (Raises his hand) Ma’am, if you would rate this school year out of ten, what would you rate it as?

MRS. KRABAPPEL
(In-your-face style) What do YOU think?

BART
Awnno, ma’am. How am I supposed know? I mean I’m not a psychiatrist or anything.

(Mrs. Krabappel then gives him a stern-looking expression)

BART
(Feels a little bit shaken) Point taken. (Turns to his fellow hellraisers) Another day and another frowny face on teacher’s face for Bart Simpson!

(Milhouse and Lewis snicker together)

(The scene turns to Martin, who glares at Bart angrily for what he did)

MARTIN
(In a big, arrogant voice) Bart, normally I would’ve taken your jokes as a gentle humor, but you have gone too far distressing Mrs. K while she has a set of physical pains! Besides she has been taking your nonsensical-brouhahas with the gruel addition of your bone-headedness all year long… and now this! Have you no decency—

BART
(Sighs and interrupts Martin; flip-flops his hand) Whatever…

MARTIN
(Gets serious) Bart, I must beg you, if you have any decency to speak of, you should be on your knees and—

DOLPH
(Interrupts Martin) And bend down?

(Nelson, Jimbo and Kearney laugh, all other 4th graders are confused again)

BART
Listen, (switches to Italian accent) Martina Princess, (goes back to his original accent) if you love your teacher so much, why don’t you marry her?

(The entire class goes “Oooooooh” in unison; Mrs. Krabappel slaps her forehead in dismay)

BART
(Continues his rant) How about this? (Switches to sarcastic tone) ‘Ooh! I’m Martina Princess! I think I’m smart because I wear ‘Eau de Pocket Protector’ and uh…. (Drifts off because he can’t think of something else)…’ uh, yeah

MARTIN
(With his arms folded) Maybe if you had paid attention to Mrs. Krabappel’s lecture about creative speech in the Friday 12 weeks ago, you wouldn’t be having a problem like this.

BART
Give me a break Martin, it was Friday! I mean who gives a damn about studying in Fridays?

MARTIN
And what kind of things would happen to your future with that kind of attitude? You’ll go broke and be dead in the water, Bart.

BART
(Angry) Say that one more time and—

MARTIN
(Interrupts Bart; even more stern voice tone) Dead, in, the, water, Bart!

BART
You asked for it! (As he starts to jump toward Martin to beat him, someone grabs him on his back of the t-shirts; it’s Mrs. Krabappel)

MRS. KRABAPPEL
(Drops Bart) Knock it off, both of you! Oh dear Lord, why can’t I have a moment of peace in this class… (She massages her temples)
(All of sudden, a loud amplifier feedback noise is heard from the speaker; Mrs. Krabappel falls to the floor from the shock)

SKINNER (from the speaker)
Uh, sorry folks, I accidentally placed the microphone too close to the amplifier! Uh… thanks (microphone goes off) (Skinner then turns it back on) Oh, and if anyone had an ear damage or fainted from it, please don’t sue me, I know what you’re thinking. (Skinner turns it off)

(CUT SCENE to Ms. Hoover’s room)

MS. HOOVER
(Hums to the tune of ‘Wannabe’ by Spice Girls)

JANEY
(Whispers to Lisa) She must be feeling really stellar today, remember that last time when she hummed to that song?

LISA
You mean that time when Bart put that phony ‘Meet the Love of Your Life Today!’ pamphlet on her desk? Too bad it was a cruel prank to gather all the single teachers into a city morgue room.

JANEY
Oh… No wonder she was out on the very next day.

MS. HOOVER
(Stands up happily) Now that it’s the end, let’s play the guessing game!

(2nd graders start to murmur excitingly about the game)

MS. HOOVER
Okay, now, with the descriptions that I gave, guess what particular object that I’m thinking of: this is essential for your daily pleasure; this can be dark or slightly less dark; this has to be concealed under your clothes every time you go outside; this becomes the property of your wife after getting married; this hides things that are full of pleasant surprises; it’s a crime if you happen to touch this object of others without permission; and The bigger this is, the better. Any guesses…?

LISA
(Raises her hand) Is it a wallet?

MS. HOOVER
Oh, correct, Lisa! I hope you aren’t sick of this prize now, this is the only one I’ve got (Walks to Lisa’s desk and gives her the prize: a Garfield sticker set)

(CUT SCENE to the driver’s seat inside the school bus; Otto is seen staring at his watch for a countdown until the end of the last school day of the year)

OTTO
Five… four… three… two… one… blastoff! (Silence for few seconds) Oh, oops! We still have a minute left.

(The screen says ’50 seconds later’)

OTTO
…four…three…two…one… blastoff!

(A loud bell is heard; children begin to swarm their ways out of the school and create a Mecca-like stampede)

OTTO
(Slightly startled) Oh, snap, here it goes!

(Otto then turns on the song ‘Breed’ by Nirvana on the bus CD player; the song then plays on the background)

(The song continues; the swarming children are in the hallway; Groundskeeper Willie appears out of his janitor’s closet)

GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE
Ach, whilst these wee monkees take a break ‘dis Willie still stays in this stinkin’, smelly—(The swarming children causes him to collapse and he’s being stepped over) Ach! Help ‘dis Willie! ‘Dese children with those sugars are just damn strong fo’ Willie! (As Nelson steps on him, something ‘cracks’ on Willie’s leg)

(The scene turns to in front of the school bus that Otto is driving; children are banging on the bus entrance because it’s not open)

OTTO
(Nervous) Ooh, if I can survive this, I can spend my summer with those purple hazes and peyotes… (Holds up the bus entrance key) Alright, Otto Mann, you can do this!

(Otto stands up and stomps his way down to the bus entrance; he opens the entrance)

(All of sudden, the children swarm their ways into the bus while knocking over Otto; they step over Otto while disregarding him)

(The music on the background ends)

(CUT SCENE to few minutes later when all the matter is settled; Otto is a mess with his cap stolen, T-shirts torn, his pants are gone and one of the speakers from his headphone is missing)

OTTO
(Knowing that he is a mess after the stampede) Heh heh… It was worth the satisfaction that I’ll enjoy—(Something hits him on the back of his head) Ow! (Turns his back) You punks! Remember, I have a right to give you detention over the summer!

(CUT SCENE to the back part of the bus; Bart and Milhouse are engaged in a conversation while other kids are taking care of their own businesses)

MILHOUSE
Hey, Bart! Check out what I’m going to do over the summer!

(Milhouse takes out a paper that seems like it’s ripped from another paper)

BART
(Reads out loud) ‘The L’il Cheese Making Factory Camp for ages 7 to 12. Find out what it’s like to work the milk’ (Bart realizes something) Milhouse, aren’t you lactose intolerant?

MILHOUSE
Wha…? (Realizes that he is dangerously allergic to milk) Oh, crap!

OTTO
(Hears what Milhouse says) Okay, little potty-mouthed dude! You have a week detention starting tomorrow! Be there, kid, chop chop!

MILHOUSE
(Groans) Aww, this can’t get any worse.

BART
Can’t you cancel this camp or something?

MILHOUSE
I can’t according to the agreement that we signed on. And besides, it’s the only camp in my parent’s affordable price range that promises fresh air.

BART
(Reads some more) ‘…100% indoor activities’, hey, shows what you know.

MILHOUSE
(Startled) What!?? That’s not what I read on this paper—(sees what Bart points out) Awww, at least you didn’t have to point it out. I’d rather go to beach with my newly re-united family

OTTO
(Hears the word ‘beach’ and randomly assumes that Milhouse swore again) Alright kiddo, two weeks!!!

MILHOUSE
(Bewildered) What??? But I didn’t say any damn—

OTTO
Three weeks!!!

MILHOUSE
What the hell—(covers his mouth) that was reflexes, I swear!

OTTO
Alright, stay in the bus until I’m finished with all kids so we can talk it over!

(Milhouse groans)

BART
Sucks to be you, Milhouse. Because mom and Homer don’t even bother about putting me in any summer camp!

MILHOUSE
You got it lucky, Bart. (Sighs) Sets of diarrheas and allergic reactions, here I come. Wait, how come my parents couldn’t point it out?? IF they are my parents, shouldn’t they be smart enough not to put me in this dairy-infested facade?

(CUT SCENE to Van Houten home)

LUANNE VAN HOUTEN
Kirk, when was the last time we checked on Milhouse’s health records?

KIRK VAN HOUTEN
Well, I know that I didn’t check nothin’ after that divorce.

LUANNE VAN HOUTEN
(Startled)…oh dear! Kirk, we gotta do something about it!

KIRK VAN HOUTEN
Okay, may be later, but not now, it’s 4 to 1 for the Cubs in the 6th! (Sticks his ear on the radio)

LUANNE VAN HOUTEN
Oh! And I got this free gift card from Costington’s! Can we go there now, please?

KIRK VAN HOUTEN
Oh, certainly! But only if we can (Whispers something on Luanne’s ear; both giggle)

LUANNE VAN HOUTEN
Oh, sure we will, why not. It has been awhile, y’know, darlin’.

(CUT SCENE to Bart and Milhouse’s seat in the school bus)

BART
Don’t worry, you can ask those guys if you can make cheese exclusively out of… uh…goatmilk! If you are allergic to that, ask them about soymilk! (Changes to spookier voice tone) If they won’t allow you to, how about just the good ol’ plain water? That stuff will kill ya, heh heh heh.

MILHOUSE
You can make cheese out of water?

BART
The ones from Swiss taste like it.

MILHOUSE
(Astounded) No wonder they’re so rare and expensive! (Changes to disappointed tone) No wonder they suck!

BART
You are lactose intolerant and you’ve eaten cheese?

MILHOUSE
Yes, with ugly results.

BART
Anyway, about the camp, good luck, Milhouse. Just come back alive! (Pats him on the back)

BART’S BRAIN
(Sighs happily) My parents are the best! Let’s see… how can I spend my summer vacation?

(CUT SCENE to the Simpson house; Bart looks shocked in front of Homer and Marge; the dramatic music piece hits the background)

BART
(Frantic) You want me to choose a summer camp program???

HOMER
Sure, boy. Just choose one from this handbook that we just got from the mailbox. (Searches through the letters that he got from the mailbox) And—ooh, I also got the letter response for my comment on KBBL radio station. (Reads on) ‘Dear Mr. Simpson, despite your wishes, due to those prank calls that you have played against us in the past, we still decline to lift your phone number from ‘Don’t Call During the Live Broadcast’ list’—D’oh!!!

BART
But you can’t do this to me! Summer camps are for sissies like Milhouse, Wendell—

HOMER
(Interrupts Bart) Milhouse goes to a summer camp??? Marge, you don’t want him to be like that wimpy little Milhouse, do you?

(CUT SCENE to the school bus station)

MILHOUSE
(Pleading) …so I said ‘beach’, not that cuss word that starts with the letter ‘b’!

OTTO
And what word would be it?

(As Milhouse says the word, a large hawk flies over and squawks so the viewers cannot listen to what Milhouse has said)

OTTO
Aha! I’ve got you there, Milly-poo. A month detention for you!

(Milhouse slaps his forehead in dismay)

(CUT SCENE to the Simpson house)

MARGE
(Frustrated murmur) Homer, please… Bart, we figured that it’s about time you have to motivate yourself with something different after all this school year when you had to live everyday with same old mundane routine. (Hands Bart the handbook) Here, there are lots of programs and I’m sure there should be at least one that you would want to be in.

HOMER
(Still whines) But Marge! (Emphasizes his point) Milhouse…! I mean, haven’t you noticed how pathetic he is? C’mon, Bart, tell her about Milhouse—

(Marge then gives a stern look on both Homer and Bart)

HOMER
(Blocks Bart’s mouth) Point taken

(CUT SCENE to Bart’s room. Bart’s face is covered between the pages of the summer program handbook while Lisa is ‘chilling’ on Bart’s desk’s chair)

BART
(Sighs hopelessly) Oh, Lis, this is so uncalled for; I mean, even Nostra-whoitis-badamus wouldn’t have predicted it.

LISA
I’m surprised that you don’t like summer camps, Bart. I went to a fabulous saxophone camp last summer, and now, it has become a memory of lifetime.

BART
What did you do there? Learning ‘sax’ education stuffs? Or, how to ‘blow’?

LISA
(Gives Marge-like frustrated murmur) Look, Bart. All I can say is that going to summer camp shouldn’t be a bad experience for you. I mean, if you at least gain some experience or learn something from it—

BART
(Kind of pretends he doesn’t understand her) In English, please?

LISA
I am speaking in Standard English!

BART
(In hasty Spanish accent with a sarcastic tone) No entiendo ingles del estilo de ‘dorkita’

LISA
Oh, alright! But since I do have some goodness out of my heart, I’ll give you one last advice: Just choose the one that interests you the most.

(Lisa then walks out of Bart’s room)

BART
(In bugged tone) Some goodness ‘out of the heart’, alright. Find the ‘one that interest me the most’, my ass… (Starts flip through the pages) ‘Anime Drawing’, meh… ‘L’il Greenpeace Wannabe Club’, eww…‘Introduction to the Nuclear Power Science’, who needs that? ... (Sees something) Hello, what do we have here?

(The scene then shows the page Bart is looking at; it says ‘The Ultimate Children’s Fat Camp U.S.A.!’)

BART
Whooaa, check this one out! (Reads out loud) ‘Fresh air’… ‘Plenty of fun activities’… ‘Kind trainers’… ‘Refreshing dormitories’… This is kinda too good to be true! I remember that time I was in a fat camp after that heart attack… what do you know, I’m not that fat right now! Eh, what are you gonna do? (Flips the page)

(The next pages shows the supposed live pictures that are taken from the fat camp)

BART
Oh…my…God… (Bart’s jaw drops; the screen starts to show the pictures) Look at all these fatsos; they are so happy and—whoa, and the trainers are all chicks!

(CUT SCENE to Lisa’s room; Lisa is seen reading the information about the fat camp and viewing the pictures with Bart)

LISA
(Somewhat skeptic) Hmmm, I never knew that riding a rollercoaster in Six Flags is proven for weight loss; I mean I’m not sure about this, Bart.

BART
Lisa, if you are ten like I am, you’d know better than that.

LISA
Well Bart, what I can see from my trained eyes is that at least 5 out of these 8 photos look photoshopped.

BART
(Looks bewildered by the word ‘photoshopped’) In English please?

LISA
Simple, it looks like someone pasted this fat kid’s face to this kid’s body by using the (makes the quote-unquote finger sign) ‘magic box’. (Turns to other photo) And this fat girl has amazingly thin legs for her face size.

BART
Maybe she’s from… some planet where all people are giant-headed freaks!

LISA
(Sighs) Anyway Bart, I don’t think it’s pretty feasible for you to be in camp. (Pauses, changes to angrily astounded mood) And asking me to help you get fatter so you can get into the camp is ridiculous in spades!

BART
But c’mon, sis! You told me to choose the one that interests me the most and this IS the one! Others just plain suck or are the ones for geeks like Martin and Milhouse!

(Lisa hangs her head and grumbles)

LISA’S BRAIN
Okay, so you don’t want that responsibility AND you don’t want him to get fat. How about shifting your responsibility to others?

LISA
Uhh… you know what? Why don’t you ask dad about it? He’s pretty ‘well-rounded’, and y’know… ask for some pointers!

BART
(Ponders) You know what? You can’t be more right. I think I’ll ask Homer, a.k.a. ‘The Man Who Swallowed a School Bus’ or a.k.a. ‘Fat Tubs of Doo’. XX-Large undies, here comes ‘El Barto’! (Runs downstairs)

LISA’S BRAIN
Perfect! (Snickers) No way would Homer let him go fat. Ah, what a flawless plan. Maybe we can watch another part of moon cycle tonight while you can have a glass of soymilk mixed with chocolate syrup while I order the organs to suck the nutrients… (Brain then plays ‘Minuet’ by Mozart)

(CUT SCENE to the living room)

HOMER
(Hugs Bart) Oh, the boy wants to be like his old man!

BART
(Ecstatic) You mean?!

HOMER
Yes, Bart. I’ll teach you how I placed first in the hot dog eating contest! First, let me tell you my daily routines to teach you how to prepare yourself—

BART
Less talk, more wieners!

END of Act 1


Act 2

(OPENS at the Simpson garage. Bart and Homer are shown with bunch of hot dogs on a table)

HOMER
Now boy, the key to win these eating contests is simple; you just need to know these two words: practicing perfection. And by ‘perfection’, it means ‘the more, the better’!

BART
Does that mean ‘the most, the best’?

HOMER
(Feels inspired) Heeeey… I like that! (Changes mood) Now, if your mom hears something witty and smart like that, she’d have an urge to grow you as a doctor or lawyer, or any other sissy jobs. (Puts his hands on Bart’s shoulders; raises the tension) But you, my son, are going to be champion hot dog eater! Can you dig it?!!!

BART
(Energetically) Yes!!!

HOMER
There’s no substitute to winning! Do you hear me, boy?!!!

(Bart then starts to gobble down the hot dogs in front of him ferociously)

HOMER
(Graciously) That’s my baby! Woo-hoo!

BART’S BRAIN
(Sneakily) Heh, heh, heh… nice job there, Barty boy. (Suddenly, a painful ‘chomp’ sound is heard) Oww, the tongue!

(CUT SCENE to the kitchen 4 days later, Marge, Patty and Selma are seen chatting)

MARGE
Guess what? I just accomplished my short-term financial goal by collecting 100 dollars by selling Bart and Lisa’s old clothes!

SELMA
(Listlessly) Bravo, so you sell old craps, get 100 dollars, boom, then there’s happiness.

MARGE
(Slightly annoyed) At least I have an accomplished goal to speak of. I know you guys are busy working, but I think it would be exciting and nice for you to live your life toward your fixed goal; that way, you’ll feel like you are on the top of the world if you happen to succeed!

PATTY
Ahhh, why don’t you just tell it to Homer? It doesn’t seem that he has accomplished anything in his worthless life-gig.

MARGE
(Annoyed) He does have his own goals for his life!

SELMA
(Coughs up cigarette smoke) Suuuure he does, Marjorie, suuuure he does.

(Suddenly, Homer appears with Bart in the kitchen)

(Bart has gained a lot of weight and looks very bloated due to all these sausage eating ‘training’)

HOMER
Did someone say ‘goal’?

(Patty, Selma and Marge look at grossly fattened Bart and become stunned)

MARGE
Oh my God! Bart, what happened to you?!!

PATTY
Looks like the boy wanted to be like his old man. Congratulations, Bart, you’ve accomplished your goal! (Winks to Marge)

SELMA
Yeah, he cannot even fit himself in his tight, short pants (At that very moment, Bart’s shorts splits apart on his behind)

(Patty and Selma laugh; Marge approaches to Bart in horror)

MARGE
(Turns to Homer) Homer, I thought you took him to Capital City for 3 days to research about summer camps!

HOMER
Uhhh… yeah…. But it seemed like that he wants to be a champion hot dog eater in the future. (Raises his voice, turns to Patty and Selma) So my goal for previous days was to train Bart for it, suckers!

BART
(Victoriously) I’m invincible!

BART’S BRAIN
It’s about damn time mom asks you about the weight loss! These fats are starting to clog up the arteries!

MARGE
(Hangs her head, changes to hopeless tone) Patty, Selma, I’d appreciate it if you could get out of my house right now

PATTY
Oh, but I really want to see—

MARGE
(Furious, points to the main entrance) NOW!!

(CUT SCENE to the Simpson living room, every family member is there)

LISA
(Shakes her head in dismay) I cannot believe you’ve actually done it!

BART
That’s what you get for underestimating me, heh, heh, heh.

MARGE
(Puts her hand on her forehead in dismay) Bart, I thought you knew better than this after you suffered a heart attack.

HOMER
But this time, he’s making a progress in his career!

MARGE
(Slightly annoyed) Homer, there’s no future for Bart by being a (makes the quote-unquote finger sign) ‘professional’ hot dog eater.

HOMER
Then he can be a fat man on the circus sideshow for some extra money! I mean, there’s got to be someone who does that while all others get nicer jobs.

(Bart then starts his plan; he takes out a summer camp program handbook under his shirts; while pretending he’s just looking at it, he ‘accidentally’ flips to the fat camp page)

BART
Oh, woops! (Gives a wink to Lisa) Hey, a fat camp! I think I can lose some weight there, (shows the page to Homer and Marge) uh… let’s see, kind trainers, fun activities, yadda, yadda, yadda

MARGE
(Looks at the page) A fat camp in Tucson, Arizona??? (Looks at the pictures in the other page) Well it does seem that Bart could regain his shape in a fun way with this camp, and the price does seem affordable. But I’m not sure if this is the best summer camp subject for you, I mean, you have to pass on all other goodies such as math or British Literature!

HOMER
A fat camp? Over my dead body, Marge! I’m going to grow Bart as a—

MARGE
Forget it, Homer; he’s not going to die of a heart attack!

(Bart then looks slightly shocked)

MARGE
(Whispers to Bart) Sorry, but I had to say it.

HOMER
Wait, wait, wait, if being fat equals heart attack, how come I’m still healthy and alive?

MARGE
You had a heart attack and triple bypass surgery, don’t you remember?

HOMER
Oh, it wasn’t me! It was my friend… (Tries to think of a name)… named uh… Jack!

MARGE
Homer, I’m not going for your fantasy friend thing again.

HOMER
No! He’s my real friend! (Whistles) Jack, where are you?

(A rugged man with glasses appears as a fantasy of Jack; only Homer can see him)

HOMER
(Glad) Jack!

JACK
(In heavy British accent) Oh, whose fantasy am I now? (Sees Homer) Not you again, Simpson.

HOMER
(Turns to Marge) See, Marge? Do you see Jack? C’mon, y’know you see him, wave at him at least!

MARGE
(Stern) Homer, pretending it will make me angrier.

JACK
Oh, that’s it, I’m outta here (Disappears) (Reappears) Oh, by the way, I don’t have any heart problem, wanker! (Punches Homer on the face)

(Fantasy Jack disappears out of his sight)

HOMER
(Slightly irritated; rubs his face) Oww… he punched me… and it hurts! Now do you believe?

MARGE
Homer, you are being ridiculous! And besides, our Bart has already suffered a heart attack. I’m sure it was a gruesome experience for my special guy (Hugs Bart; Bart gives ‘thumbs up’ for approval)

HOMER
(Grudging tone) Alright, you wiiin. But remember, Bart. We made our promise… (increases his voice tone in each word) we… made… our… promise!!!

BART
(Cynically) Been there, done that.

HOMER
(Mad) Why you little!—(Jumps on Bart to choke him; he can’t choke him well due to his grossly thickened neck) Awww, I cannot punish him! Marge, we gotta put him into that fat camp! Let’s take care of our way to Arizona first.

MARGE
Hmmm… okay. Lisa, how far is Tucson, Arizona from Springfield?

LISA
(Whispers her answer to Marge’s ear)

MARGE
Hmm… it’s not that far from here… but it’s not that close either… wait, it’s more of ‘far’ than being ‘close’… or is it vice versa? Someone get me a map.

(CUT SCENE to the entrance of the fat camp in Tucson, Arizona)

MARGE
(Sees Bart getting off the car with his packages) Have fun in your fat camp, Bart! I hope this can see results since I had to pay extra for being late in the registrations.

BART
Thanks, mom. If you see me 3 weeks later in this same place, you’ll see the different ‘me’! Also, thanks for not letting Homer drive me; he makes me drive during his arranged naptimes. Y’know, although I do enjoy driving, these stubbier fingers make it real hard to grasp the handle

MARGE
Well, after you’re gone, what kind of crazy sorts of things can I do in Arizona? I mean, it feels like I need to do something after that long drive.

BART
(Ponders) Well, I hear medical marijuanas are legal here.

MARGE
(Stares at Bart with blank face expression for few seconds; turns back) Geez, what are they teaching children these days???

(CUT SCENE to inside the fat camp campus; the president of the camp is seen giving a speech. The scene turns to Bart and other fat children thrilled about the camp)

FAT KID 1
Normally, I’d be kicking myself for committing to go to a fat camp, but what can I say, I’ve been sold!

FAT KID 2
Yeah, I dropped my jaw while reading that paper so hard that it still aches now! (Feels the pain) Ow!

BART
Heh, a lockjaw might be a good cure for obesity.

FAT KID 3
(Whispers to Bart) Look at those smilely trainers! They must be smiling 24/7!

(As the fat kid 3 points one of the trainers for Bart, suddenly, the trainer’s face ‘cracks’ apart on her cheeks)

BART
Oh… my… God… look at her face! (Becomes more frantic, shouts out more)

(Several kids start to look at the trainer’s face while murmuring in suspicion)

TRAINER 1
(In low tone) Oh no, not again! (Points to the sky and starts to shout) Look!!! A UFO!!!

(The children’s attention changes to the sky; there’s no UFO, of course. While the children look at sky, the trainer puts her ‘face’ back on)

(The president of the camp then resumes his speech)

PRESIDENT OF THE CAMP
(Kind and smiley tone)…so as I conclude this orientation, I hope that we can accomplish your goals of weight loss in a feasible… fun… and functional way… (Changes to aggressive tone) Suckers!

(As the president snaps the finger, the sets of humongous fence arise and surround the entire camp; the trainers take off their smiley-face mask and their real faces are revealed)

BART
Heeey… it wasn’t her face… it was a damn mask! (Shouts to the trainer) Yo! Can I have that mask? I’d like to scare my sister with it!

(There is no response by the trainer while all the fat kids murmur in deep suspicion; some even start crying)

FAT KID 4
What is going on here???

PRESIDENT OF THE CAMP
I’ll tell you what’s going on here: you are bloodily trapped! So, for next 4 weeks—

FAT KID 2
Three weeks!

PRESIDENT OF THE CAMP
(Snaps his finger towards one of his trainers) Take that fatso to the camp counselor room! He’ll have such an arm hernia of his life!

(They take the fat kid 2 away)

FAT KID 5
The day 1 hasn’t begun yet, and I cannot take it! (Starts to cry and runs to the fence to climb over; but as she touches the fence, she gets dangerously electrocuted due to the high electricity of the fence)

PRESIDENT OF THE CAMP
(Snickers) I see that she has tasted her own medicine! (Turns to the children) Okay, you lardos, to the treadmill room! Stat!

(CUT SCENE to the treadmill room; the fat kids are shown running vigorously on the treadmills that are floating above brown and stinky water)

TRAINER 1
Alright, here are 10 more miles on the speed, fatsos! (She puts 10 more miles on the speed on every treadmill by her remote control)

BART
(Puffing, sweating, already exhausted) Torso… aching… legs… burning…! Feets don’t fail me—woahhh!!!(Falls out of the high-speeding treadmill and splashes into the brown water; there are already some kids that have fallen to the brown water)

FAT KID 1
Hey, welcome to the club!

BART
(Smells the odor of the water) Eww… what the hell is this stink?!!

FAT KID 6
Sorry if you are not comfortable, but we are on the cow crap juice; at least we don’t get to run!

FAT KID 3
Yeah man, relax! If you can get used to the smell, it’s not that bad—

TRAINER 2
(Has a rusty masculine voice; points to all the kids on the cow crap water) What in the bloody hell are you chumps doing?!! Okay, swim around for 50 laps, stat!!! Anyone who finishes last won’t get to take a shower! (Cracks her bullwhip)

(The kids grumble but start swimming)

(CUT SCENE to another room; the children are shown doing push ups; everyone seems to struggle on it)

BART
(Puffing, sweating) This… is… the… gayest… method… of push-ups ever!

(The scene changes its view upside down; it turns out that Bart and other kids are doing their push-ups on the ceiling while being held by the suctions cups attached to their feet; some other kids are seen passed out with their feet stuck on the ceiling; some kids even try to fall down, but the power of suction cups are just too much)

TRAINER 1
Faster, you slobs! (Looks at the kids one more time; seems dissatisfied) That’s it, if anyone falls down, y’all will have to do more in simultaneous pace, cavish?

BART
(Sulky) Ugh, this is the worst thing that has ever happened to my life. I wonder how much fun Milhouse must be having right now.

(CUT SCENE to a classroom in Springfield High; Milhouse is seen writing ‘I will not cuss’ on the board for his 4 week detention while Groundskeeper Willie is watching him)

MILHOUSE
(Massages his sore arm) At least I liked it when those smoking girls were here (Turns to Willie) couldn’t you at least try to nitpick them for 2 more weeks of detention? I’m lonely now!

GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE
(Is seen playing with a rubber ball by bouncing it against the wall) Shut up, boy! Argh, why am I doin’ this while I cou’d be havin’ a bowl o’haggis in the janitor’s room… (Suddenly gets angry about the thought and throws the ball violently against the wall; the ball bounces off quickly, barely misses Willie but gets Milhouse’s face and his glasses fall and get broken)

MILHOUSE
My glasses! (Points to Willie) Do you have any idea how much these babies cost?

GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE
(Frantically) Willie and no one didn’t see nothin’!!! (Jumps outside through the window; when he lands, a big, wet ‘splat’ sound is heard followed by Willie’s scream)

(CUT SCENE to the fat camp dormitory; in a small dormitory with good number of stinky beds packed inside, exhausted kids get in while groaning)

FAT KID 9
At least we coulda had a good dinner, but some doses of diet pills are not damn enough!

FAT KID 6
(Grumbling sound is heard on her stomach) My tummy hurts! I think I’m allergic to those pills! (Runs to the bathroom)

FAT KID 1
(Eyes half-closed) Please… quit… complaining… too… tired… to… talk… back… (Collapses to the floor)

FAT KID 10
Big deal, at least I’m sane as—(Starts to hallucinate due to the allergic effect of the diet pills; sees the collapsed fat kid 1 as a roasted pig) Uhhh… (Stares at the fat kid 1 and starts to drool)

BART
(Not as exhausted as others; watches the fat kid 10 drooling at fat kid 1) Hey, what the hell are you drooling at?!!

FAT KID 10
(Starts to hallucinate Bart as a rotisserie chicken; extends his arms to Bart) Must… have… chicken…

(CUT SCENE to 5 minutes later; the fat kid 10 is shown tied to the chair blurting out more words caused by his hallucinated mind (“Oh, why am I tied to these sausage links?... “) while some kids are lying down on the closely-packed beds while some complain about the dormitory conditions)

BART
(Talks to some other fat kids) This camp sucks! This room stinks, some wacko wanted to eat me, those trainers are veterans from Betty Ford Center, and there’s something fishy about this badge; every time I lick it, my tongue turns blue! (Sticks his partially blue tongue out to demonstrate)

(The kids go “ewww” in unison)

FAT KID 2
That’s not all; (Points to one particular bed that no one is lying or sitting on) look at that big, dark and red stain on that mattress! I know this room is packed like can of meatballs with provolone cheese and it would be nice if some of us can share that spot, but… I mean, think of the possibilities of that thing’s origin.

(Kids shudder simultaneously)

FAT KID 8
I know something even worse! I hear in the camp counselor’s room, they keep the Olmec Indian heads in there!

FAT KID 4
Nah, I’ve heard gay pornographies.

BART
That makes more sense, how fitting.

(A trainer enters the room)

TRAINER 3
(Takes a smoke from her cigarette) Alright, before you guys go to sleep, I have to tell one chore for all of you: the pillow fight is mandatory! (Coughs up cigarette smokes) Now, get up and fight! (Leaves the dormitory, slams the door)

(The kids are too weary and tired to even get up and grab their pillow; Bart is an exception as it seems that he does have some energy left)

BART
C’mon guys! (Hits one kid with his pillow) You turkeys, get off your asses and fight! (Hits another kid with his pillow) More blows, less bellows! (Bart then suddenly feels exhausted and falls down) Phew… I guess I’m now officially one of you.

(The scene turns to the one of the beds in the dormitory; two angry eyes are seen in the darkness under the sheets)

(CUT SCENE to the same fat camp dormitory; it’s way past midnight and everyone’s asleep except for one kid)

(The kid is seen carrying his portable light on his hand and his angry eyes are seen in the dark dormitory room; he is finding for Bart’s bed)

(When the angry kid finds Bart sleeping, he then turns off the portable light and starts to beat Bart violently)

BART
(Startled) What—the—(receives a blow to the face) ugh!—hell!—

ANGRY KID
(Still angry; slaps Bart on his cheeks) You malicious, horrible, egotistical son of a—

(Bart then manages to jump off his bed with the angry kid starts to choke him on the floor; they then go on to fight on the floor)

(During the struggle, Bart accidentally flips the switch on the angry kid’s portable light and picks it up; Bart runs away from him and at the wall, he reflects the light to the angry kid to see who he is; it’s Martin)

BART
(Points to Martin) You!!!

MARTIN
(Aggressive) Yes, it’s me. I don’t know how you ended up being grossly engorged and made your way to here, but I consider it very lucky for this because I can land my punishment on you for your cruel distractions that you placed on our teacher!

BART
(Smugly) I’m sorry, but nerds are not allowed to say ‘cruel’ and ‘punishment’ in the same sentence!

MARTIN
Right now, do you expect me to be how I used to be in school?

BART
What if I say ‘yes’?

MARTIN
(Holds for a second; starts to jump on Bart) Yahhh!

(They start fighting again while the kids start to wake up due to the noise. As the fight escalates, the kids chant “Fight! Fight! Fight!” with the lights on)
(Suddenly, one of the trainers in pajama gets into the room)

TRAINER 2
What the f*** (Doctored with ‘beep’ sound) is going on here?

BART
(Frantically; points to Martin) He started i—(Gets punched on the face by Martin)

(CUT SCENE to the camp counselor room; Bart and Martin look at each other vengefully)

COUNSELOR
Alright, you guys should’ve learnt that fighting is bad from your wee school!

BART
(Tries to be submissive) Right on, sir! I’m a pacifist, I hate fighting, and it’s not that I wanted to fight anyways.

COUNSELOR
(Turns to Martin) So you started a fight, eh?

MARTIN
Actually sir, yes. But you see—

COUNSELOR
(Interrupts Martin) Silence! Not only you wreaked the room chemistry, but also you showed half-assed effort during the workouts! I have never, never seen anyone who tried to run on the treadmill while playing on a laptop (Shudders). (Turns to Bart) Bart, since you at least showed the better effort, I’ll give your punishment tomorrow.

(Bart gets off the chair and runs out of the room)
(He’s now outdoors in the dark. When he stops to enjoy the fresh air after being in humid dormitory and counselor’s room, a red light suddenly signals the ‘escape alert’)

BART
(Frantic) What the hell—(Sees some trainers running out of their dormitories) (Fearful tone) I’m just enjoying the air, I swear—

(Suddenly, Bart’s attention goes to the fence where one hapless fat kid is trying to dig the ground under the fence to escape)

FAT KID 11
Crap! (Takes a look at his plastic shovel) Should’ve brought a bigger one! (Starts to dig frantically with his hands)

(The trainers then catch the kid and take him away to the counselor’s room)

BART
(Holds for a second; amazed) Daaang

(CUT SCENE to the Simpson house; Homer, Lisa and Maggie are seen watching television)
(They are watching the Krusty the Klown Show)

KRUSTY (In TV)
…so next time you see Sideshow Mel, he’ll be back as Sideshow Melanie! Yep, that’s right, Sideshow Mel decided to be a woman…

LISA
Didn’t they work this gag before? Other than one-man pie fight, this is another overused gag that Krusty has utilized.

HOMER
As long as it is funny, who cares? Besides, I wonder what would really happen if Sideshow Mel had a sex change…

LISA
(Sighs hopelessly) You’ll be one sad man next week, dad.

HOMER
Nuh-uh! (Points to Krusty in TV) That man’s never wrong! Don’t you remember that time when daddy bought Krusty’s Bug Spray? The label on it clearly guaranteed an efficient killing—and it did!

LISA
It killed one of Snowball I’s kittens!

HOMER
Well, at least it killed something, didn’t it?

LISA
(Groans)

KRUSTY (In TV)
…and now, it’s time for another, fresh-baked episode of ‘Itchy and Scratchy!’ (Does his trademark laughter)

(The normal Itchy & Scratchy intro plays)
(The title of the I&S episode is “Pain’s Labyrinth”)
(General Scratchy has captured Itchy the rebellion and demonstrates the tools that he would use to torture him)
(When General Scratchy tries to find one of his other tools, Itchy the rebellion manages to take out a small knife from his pocket and slashes down the rope that he’s tied with)
(Itchy the rebellion then stabs Scratchy on the back; Scratchy screams. Itchy then stabs Scratchy on the stomach; Scratchy screams again)
(Itchy then seizes Scratchy, puts the knife inside his mouth and slices through the entire face; Scratchy’s face skin peels off and he screams)
(Itchy then runs out of the torture room and gets greeted by his fellow rebellions; Scratchy, bleeding profusely on his face and other body cut parts, comes out with painful, yet angry expression)
(Itchy orders his fellow rebellions to kill Scratchy; they start mangle Scratchy in violent fashion)
(‘The End’ appears on the screen)

(Homer and Lisa are seen laughing in front of the TV)

HOMER
Hahaha, take that, you stupid cat!

LISA
Isn’t it wonderful for them to depict historic references into this wonderful, little cartoon?

HOMER
History??? Eww, nevermind that. What has history done for us? All those dead people and lousy events now have no impact on us whatsoever! That’s why we have science now, Lisa. At least you are good at that!

LISA
Dad, there actually is something that we can learn from Spanish Civil War. Besides, if it weren’t for it, we wouldn’t have watched ‘Pan’s Labyrinth’, and this episode would’ve never aired!

HOMER
But that movie was about a fairy tale! (Realizes something) Wait a minute; since the movie itself was derived from actual history, it means that there is a giant kingdom in the other world that we never know about! Wow, history does have a value!

LISA
(Gives a Marge-like frustrated murmur)

(Marge then appears in the living room)

MARGE
Well, it’s nice of you to spend your summer vacation being so relaxed yet entertained. Homer, it seems that you are not starving Bart’s turtle, and Lisa, your plant project seems to be going nicely!

LISA
Well, I still need more anabolic steroids; I mean, Dr. Hibbert told me that he’s not (Makes quote-unquote finger sign) ‘selling’ those as much as he used to after what happened in the Major League Baseball.

HOMER
Steroids, eh?

(Homer then imagines himself eating‘steroid-rich’ plants that Lisa invented; as soon as Homer’s imagined self cleans the plate, his body suddenly starts to grow larger in unstoppable pace)

IMAGINATION HOMER
Woo-hoo! I’m a freaking beast! (Touches his crotch) Eww, something feels like cringing down there.

(Homer’s imagination ends)

HOMER
Heh, heh, heh

MARGE
Anyway, with three of us having a satisfactory summer, I hope Bart is having a wonderful time in his fat camp.

LISA
Amen to that, mom!

HOMER
(Still disgruntled) I hope he doesn’t! Do you have any idea how much I’ve spent on those hot dogs?

MARGE
How much?

HOMER
Well, let’s just say that we won’t be having a normal Christmas this year. That’s how much I cared for his career, Marge! And you blew it!

MARGE
(Frustrated murmur)

(CUT SCENE to outdoors of the fat camp; Bart and other kids are seen hanging on the monkey bars with a 30 lbs iron ball tied to their back; they are all struggling to get to the next bar)

BART
Oww, my ear is itching; I think someone’s talking about me (Reaches his hand to his ear; he loses the stability on the bar and falls down)

END of Act 2
"My Homer Is Not a Communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star!"
- Abe Simpson
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Dewey Finn
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Re: 'Fat Bart' Script

Post by Dewey Finn » Thu Jul 10, 2008 11:16 pm

Act 3

(OPENS with bunch of tired fat kids slowly walking their way to the cafeteria for their ‘meal’; some are even seen crawling due to his or her tiredness)

BART
(Hopeful) Sweet diet pills! Oh, how I miss thou—(The camp counselor snatches Bart on the back) Woaah!!

COUNSELOR
Missing anything?

BART
(Aggressively) Yeah, I’m missing my dinner, man. Please, let me go!

COUNSELOR
I’m talking about your punishment!

BART
(Sighs hopelessly) Oh… that… Oh God, this whole ordeal even affects my photographic memory!

(CUT SCENE to the corridor of one of the small buildings in the fat camp)

COUNSELOR
Your punishment will be spending 24 hours in a room—without anything!

BART
24 hours?!! Without any food?

COUNSELOR
Silence! You should remember what the number one rule of this camp is!

BART
(Hangs his head) ‘Do not ask any questions’

COUNSELOR
(Opens the door of the room labeled as ‘Punishment Room (Formerly Olmec Indian Head Storage)’) Now get in there! (Pushes Bart in and slams the door)

BART
(Groans) So, I’m here alone without any fun eh—(sees someone on his sight)

(It’s Martin; he is seen very tired and hungry with big bags under his eyes)

BART
Well, well, look who’s here. (Pauses for few seconds) How come you’re not out yet?

MARTIN
(His throat is really dry) They sentenced me for 48 hours. Do you happen to carry something edible?

BART
Nothing

MARTIN
(Groans) Bart, I have to tell you this… I think I understand how you felt

BART
Felt about what?

MARTIN
Well, after you were gone, the counselor put a set of additional torturous punishments on me. Luckily I survived due to my past experiences of being wedgied, punched, kicked, pinched and hung upside down has toughened my durability during being punished. But something hit me—I started to hate someone who is above my authority, like how you are to Mrs. Krabappel! I feel like I’ve been living under rock without that magical yet unwelcome sensation…

BART
Welcome to my world. First, I'll serenade you with some doses of Indian sunburns followed by tickling as an extra!

MARTIN
Uhh... (hesitates) anyway, I want to say it’s a ‘sudden realization’ for me—ooh, I wish there was a word that defines it clearly!

BART
(sighs) You mean ‘epiphany’

MARTIN
(His jaw drops) Wow, how could you know that high-level vocabulary before I’d come to learn it?

BART
Eh, my old man Homer forced me to memorize it for some reason. I don’t think it’s going to be of any use in my ‘dead-in-the-water’ future anyways

MARTIN
If you still are offended about what I blurted out, I willingly apologize, Bart. Y’know, you really cannot predict one’s fate. Even Jay Gatsby started out being poor in his youth!

BART
Well THIS Jay Gatsby isn't becoming a nerd scientist in the future! In this pace, I'll be the master prankster in the future--getting paid to humiliate the others while pleasing for the riches!

MARTIN
Hmm... maybe it’s starvation-talking, but I am serious now, Bart. Besides, we must be in perfect harmony to survive in this land of Hades for 3 weeks or so.

BART
We could escape; but then there’s an ultra security system that really can catch us—I’ve seen one kid being caught, but luckily, his capture brought me an inspiration for our plan of escaping!

MARTIN
You know, this is only our 2nd day here—I mean our parents paid for it no matter how brutal it is, so why don’t we just be submissive and actually lose weight?

BART
Ugh, how about if you shut up, I’ll teach you another word that you wouldn’t have any damn clue about it?

MARTIN
(His eyes widen) I’m… listening.

(CUT SCENE to the Simpson house; Homer is seen eating a bag of pork rinds on the couch while Lisa is watching TV on the floor)

MARGE (in the kitchen)
Homer, a new set of mails arrived; could you come here and read them out with me?

HOMER
(With few pieces of pork rinds in his mouth) Didn’ ah see thos’ a week awo?

MARGE
Oh, please, it’s not like you checked it 2 and 5 days ago!

HOMER
(Turns to Lisa; still has some pork rinds in his mouth) Weesa! You whurd yur wom!

LISA
(Frustrated murmur; walks to the kitchen)

MARGE
(Looks at Lisa) Oh well then, now that you’re here, why don’t we see the mails together?

(Lisa sits on the chair and picks one of the mails; it’s from Bart)

LISA
Whoa, we got a letter from Bart! (Tears the envelope; takes out the letter) ‘Dear anyone in my family who reads this thing; if you happen to have either an invisible cloak, anabolic steroids, a recipe for gunpowder, the real Chuck Norris… (Continues on reading)

(3 minutes later, Lisa’s still reading out loud Bart’s letter)

LISA
…a giant shovel, electric tazers or trained man-eating hippos, please send it or them ASAP without any questions, thanks, Bart’ (Ponders) Hmm… there IS one thing from that list I can send it to him—but I wonder why he’d need it?

(CUT SCENE to the outdoors of the fat camp; it’s rainy in the early morning and Bart is wearing his raincoats; a mailman appears on the outside of the humongous fence that surrounds the fat camp)

MAILMAN
(Shouts) A letter for Mr. Bart Simpson!

BART
(Shouts) Just throw it over!

(Over the fence, a paper airplane flies over and Bart catches it; he then runs inside to his dormitory with the letter)

BART
(Takes off his raincoat) Ohboyohboyohboyohboyoh—wait a minute, why is this ‘package’ so thin? (Rips the envelope) Hey there’s nothing but this stinkin’ letter!

(The screen then shows Lisa’s letter that’s only written with a giant question mark)

BART
(Groans) Lisa really let her rhetorical sense go with this answer!

MARTIN
(Looks at the letter) Hmmm, for this letter, I think I know a good response for it. (Takes out a blank sheet of paper and writes a big exclamation mark as a response)

(CUT SCENE to the Simpson house; Homer and Marge are seen in the kitchen with a good amount of letters)

HOMER
Aww, do we really have to see the letters in a daily basis now?

MARGE
Well if this doesn’t fix your laziness, nothing will

HOMER
(Groans; picks a letter; recognizes it) A letter from Bart? That loser! (Discards the letter into the trash can)

(CUT SCENE to Bart’s dormitory; Martin is seen waiting while everyone else in the room is asleep; Bart then gets inside)

MARTIN
Ohh… is it here…?

(Bart then shakes his head in dismay)

MARTIN
(Groans) So much for that ‘master escape plan’, Bart. Well, since I’ve never been a menace before… what do we do after all our plans fail?

BART
Eh, ‘failure’ was not a word in Bart dictionary when it comes to this… well it is there now.

MARTIN
Out of curiosity, what did you see when that boy was arrested that inspired you of an escape plan?

BART
First of all, he’s a girl now for unknown reasons. Secondly, what I saw was… well… (Hesitates) Sorry, I just wanted to catch your attention about escaping.

(The scene turns to a hidden camera hid under the lamp shades)
(CUT SCENE to the camp main office; the president of the camp and several trainers are seen inside there; they have just heard what Bart had just said)

PRESIDENT OF THE CAMP
Well thank goodness that that little prick didn’t figure out the ultimate way to avoid the alert system

TRAINER 2
You mean, by turning all those hidden cameras off sir?

PRESIDENT OF THE CAMP
Yes, (gloomily) that is the ultimate ‘ticket’ for them. If any one of them happen to find where we are watching'em and escape, then more of them will diffuse their way out—but in the perfect world, some would insist to stay to balance the number of escapees and stay-ees—and stay constant for rest of their whole damn lives! That’s called equilibrium, people!

TRAINER 3
Sir, you don’t have to brag about the fact that you passed the chemistry class in the adult school last year. (Coughs up cigarette smoke)

PRESIDENT OF THE CAMP
At least I have an academic achievement to speak of, unlike you guys… but the important thing is that—they’ll never guess where this super-sensitive alert system is hid.

TRAINER 4
WE are the ‘super-sensitive alert system’ sir. Why do you think we have installed these hidden cameras?

PRESIDENT OF THE CAMP
We? It was I!—I couldn’t find the last bottle of Crystal Pepsi! It’s either I find it, or they sell it again! (Sits down on his chair, puffs on his cigar; switches to ominous tone; the screen turns into darker color tone) Which… they… never… will

TRAINER 1
Well, one question still remains: how the hell did they manage to send the letters?

(Silence for few seconds; trainers and the POTC take a glimpse at each other)

PRESIDENT OF THE CAMP
How the hell am I supposed to know that?

(CUT SCENE to camp dormitory. It’s late in the night and everyone’s seen asleep. The scene turns to Bart’s spot, where he is sleeping)
(Suddenly, Martin comes over to Bart’s spot and wakes him up)

BART
(Waking up) Ugh, mom, please, can’t I just use this chainsaw just for once—(awake, realizes that it’s Martin) Uhhh… what’s up, Martin

MARTIN
Bart, I know this not an appropriate time for it, but I have an idea

BART
(Turns his head away) Can’t listen—gotta start tomorrow with the sets of power cleans using rice sacs

(Martin then lifts Bart up violently)

MARTIN
I said listen up! (Silence for few seconds) Sorry, I don’t… know what I’ve become of

BART
I understand

MARTIN
Anyway… after all this crapola, I figured that we, the young, underaged homo sapiens-es, aka, children, are too weak to revolt against the adult—who virtually has the power—

BART
(Yawns) Boring!

MARTIN
(Holds Bart on his pajama edge) I said, listen up!

(CUT SCENE to the Prince home; Mr. and Mrs. Prince are seen checking letters)

MR. PRINCE
(Picks a letter; looks at it) Hmm, we got a letter from Martin! (Rips the envelope, mumbles through the letter)… well, looks like we better set his mental toughness when he comes back! (Wrinkles the letter and trashes it)

(CUT SCENE to the Simpson home; Marge, Maggie and disgruntled Homer are seen looking at letters)

MARGE
Well, Homer, I hope you can check the mails without whining, groaning or even faking your faint like you did last time. This time, you better set yourself as a good example for your daughter!

HOMER
Well, little do you know that Maggie’s brain is not fully developed enough to understand my actions, right Maggie?

(CUT SCENE to inside view of Maggie’s brain; neurons are seen asexually reproducing in rapid rate, a large screen appears in the center and it shows what Maggie sees with her eyes in her point of view, and the ‘sound sense’ of what Homer has said that Maggie hears all gets converted into the colors—words in good intention into bright colors and words in bad intention into dark colors)
(The screen then zooms out of her brain and her skull; the view now shows Maggie frowning after Homer’s latest line)

MAGGIE
(Gives a small ‘Hmmph’ as a disapprove-ment of what Homer has said)

MARGE
Homer, you don’t have to corrupt Maggie’s mind! (Picks out a letter) Well, we have another letter from—hold on a sec—an invitation from Tucson, Arizona??? (Rips the envelope and reads the letter out loud) ‘You have been invited to ‘Best of Both Worlds’ festival!—Where one of you can hear a lecture about coping with unhappiness with your spouse while other one of you can join the immensely intense competition of hot dog eating contest!’.

HOMER
Ohhh, don’t even talk about that stupid hot dog eating contest. Lousy, quitting Bart—

MARGE
Well then, I guess you do not want to be in the hot dog eating contest—

HOMER
Not that either Marge (gets into more serious mood). Maybe it’s because I haven’t shown him what I can do with those wieners. (Raises his tone) Hand me the car keys, Marge! I’m going to inspire Bart by winning that hot dog contest!

(CUT SCENE inside the Simpson car; Homer is seen driving while Marge is sitting on the seat next to him)

HOMER
Y’know, I really think it’s your waste of time to follow me!

MARGE
Just be thankful that I gave permission for you to participate in that contest. Well, at least I get to learn something there! Well, only thing I’m not sure about is that I don’t know if I chose a right babysitter for Maggie while we’re gone

(CUT SCENE to the Simpson house; Gil is seen mixing the baby food formula for Maggie)

GIL
Oh… let’s see here… (Gil mixes the formulas with water and the whole thing shrinks and evaporates) What the…? Oh well, don’t worry, you cute little baby, I’ll find something for you to eat and take you to shower

(CUT SCENE to interior of Maggie’s brain. The voice of Gil is translated through her ‘sound sense’ and every color that are translated are deep dark color)

(CUT SCENE to the interior of Homer’s car; Homer is seen driving and Marge is reading ‘To Kill a Parrot’ written by Weird Al Yankovic)

HOMER
Hey, Marge, you want some music?

MARGE
Ehh… just put a quiet one, I’m reading something here, Homey.

HOMER
(Slides a CD into the player) Whoops! Too late!

(The player plays ‘The Everlasting Gaze’ by the Smashing Pumpkins; Marge murmurs frustratingly)

HOMER
(Singing along to the song while butchering the lyrics) ‘You know I’m nachos! You know I’m naaachooos! Y’know I’m nachos!—

MARGE
(Cautiously) Homer, you’re starting to drive too fast—slow down!

(CUT SCENE to outside of the car. Chief Wiggum is seen measuring the car velocities inside his police car; when Homer’s car’s velocity registers as ‘82mph’, Wiggum takes his walkie-talkie)

WIGGUM
(Speaking on the walkie-talkie) Attention! We’ve got a ‘1F07’ in the 695 Highway up here! ‘1F07’!

(CUT SCENE to interior of Homer’s car; Homer is seen singing while still butchering the lyrics while Marge looks distracted by the music)

HOMER
(Sings along) ‘Forgotten touchis… forbidden donuts… we must never waste them away… you know I’m nacho—‘ (Notices few police cars coming after his car outside) Hey, what the hell?

MARGE
Ugh, do you have any idea how fast you were going?

HOMER
All I know is that I was psyched to the music. Well, you don’t want to get caught on your way to the hot dog contest! (Homer speeds up and the car goes in very fast speed)

(CUT SCENE to the fat camp; all the kids are seen lined up with petrified face expressions)
(Trainer 2 enters into the exercise room with a bull whip, giant hammer, rope, and a bucket with a label that reads ‘hot lard’)
(More trainers enter and each wears their black masks on their head)

BART
(Looking tired, eyes half-closed) We’re screwed

TRAINER 2
Okay, for next 3 hours, you guys are going to be moving around the place with 100% intensity without any rest! If we catch anyone resting, you’ll be punished in very unpleasant manner

(Trainer 4 then pours a bit of ‘hot lard’ on the hammer; the hammer melts. All kids get scared)

TRAINER 1
Now, get movin’! (Cracks her bullwhip)

(CUT SCENE to the highway; many more police cars have joined the chase of Homer’s car)

MARGE
Homer, please… this is the matter of life and death, why won’t you surrender?

HOMER
Well, I still count my son’s success over everything, why should I stop? Ever heard of ‘parenting’, Marge?

(CUT SCENE to the inside view of the helicopter that is flying over the chase. Kent Brockman and Arnie Pie are seen)

KENT BROCKMAN
This is Kent Brockman from the Channel 6 Live Action News! I’m on the air with Arnie Pie inside the helicopter delivering you the real car chase!

ARNIE PIE
Kent, from what I see, it seems that… the beefy man in the car is taking…. a long, blue pillow for a ride! I think he is insane, Kent! My guess is that the blue pillow has been a love target of him for years, but since that he cannot bring it to life, he wants to end it all with this dramatic scene of car chase. What’s your thought, Kent?

KENT BROCKMAN
(Astounded by Arnie’s comment) Well… uh.... A-hem, this of course, is a reminiscent of that horrible chase back in 2002 when a man had an exotic panda inside his trunk.

(CUT SCENE to the fat camp; some kids are seen running around, but some are seen being punished in diverse ways on the side of the room)
(When Bart runs, he accidentally trips on other kid’s foot)

BART
Owww!!! (Tries to get up, but he feels a pain) My… ankle!

(Suddenly, trainer 2 appears over him)

TRAINER 2
Stopped, huh?

BART
Listen, lady, I can’t run! Try running when your ankle turns into a taco meat—

TRAINER 2
(In spooky voice tone) A little dose of flaming lard will cure it boy (Grabs Bart’s other ankle and drags him to the side of the room)

BART
(Along with a dramatic music hit on the background) Noooooo!!!!

(CUT SCENE to the interior of the Simpson car)

HOMER
(Looks at the back view mirror) Wait a minute, we are well out of the state line and into Arizona now! How come those Springfield cops are still chasing us???

MARGE
(Looks back) Eh… they just stuck a big ‘FBI’ sticker on their cars somehow! Homer, please… now that FBI’s chasing us, can’t we just surrender before paying a big price?

HOMER
No, Marge. According to the navigator, we are few miles away from the site.

MARGE
So what if we reach there??? They are still going to arrest us!

HOMER
Hrrmph, not with that attitude

MARGE
(Sighs) Alright… Looks like we have no choice here. Hrmmph! (She tries to take the control the car by grasping the handle)

(When Marge forcefully turns the handle to change car’s direction, Homer fights back and changes direction again. They continue the retaliations and fights over and over while shouting and reprimanding each other with the words like ‘Let it go!’ ‘Take your hands off!’ or ‘Over my dead body!’)

(The exterior view shows the car going absolutely ‘nuts’ with random directions with Homer and Marge fighting for the control inside)

(CUT SCENE to interior of Wiggum’s car)

WIGGUM
Oh dear, what’s going on there? (Takes out his handgun) Eh, the my sense says that I can use this anytime I want… and I thought I read something like that when I was studying for the test years ago… oh what the hell—(fires the shot)

(CUT SCENE to the interior of Homer’s car)

(Homer and Marge are seen continuously fighting for the control and when Wiggum’s shot barely misses the back-view mirror and pierces the front part of the car above the front wheel, Marge shrieks)

(As Marge loses control after being shaken by the gunshot, Homer takes control and starts to drive furiously as the navigator directs him to the ‘hot dog contest’ spot)

HOMER
Hehehe, now what do you say—(a gunshot barely misses Homer but gets his hair) Waughh!!!

(Marge then jumps on Homer’s back to struggle to take the control)

MARGE
I…don’t…care…just gimmie! Give it to me!

HOMER
Never! Just look at that damn navigator! We’re so damn close now!

MARGE
Do…you…think… I give a damn about it—(recognizes the scenery outside of the car) Wait a minute, you’re driving on the way to Bart’s fat camp!

HOMER
What? Let me see the address! (Takes out his address paper and looks at the address) Huh… it does look like we are getting near to this address—

MARGE
(Frantic) Look out!!!!!!

HOMER
Look out for wha—(takes his eyes off the address paper; sees that his car is about to run over the entrance of the fat camp)

HOMER and MARGE
Waaaauuuuuugggghhhhhhh!!!

(The accelerating car inevitably crashes and powerfully destroys fat camp entrance, runs into the 1 story building where Bart and all other kids are performing the being abused by the trainers)
(Suddenly, the car stops as the building’s wall collapses and the view inside the building is revealed)

HOMER
(Dumbfounded over the disaster; mumbles out some nonsensical words) Wha… oh, I guess it was a good decision to accidentally forgetting to fill the gas before the ride

(All of sudden, many police cars stop behind Homer’s car and several police officers step out of the car)

WIGGUM
Well, we’ve got your ass now, Mr. hot rod! Now, come out and—(takes a look at the view of the interior of the building) oh dear Lord!

(Wiggum and other officers get horrified to see the entire façade of the fat camp; kids being abused with bullwhip, tortured with ‘hot lard’ and many other punishments being used)

(The scene turns to Bart and Trainer 2, where the trainer was about to punish Bart but thwarted by the destruction of the building)

TRAINER 2
Ahhh! What is going on?!!

TRAINER 1
They found out about our acts, fellow trainers, let us run for our lives—

(Lou fires a gunshot that barely misses Trainer 1)

WIGGUM
Run for your lives, yeah right! You are under arrest for child cruelty and running of the dreaded fat camp!

(Soon, the police officers are seen handcuffing the president of the camp and the trainers)

BART
(Limping on his leg) Mom! Homer! (Hops on his leg with his strength and jumps into Marge’s arms)

MARGE
Oh, my special little guy! (By his appearance, she then realizes how Bart has been abused in the camp)

(They hug each other tightly)

HOMER
Well, that is that… but what about the hot dog contest? (Takes out the navigator from his pocket) Look! It is the right address, but what gives?

BART
Well, I’ll explain that… me and my friend Martin—

MARGE
(Eagerly) Martin is your friend now??

(Martin then appears in a triumph-ful manner)

MARTIN
And indeed we are! Madam Simpson!

BART
Uh… yeah, anyway, I just couldn’t take being here, knowing that it really wouldn’t work, I just decided to send you guys a fake letter that would spark your interests to bring you guys here!

HOMER
(Disappointed) What the…? So there’s no hot dog contest? No opportunity to inspire you? No wieners? (His anger then boils up) Why you little—(tries to choke him, but Marge slaps his hand to stop him)

MARGE
Homer, my son has had enough sufferings! And thanks to those reporters (points to Kent Brockman and Arnie Pie’s photographers, who are taking pictures of the scene) the world now can hear story of yours! (Turns to Martin) And also yours, Martin

BART
Well, I’m so thankful that you guys are here. Even you, Homer, I’m not that thin enough for you to choke me now, by the way

HOMER
Aww….

(CUT SCENE to the inside of not-so-completely-damaged Homer’s car)

MARGE
Well, I’m going to give you boys a big reward now! First of all, I’ll take you guys for some good food! And when we win the court case against the fat camp, we will be able to get some money for liposuction surgery for you guys

(Bart and Martin both cheer)

(CUT SCENE to one particular family restaurant. Homer, Marge, Bart and Martin are seen sitting on a booth, waiting for something)

(Waitress—who resembles Kelis a lot—is seen carrying two huge cups of milkshakes)

WAITRESS
(Hands the milkshakes to Bart and Martin) Here you go, hero boys! Enjoy the milkshake that I made especially for you!

(Bart and Martin both takes a slurp of the milkshake)

BART
(Savors the taste) Mmm, yeah, now this is something to die for!

MARTIN
It is! Oh, the taste of sugar, how I have miss thou!

WAITRESS
(Whispers) Well, my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard (Snickers)

THE END

(The ending credit comes out along to the music ‘Milkshake’ by Kelis)
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Re: 'Fat Bart' Script

Post by c_nordlander » Sun Jul 13, 2008 11:52 pm

OK, some nitpicks: I'm pretty sure Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney aren't in the fourth grade. The name of the country is "Switzerland".

Also, typoes: "gruel addition" must surely be "cruel" (or "gruelling"); "cavish" should be "capisce". Also, "someone grabs him on his back of the t-shirts" should be "someone grabs him by the back of his T-shirt"; "had an ear damage" doesn't need the "an"; "swarm their ways into the bus" should be "way"; "Marge then gives a stern look on both Homer and Bart" should be "*to* both Homer and Bart"; "a memory of lifetime" should be "the memory of a lifetime"; "the key to win" should be "winning"; "all these sausage eating ‘training’" should be "this"; "Bart’s shorts splits apart" should be "split"; "he is finding for Bart’s bed" should be "searching"; "Not only you wreaked the room chemistry" should be "Not only did you wreck the chemistry room"; "greeted by his fellow rebellions" should be "rebels"; "raincoats" should be "raincoat" (he's obviously only wearing one); "destroys fat camp entrance" needs a "the". It's "letters", not "mails" (you use "mail" when you're talking about all letters received collectively). It's the "wheel" of a car, not the "handle". "where Bart and all other kids are performing the being abused by the trainers)" makes no sense: possibly you've used the wrong word here.

There are some good-to-brilliant jokes here: I particularly love "Jack". A brilliant joke, and not overused, which would be easy. And a Chuck Norris reference! The gruelling training in the fat camp is inventive and hilarious. I also like the prank Bart played on the single teachers.

The idea is fairly original: while the "fat camp" thing has been done before (I haven't seen the episode, though), as you pointed out, having Bart *wanting* to go there is nice and unexpected. The plot progresses nicely, and generally in the style of the show. I thought the resolution was a bit simplistic (I would have wanted a more drawn-out and climactic ending), but it was logical and worked. Everyone is in character, though Bart's lines sometimes feel just a bit verbose and intellectual. (This is part of the slight language problem, for which see below.) It's not bad, just a little bit off. I also liked having Martin as an important character. You've given him an unusual amount of depth.

Now, for the negatives. (I do this with all fics. Please don't feel disheartened by any criticism here: it's intended to encourage improvement, not to hurt too badly.) There is nothing really bad about this fic, just bits that aren't as good as they should be. While there are good jokes, they are a bit far between, and some others fall flat (the Itchy & Scratchy "Pan's Labyrinth" parody, for one thing, didn't really add much to the source material). Also, like I said, the ending felt a bit anticlimactic.

A note on the language: I take it you're not a native English speaker. Your English is still quite good (probably better than that of a lot of English speakers), and not in the least incomprehensible, but I advise you to, well, read more English books and iron out your idioms a bit. You might want to get a beta-reader, but that's not necessary.

All in all, quite entertaining. I hope to see more from you in the future.

Rating: B
Last edited by Anonymous on Mon Jul 14, 2008 10:34 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: 'Fat Bart' Script

Post by Dewey Finn » Tue Jul 15, 2008 1:44 am

A Spy in Mancunia wrote: The idea is fairly original: while the "fat camp" thing has been done before (I haven't seen the episode, though), as you pointed out, having Bart *wanting* to go there is nice and unexpected. The plot progresses nicely, and generally in the style of the show. I thought the resolution was a bit simplistic (I would have wanted a more drawn-out and climactic ending), but it was logical and worked. Everyone is in character, though Bart's lines sometimes feel just a bit verbose and intellectual. (This is part of the slight language problem, for which see below.) It's not bad, just a little bit off. I also liked having Martin as an important character. You've given him an unusual amount of depth.
Thanks!
Also, like I said, the ending felt a bit anticlimactic.
I'm not complaining, but I never understood the meaning of the 'ending being anticlamatic'.  I've heard it a lot, but never really bothered to look it up.  Can you explain it to me?  Thanks
A note on the language: I take it you're not a native English speaker. Your English is still quite good (probably better than that of a lot of English speakers), and not in the least incomprehensible, but I advise you to, well, read more English books and iron out your idioms a bit. You might want to get a beta-reader, but that's not necessary.
You're right.  I started to speak English when I was 11 (which would be 6 years ago) and I do have some difficulties on the ideas that I'm expressing.

I'm happy with B grade really.  I didn't really expect it to have an acclaim or anything like that since I felt that it had a wacky premise and it's the first full script that I've written.  Thanks
Last edited by Dewey Finn on Tue Jul 15, 2008 1:51 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: 'Fat Bart' Script

Post by c_nordlander » Tue Jul 15, 2008 7:55 am

"Anticlimactic" means, basically, that the resolution to the story doesn't correspond to the build-up: i.e., instead of the resolution being the "climax" or high point of the tension in the story, it kind of fizzles out anyhow. In the case of your script, the ending
Spoiler
is just too simple and is over too quickly, as if you got tired of the script and just wanted to wrap it up as quickly as possible (whether or not this is actually true). It's not *very* anticlimactic, but a bit. Whereas, for example, if you had Marge and Homer organise an elaborate rescue attempt, it would seem more worthy of all the build-up to this point.

As for your English: I'm not trying to be nice to you when I'm saying that it is quite good. I wasn't even sure that it wasn't your first language. I'm not a native English-speaker myself, and my first fanfics in English were a lot worse than yours. I don't have any trouble understanding your writing, you simply have a bit of a problem with idiom (for example, saying the "handle" instead of the "steering-wheel" of a car is comprehensible to the reader, it's just not the normal way of expressing it). Just reading more books in English should help you ironing out the difficulties in your writing.
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Re: 'Fat Bart' Script

Post by Dewey Finn » Tue Jul 15, 2008 1:03 pm

A Spy in Mancunia wrote: Whereas, for example, if you had Marge and Homer organise an elaborate rescue attempt, it would seem more worthy of all the build-up to this point.
I actually had that as one of the options to end the episode, but I like the twist of showing what the audiences know while the character doesn't know anything what is really going on.  I guess I don't really have a regret for this ending, but I'll definitly think of the other method next time I write the script..
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