Santas' Refugee

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Santas' Refugee

Post by kaspired » Sun Dec 18, 2011 2:24 am

I'm writing another story. Be kind, I'm not that good at this...

Haden't planned on writing one, but the line I used in the "Santas Refugee" drawing about Santa chain ganged the Neptunian population to work in his factory and the Neptunians who are able leave got me thinking. This is only the first chapter, with a couple of more to follow. I'll try to cover how the refugees escape the planet, and how Heather (who is a little vain and shallow) could become an interplanetary smuggler.
Chapter One
Chapter One

Santa's Refugee

Part one

It was a dark and stormy night (not really, I just needed some kind of opening phrase to start with)…

Hermes was in his office happily sorting paperclips when an alarm sounded. Not much of an alarm, just a chime that somebody had entered the Planet Express offices. He glanced at the monitor, and saw the visitor staring at him through the camera lens.

He rang Amy to see to the visitor. There were still more paper clips that needed attention.

Amy grunted, put away her nail polish, and headed downstairs.

“Hello?” Amy asked as she entered the office lobby.

“Oh, hi. I’m hoping I could hire your ship.” Their potential customer was wearing a brimmed hat, and a well worn lightweight full length coat. She pulled off her hat, exposing purple skin, a slightly pig like nose, and greenish black hair. She shook off some rain drops from the hat and hung it on the back of a chair.

“My name is Heather, and I want to have a crate shipped from LeVerrier Port on Neptune to my flat.”

“Oh easy. You mean the Neptune in this solar system, right?”

Heather paused, not quite sure how to answer, and finally decided to glare. “Is there another?” She sighed, then said “I used to work at a Day Spa and Planet Express was a customer there once. That’s how I picked you.”

Amy raised her eyebrows, “Really? Thought you looked familiar. But…oh, oh yeah, Now I remember you. Sorry about the mess…”

Another glare. “When that robot over-pumped the tar, it caused quite a lot of damage. Expensive damage. Well let me spare you the details, but my manager needed a scapegoat and fired me over that.”

“What? Why?”

“Only because you were my clients and I couldn’t control all of you.”

“Oh” Amy fidgeted with some items on the desk. She brightened and changed the subject. “Er, Back to the matter at hand. What’s the cargo? When do you want it delivered?”

“I’m bringing back some items to sell here. Since I lost my job,” another glare, “I’ve tried several different things for money. I even tried a motorcycle photo shoot. But the cheapskate never paid me. Anyway there is a fair sized number of Neptunians here on Earth and I’m shipping in special clothes for us. Know how hard it is to get decent shirts with four sleeves?”

“Well, I had never thought of that.” Amy studied her client closer. Heathers' jacket was thread bare, and her nails were a mess. Amy stopped waving her freshly painted nails.

“And besides, I figure Planet Express owes me a big favor.” Heather picked up her hat, shook off the last couple of raindrops. “A couple of other things, the delivery has to be here in two weeks, and I’m coming with you.”

“We’re not really a passenger liner, you know. It’s a working ship.”

“I can imagine.” Heather lowered her head and muttered, “But it’s been so long since I’ve been home.” Then loud enough for Amy to hear, “Also knowing the Planet Express reputation, one of you’ll dump the crate and then say you ‘dropped’ it off.“

Heather turned and headed out the door into the night.
Last edited by kaspired on Mon Jan 09, 2012 1:01 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: Sanats Refugee

Post by c_nordlander » Sun Dec 18, 2011 8:51 pm

Interesting idea for a story!

Some of the points below might come across as a bit nitpicky, but I don't intend to be harsh. (It's mostly easily-fixed technical nitpicks anyway.) You're a good writer; I just want to give you some input that would hopefully make your story even better. If I don't remark on something, assume I liked it.

EDIT: Moved to the right board now.

EDIT: OK, the title still needs to have a typo fixed (it should be Santa's, not Santas'). Still a good title.

Nice opening. Seems in character for Hermes.
and saw the visitor staring at the camera lens looking right back at him.
"Staring" and "looking" are really saying the same thing twice. I'd change it to something like "staring right back at him through the camera lens", or something similar.

The description of the visitor is good.

Typo: "and hug it on the back of a chair" should be "hung"

Typo: "cheap skate" should be "cheapskate"

I like the comment about special clothes for the Neptunian community on Earth.
Amy studied her client closer, that jacket was thread bare, and her nails were a mess.
This would read better as two sentences, if you put a full stop after "closer".

OK, this is off to a good start! I didn't remember Heather from "Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles", but her having met the Planet Express crew before makes it realistic that she would go to them.

There isn't a lot of plot so far (though what you have so far makes me want to read more), but from what you've told us of the story, I'm interested. It's an original idea, and I haven't read a lot of fics that focus on Santa and his Neptunian slaves. It's well-written so far. Amy's in character, shallowness and all.

I don't think there's anything bad in this chapter. Heather doesn't seem to have a lot of personality so far, but I assume that'll be more fleshed-out as the story progresses.

Good stuff so far. I'll be happy to read more.
Last edited by c_nordlander on Tue Dec 20, 2011 10:53 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: Sanats Refugee

Post by kaspired » Mon Dec 19, 2011 1:39 am

c_nordlander wrote:Interesting idea for a story!

Nice opening. Seems in character for Hermes.

The description of the visitor is good.

I like the comment about special clothes for the Neptunian community on Earth.

OK, this is off to a good start! I didn't remember Heather from "Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles", but her having met the Planet Express crew before makes it realistic that she would go to them.

There isn't a lot of plot so far (though what you have so far makes me want to read more), but from what you've told us of the story, I'm interested. It's an original idea, and I haven't read a lot of fics that focus on Santa and his Neptunian slaves. It's well-written so far. Amy's in character, shallowness and all.

I don't think there's anything bad in this chapter. Heather doesn't seem to have a lot of personality so far, but I assume that'll be more fleshed-out as the story progresses.

Good stuff so far. I'll be happy to read more.
Oh cool, glad you like this. Writing is a very new thing to me, and I’m a little unsure.

I’ve made the grammar corrections, and looking into having the story moved to the right page. I had a feeling this was misplaced.

Couple of details on the story:
Amy noticing Heathers fingernails will come in later also. Heather is going to walk in with a very expensive nail job. That’s when the crew (Amy in particular) will start thinking there is something weird going on.
The port “LeVerrier” is named after one of the two astronomers who predicted where Neptune should be before it was actually seen.
The reference to the “cheapskate photo shoot on a motorcycle” referred to my drawing of her on the bike.

So thanks for the encouragement. I’ll have to start pounding away on the next chapter.
Last edited by kaspired on Tue Dec 20, 2011 6:44 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Santas' Refugee

Post by Gulliver63 » Mon Dec 19, 2011 10:10 am

Isn't writing fun? The part about the astronomer was really great...when I first saw the name, I wondered where it came from. Name-dropping like that is very fun. Amy drying her nails was very in-character. This was good because you've got us asking, "What's going on here?" We're all ready for more... :amy
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Re: Santas' Refugee

Post by Gulliver63 » Sun Dec 25, 2011 8:37 pm

Mike, I forgot to blather about Heather's hands...they are just fantastic. Very well done.
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Re: Santas' Refugee

Post by kaspired » Mon Dec 26, 2011 4:26 pm

Gulliver63 wrote:Mike, I forgot to blather about Heather's hands...they are just fantastic. Very well done.
Thanks. Getting two pair of arms and the required number of hands to do two differnet things was a bit of a mind bender. Did you notice the gun? It has a wind up crank handle.
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Re: Santas' Refugee

Post by kaspired » Sun Jan 08, 2012 4:32 am

After a few false starts, well okay, lots of false starts, I finally have the next chapter done.
Chapter two
Chapter two
Santa's Refugee

Chapter 2

Neptune was in the furthest reaches of its orbit, beyond Pluto. Leela was glancing through the tour guide pamphlet. She was glad that the question of Pluto being a planet was ancient history. But Fry seemed to have it confused with a dog. She didn’t understand.

“How much longer?” Amy asked to nobody in particular.

Leela sighed. “When these porpoise heads in LeVerrier give us a docking berth.”

“Yeah, but how much longer?”

“Did your parents ever take you on long trips?”

“No.”

“So I guessed.”

Fry wandered in. “Hey, when are these porpoise heads going to get a berth for us?”

Amy kept filing her nails, Leela dropped her head onto the console.

“And when is Heather getting back? We need her to sign that crate through customs.”

Amy perked up, “You know it was strange that there was a shuttle waiting to pick her up as soon as we arrived here. We can’t even get a berth, and she’s like so out of here.”

Leela raised her head, rested her chin in her palm, and inhaled to say something but was interrupted by a chime from the control console.

“We have a space in LeVerrier! Move over, boredom! Here we come.”

LeVerrier Port was a freight depot orbiting the equator of Neptune. This was the off season for the port, other times of the year it was almost exclusively used by Santa. In spite of what Amy thought was a long time, the PES was able to secure a berth relatively quickly.

The Neptunians crewing the station were efficient. When the PES landed, there was a yellow crate waiting for them.

Bender looked out the window, “I’m not picking that up. You need my predecessor, Lifter.”

“Bender!” Leela whapped Bender in the back of the head. “C’mon, let’s go see this thing.”

Heather hired the PES crew to deliver clothing specifically made for Neptunians on Earth. But this didn’t look like a crate of clothes. It was yellow, lumpy, made of plastisteel, and about as high as Fry’s shoulder. Across the surface was printed several different warnings in different languages.

“Man, what kind of clothes are these?” Fry rubbed his elbow.

“Apparently shirts with four sleeves.” Leela opened the inspection hatch, and glanced inside. And was rewarded by a view of different colored fabrics sealed in plastic. Then she noticed the freight bill of lading. “Oh, oh look. Heather has already signed this through customs. How’d she do that? Where is she anyway?”

A crew of six Neptunians arrived. The lead pair instructed the group to load the crate into the ship. But they weren’t able to. More hands were called. Still the crate was too heavy. A third crew arrived. The eighteen Neptunians finally pushed the crate onboard the PES.

“You’d never get me to lift that,” Bender chimed in.

“You didn’t,” muttered Leela. “Let’s find Heather and get the seventeen shades of Hades out of here.”

Inside the ship, the crew was anxious to leave. The thought of a quiet delivery to New New York ran across everybody’s mind. Fry and Bender sat in the forward lounge, Amy in the engineer position, and Leela settled herself into the Captain's chair. Amy finally noticed the light blinking on the communications desk.

“Oh, joy. It’s from the Professor. I hope he doesn’t start with…”

“Good news, everyone! We have a bonus! There is a passenger on Neptune who needs to be taken immediately to Earth. And he’s paid us already!”

Amy and Leela looked at each other. “But we’re not a passenger ship, we’re…”

“Now I know we’re not a passenger ship, but he doesn’t mind. Neither do I. With this payment I can invest in that pizza parlor across the street. Chop-chop!”

“Fry,” Leela smirked. “Looks like you may get your old job back.”

Fry stood up and started to say something but was interrupted by a chime. There was somebody at the hatch. Leela glanced at the monitor and smiled.
“Well, half of our passenger list is complete.” She released the door lock.

Some sounds floated out of the corridor, and the door to the control room slid open. Heather glanced inside, behind her, and then entered. She was wearing the same overcoat she'd had when she first hired the crew, but with a small duffel bag slung over her shoulder.

“Well? Lets go! I got the crate around customs already. Lets get out of here.”

“I’d like to, Missy. But we can’t.”

Heather raised her eyebrows and spluttered.

Amy suspected that Leela was enjoying this. She took a long look at the Neptunian. Something was different but she wasn’t able to pinpoint it.

“The Professor has taken on another passenger. Looks like we’re becoming a passenger liner.”

“What? Who?” More spluttering. “I paid for this trip. This is on my schedule!” One set of arms clung onto the duffel bag, another hand on her hip, the remaining hand pointed at Leela. Both eyes focused on Leela.

“Hold on there. If the Professor has taken on another somebody dumb enough to ride with us, we need to take whoever it is.”

More spluttering. “What? You don’t even know who it is?”

Leela obviously didn’t like being talked back to. “Does it matter?”

As Heather opened her mouth again, another chime sounded. There was a long pause between Leela and Heather.

“Well, what now?” Sulking, Heather folded one set of arms across her chest and sat down.

“Passenger number two is here. Now we can leave. Fry, go see who it is, and get whoever it is into a cabin.” Leela faced her console again and started to flip random switches.

With a sideways glance Leela said to Heather: “You and I have some unfinished business to talk about.”

“Fine, just get me to New New York.”

More switches being flipped sounded quite loud in the silence.

The ship pulled away from LeVerrier. As a last parting security precaution, the ship was scanned by a bored security team. Afterwards Heather seemed a bit more relaxed.

“Hey everybody,” Fry entered the control room, “Meet our passenger Doctor Hnn.” An Omicronian ducked through the doorway.

“No!” The crew and passenger turned and looked. Heather was standing, barely able to stop shaking. “No, not that!” A second passed before anybody reacted. Heather ran out of the control room.

Dumbfounded, Leela turned to Amy: “Amy, go find Miss Canary and see what’s going on with her.” Turning to the Omicronian she said “I’d like to apologize for our other passenger, but I can’t. She’ll have to do that herself. The flight time to Earth is relatively short but I don‘t want any more…” Leela grimaced “…tension than we already have.”

Amy wandered down the corridor, listening. She wasn’t quite sure what she was listening for, but still moved forward. Finally she heard it. At first she couldn’t identify the sound. It was a thumping, clicking sound. Not from Heathers room, but the cabin assigned to Hnn.

“Hello?” Amy tried the door. Locked. She sighed, opened a small access plate, flipped a bypass, and the door slid open.

Heather was pounding on the wall with one arm, and typing on a personal comm device with two others, and still clutching the duffel bag. Amy could have sworn that Heathers' eyes moved independently to follow everything that she was doing.

“Hello?” Amy asked again.

Heather spun around and glared at Amy. “What’s going on, Miss Ca-” Amy faltered, then spit out “Missy?”

“How could you let this happen? Don’t you know anything?” Heather pointed at Amy. Amy focused on that fingertip. “An Omicronian! That ‘Doctor’ title is plain smoke screen. Do you know what those mercenaries do to us?”

Amy refocused on Heather. She lowered her shoulders, tried to relax and sighed, said: “Look, I have no idea what you’re talking about, or what you’re trying to do. But what you said was plain flat rude.”

Heather squinted her eyes. And stood fully upright. Amy suddenly realized Heather wasn’t very tall. “Rude? How ignorant are you? Santa hires Omicronians as security guards. Those…” Heather takes a deep breath “…mercenary things are what keeps us under Santas' metallic thumb!”

Amy just stared.

After a second Heather continued. “How much do you know about us? I mean Neptunians!”

Amy shook her head. It was probably better to just listen for a few minutes.

Heather sighed, but still angry she continued. ”Neptunians begin life small.” Amy nodded. “Then grow to full size in adulthood, then we grow small again as we age. Santa likes small people. They’re easy to intimidate. And you have to admit that Omicronians are pretty intimidating.”

Amy nodded. “Globously. Hnn barely fit through the door. Wait, how old are you?”

Another glare. Amy was becoming immune to that. “I’m on the shrinking side. Last year I was this much taller. But that’s not important. Do you know how tall my parents are?”

Amy slowly shook her head. Then opened her eyes wide. “That crate…?”

Heathers turn to be surprised. “Yes, inside that crate is my immediate family. Four of my family.” Two hands held up four fingers, another pointed at herself. “And you let an Omicronian on board!”

Amy’s doctorial mind came on-line. Twelve years studying under the Professor finally became handy. “Wait, how could there be four people in there? It’s not that big. Unless…”

“Unless most of the crate is full of hibernation naptosis equipment. It’s self-sustaining for a few days complete with lack of electronic signature. Typical security screens won’t see it. But I need to get it emptied soon!”

“Oh, okay. But it’s a short trip to Earth.”

Heather put one hand on her hip and mimicked Amy: “Globously, it’s already taken several days to get through customs.”

Now it was Amys’ turn to glare at Heather. “Oh, We gotta tell Leela.” Amy clicked a toggle to connect her with the bridge. But before she said anything to Leela, Amy faced Heather and said “Nice nails. Those are done by Saint Aplhalnzo, right? Don’t deny it, I know my manicurists. Get the pedicure also? Serious money for that set, let me tell you. Daddy hated it whenever I visited Neptune.”

Heather stood still.

“Leela? This is Amy. We have a problem.”

“You can say that again. We have…” A click, the ship lurched, then blackness.
Last edited by kaspired on Mon Jan 09, 2012 1:01 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: Santas' Refugee

Post by Gulliver63 » Sun Jan 08, 2012 1:16 pm

There is almost nothing more fun than being able to write and illustrate what you've written. This is such a great concept that draws on familiar characters. The dialogue bits from Amy, Bender and Leela are right on. I would definitely pay attention to the mechanics of your favorite writers - I know you're a big fan of "Ringworld." You've done a great job here of laying out a story - keep going with it.
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Re: Santas' Refugee

Post by c_nordlander » Sun Jan 08, 2012 8:23 pm

Review of Chapter 2:

Typoes: "consol" should be "console" (this happens twice); you've written "LeVerrie" instead of "LeVerrier" a couple of times; "the PES ship" is redundant; "Captains chair" should be "Captain's"; "the same overcoat she had when she first hired the crew" would be better if you changed it to "she'd had"; "then we already have" should be "than"; "she hear it" should be "heard"; "Heathers eyes" needs an apostrophe; "Santas" again needs an apostrophe; "onboard" should be "on board"; "self sustaining" needs a hyphen;

The title is missing an apostrophe again. (And the thread title is apostrophised wrongly: it should be Santa's, not Santas'.) "A crew of six Neptunians arrived, the lead pair instructed the group to load the crate into the ship" should either be two sentences or changed to "instructing".

A few punctuation problems:
“You’d never get me to lift that.” Bender chimed in.
“You didn’t.” muttered Leela.
OK, both those pieces of dialogue should end with a comma instead of a full stop, since they're followed by dialogue tags.
“Fry,” Leela smirked “Looks like you may get your old job back.”
This needs a full stop after "smirked".
With a sideways glance Leela said to Heather “You and I have some unfinished business to talk about.”
This needs a colon after "Heather".
Dumbfounded, Leela turned to Amy “Amy, go find Miss Canary
Needs a full stop after "Amy".
said “Look, I have no idea what you’re talking about,
Needs a colon after "said".
and mimicked Amy “Globously, it’s already taken several days to get through customs.”
Needs a colon after "Amy".

A bit of an unfortunate mistake: In the first sentence it says "Mercury", when it should be "Neptune".

OK, typoes aside, this chapter is really good! The dialogue is very funny and snappy, and everyone seems to be in character. Descriptions are quite short, but not bad, and the writing reaches high quality at times. The plot is strong and moving once it's finally revealed.

I didn't find anything bad about this chapter, apart from the typoes and punctuation mistakes (which are easily fixed). I'm looking forward to the next bit.
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Re: Santas' Refugee

Post by kaspired » Sun Jan 08, 2012 9:23 pm

c_nordlander wrote:Review of Chapter 2:

The title is missing an apostrophe again. (And the thread title is apostrophised wrongly: it should be Santa's, not Santas'.)

OK, typoes aside, this chapter is really good! The dialogue is very funny and snappy, and everyone seems to be in character. Descriptions are quite short, but not bad, and the writing reaches high quality at times. The plot is strong and moving once it's finally revealed.

I didn't find anything bad about this chapter, apart from the typoes and punctuation mistakes (which are easily fixed). I'm looking forward to the next bit.
Y’know I’m not sure if I’ve said this before but I’m really glad you’re willing to take the time and effort to proof these. Very much appreciated. Some of the mistakes I made are the classic “hit-my-head-on-the-desk” stupid goofs. (Mercury? Gah, what was I thinking?) It’s great to have a second pair of eyes.

I’ve gone back through and made the changes, at least I think I got all of them.

I haven’t changed the title apostrophe bits though. “The Santas” is just a plural form, “The Santas’” shows possession, and “The Santa’s” is a contraction of “The Santa is”. Of the three versions, the possession makes more sense to me.

Also I’m glad the chapter works. I was trying to keep the story short (in case it was a total bomb) but still had five pages.

BTW, I tried to post this as a file to be downloaded, but some weird computer-ise tweak wouldn’t let me.

Without letting out the surprise for the next chapter, there is a second smuggling event happening consecutively. I’ve already dropped a couple of (too subtle) hints at it.

Thanks again!

P.S. I need to give Gulliver credit for the suggestion of emphasizing how Heather would move her arms.
Last edited by kaspired on Mon Jan 09, 2012 4:43 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Santas' Refugee

Post by archonix » Sun Jan 08, 2012 11:31 pm

Santa's is also the possessive of the singular santa. Santas' is the plural possessive, implying a group of Santas owning the object in question. The contraction and the singular possessive depend on the context of the sentence. To illustrate: "Santa's going to the market", vs "Santa's little helper".
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Re: Santas' Refugee

Post by kaspired » Mon Jan 09, 2012 1:04 am

Archonix wrote:Santa's is also the possessive of the singular santa. Santas' is the plural possessive, implying a group of Santas owning the object in question. The contraction and the singular possessive depend on the context of the sentence. To illustrate: "Santa's going to the market", vs "Santa's little helper".
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