Review: Kid play

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shoerecruiter
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Review: Kid play

Post by shoerecruiter » Thu Sep 13, 2012 5:16 am

Hi,
This is my first posting under my name. I am a coworker of Gulliver's and I wrote this story by myself. I have another story to post and one story I need to write. Unfortunately I cannot draw especially to the great artwork I see on this site. But I'll try to give tales that are "canon" enough for some enjoyment. I don't see the attachment so I'm copying this onto this area, sorry in advance for the inconveniance! KIDPLAY
By
Robert L. Stewart Jr.

“I've got Good News Everyone! I finally have perfected a way to cover up the blind spots in hyperspace.”
Fry said, “I’ll bite Professor. And how did you accomplish this?”
“You’ll find out, I only need the control room for a few minutes to install the device.”
Leela chimed in, “I’m glad it’s only a few minutes. My pen pal class is going to come for a class outing and tour the ship. We only have a few minutes to clean up this pigsty for the kids. It is a 4th grade class, that I’ve been sharing our adventures with. I extended an invitation for today. Professor you’ll have to install the device after the children go home. Now Bender will you get the cleaning supplies?”
“Supplies! What am I a fetching slave? I was doing important things like stacking cards, and loading dice!”
“Bender, you know I can hotwire you to the navigation panel.”
I’m going, I’m going. Hey Frye, can I interest you in a game of cards. We won’t play with a new deck I’ve got this old deck broke in, okay.”
Yeah sure, 'cause you beat me really bad with that last new deck. I’ll help you get the supplies.”
Later as she escorted the class around, Leela was talking in her best Morgan Proctor imitation voice. “And this is the Control Room. It is the most important room on the ship. And…”
“You said that about all of the rooms you showed us so far” said an uninspired young teen girl. “Furthermore I’m bored! Ma’am, we should’ve gone to the sky mall. Now there’s an outing.”
“Well,” Leela said in her normal voice. “I did say that but in this room it is true.”
“And kids it is time for us to leave. I want you to thank the Planet Express crew for showing us their nice ship. Thank you Leela, I know you had written to a much younger class than ours, but since they had their standard testing for their permanent Career Real Aptitude Placement test. Well I couldn’t pass up this opportunity after I had seen a picture of you, uhhh… and your crew of course!” I’d be glad to discuss our efforts for more intense collaborations!” This was said by the 8th grade teacher, who had her class call her Ma’am.
The eighth grade class said in desultory union. “Thank you Miz Leela.”
“Well thank you too. This way and I’ll escort you off the ship. You’ll notice these things on the wall are …” Her voice fading away as she went out the control room hatch and down the hallway.
“Suzy are you going to give me that kiss?” Tommy said to a girl beside him standing at the back of the group.
“Why Tommy you know I don’t promise and not kiss.” She looked around. “I don’t see any privacy, or comfort.”
“What about here?” Tommy showing the ingenuity all males possess for the female opportunities. He had leveled out the pilot chairs. This looks comfortable.” Pushing on the more than adequate pilot chairs, these were engineered to take up to 10 gees, in case of artificial gravity controls going out.
“Why Tommy, how clever you are.”
Tommy and Suzy got on the separate pilot chairs. Their heads were toward the back of the control room as they lay on the flattened chairs. They grabbed hands and put their faces close. The teens had barely gotten started on their paradise by the starship board lights, when they heard this absent minded wavering singing the 1st verse off key. It was a catchy tune, that they didn’t know and they knew all the hits.
The Professor was singing at that moment this, “Second verse the same as the first. “I’m …Oh drat! Now how did the rest of that go? Fry took all morning the other day teaching me the intricacies of this song. How am I going to sing it at the deliveryman’s ball next week?”
The kids were stuck right there in the open and like most teens they just froze. Now on anyone even Fry this wouldn’t have worked. But the Professor had his glasses off as he entered the control room singing. He was cleaning the lenses with one hand on his lab coat, like everyone that wears glasses can. After all he really knew the ship well. He came in and turned to the back corner as he continued talking to himself. “Well, let me install this device. All I’ve got to do is use this corner of the back of the room. And expand these panels… and attach it on the far side… and leave this side open for easy egress… make sure it is attached to the floor here… and here… and here. Now I can leave. Now where was I …Oh yes! Second verse same as the first….” His voice singing the song by Herman’s Hermits was fading down the hallway.
Tommy and Suzy looked at each other and started to giggle. This was cut off, by voices coming back down the hall. “C’mon Tommy we got to hide, this time!”
“Where?”
“How about here?”
Leela’ voice was heard, “I’m wondering what kind of device the Professor is going to install for us. That blind spot messes with all of us when we shift to hyperdrive. It gives me an ice cream headache as we are looking out the control room windows.” It seems as if the black emptiness of space turns grey and tries to expand beyond the control room windows. I know it makes you two eyes go cross eyed. But for us Cyclopes it makes our pupil oscillate left and right real, real fast. It is very dizzying.”
“Blaeu! I thought I was looking at the end of my nose forever. It made me want to keep it powdered.”
“Aren’t ya’ll lucky I’m around to keep you straight?” Bender remarked.
“Yeah but you should quit trying to go in my purse. Da sei ne! I’m never that messed up.”
“Professor where is that device, we must go into hyperspace for 45 minutes on this emergency delivery trip.” Leela cut in.
“Why here it is.”
Leela turned to look back to the rear of the Control room. “Those are Expandable wood panels”?! This is your wonderful invention?! An expandable panel set, and you guys always try to tell me that two eyes are better than one.”
“That’s two heads, duh!” Said Amy.
“That’s okay! Places everyone, we have to leave now the traffic window we got assigned for the orbits and hyperspace point is in 30 Planet Express seconds! And so the crew turned their attention back to the front of the Control Room.
A few minutes after initial orbit and after the ship had reached outward cruising space velocity; the crew was relaxing around the control room. When they heard,” Quit it!”
“Come out of there or I’ll just blast right through it”, commanded Leela.
Sheepishly the teens peeked their faces out, “Why, hello there.” Suzy said coquettishly.
“Now where have I heard that before?” Frye mused.
Later leela briefed the teens on what to expect. “Now that we’ve communicated back to earth, you two will be in big trouble with your class and parents when you get back. And before you guys start to smile too much. You better know you’re also in trouble here. See not too much is known about this hyperspace, and ships have gone missing. And you better hope we don’t. So stay out of the way.”
“That’s why I installed this hyperspatial barrier.” chimed in the Professor.
“I’m sorry Professor; I cannot put much faith in expandable panels. And we will be entering hyperspace in exactly 1 minute… Now 30 seconds… Now 10… Aaaaaaaand Mark!”
“This doesn’t look normal.” Bender said while extending his eyeballs. “I see things instead of the hyperspace emptiness. I can’t believe my eyes.” He said this while unscrewing his eyes and shaking them by his ears, like you do a light bulb, then screwing them back in.
“Even I can see that, Bender. And I’m not smart, but what are those big square blobs.
Fry, you can see that too. I thought maybe only I was seeing things. Professor, see if we can communicate with them and kids shut up and stay out the way!” Battle stations people!”
No need for that!”
“W-What was that?” Frye quavered.
“Not what who.
O-Okay. W-who are you?”
“We are the inhabitants of hyperspace. And we are tired of your ships colliding with us.” It hurts us and pushes your ships into etherspace. We call it etherspace because even we don’t even know what the next higher space than hyperspace is.”
“Some hyperspatial inhabitants.” Muttered Frye.
“We heard that!” But what are you guys going to do about this mess?”
“Us! I’m the best pilot in my universe, and I don’t know how we are going to get out of this mess.” Said Leela.
“Oh we can put you guys back in your space. We just grabbed the next ship that came along. We can control this aspect of hyperspace. Anyone that had come along we would’ve grabbed. Our problem is that we cannot tell when you guys are going to cross into and out of what you call hyperspace and we call home. See anytime we see one of you guys appear then we just move out of the way. Then we erase the memory of us out of your minds and computers. This is why you don’t sense us. We can disappear from all of your senses and sensory devices. We like our privacy. So once again how are you going to straighten this mess out?
Tommy spoke up then, “I’m glad you’re going to put us back. You guys are not that bad,' cause I was really scared.”
“Aww shuddap!” We should’ve tossed you stowaways out.” It is illegal for me to gamble with you, so what good are you for anyhow?’
“Bender quit showing off your uncaring attitude. Now as for you: You hyperspatial lazy bones! How come you don’t find your own solution? Are you guys pure thought or something?
No, we are not pure thought, but closer than your species. We need this physical space and we do use it. Since we have evolved from your kind of existence in your normal space. We have earned the right to use this aspect of the Ultimate. You on the other hand are just discovering the wondrous things this hyperspace can do. In order for us not to keep you from ever using hyperspace again, and that is our prerogative and our solution. You must figure out a solution to the problem of collisions.
The Professor spoke up then. ”So it is us that must come up with a solution. Or you will cut off all of our space from using hyperspace, right.
Wrong. You must come up with a solution in order to get the right back. We have already cut off all ships from entering hyperspace. Your ship will be the last to come out of hyperspace. You will arrive at your destination precisely as you had calculated before.
Suzy said then, “Oh then there is no problem. We will just give up, and come out of hyperspace to regular space.”
“It is not that simple little girl,” said Leela. “Where we were headed is exactly 89.468 light years away from the earth. By the time we get back to earth. I’m afraid you’ll be a little old for the prom.”
Suzy’s bottom lip began to tremble, then, she started crying and sobbing. Her cries were gut wrenching.
“There, There little girl." Amy let’s take her to the lounge for some comfort food. My treat. I’ll just flimflam the machine for whatever you want. We’ll start off with some cold slurm. Okay?”
Tommy spoke up then, “Well I am used to this type of treatment. People throw us away all the time. When they don’t spend money for our schools. Give us bad career choices. How can a 4th grade test lock you into a career? I played around on that test and now I’m locked into being a delivery boy’s boss. I’m tired of being a throw away generation. They even have run out of cool names. Instead of calling us SOMETHING LIKE Gen X or Y. They call us the missa generation. It comes from some old language. I wish we were the keep generation or something like that.”
He was trembling with pent up frustration. All of the slights he had experienced came out in this little speech. Perhaps it was because he was scared and relieved and then scared again. Everything parents, teachers, and administrators had heaped on him and his generation was in his voice.
Fry then came up, and gave him a brotherly hug. “Look I came from the past. The very time you are talking about. I had a crap job then, and I got the same crap job now. But no one here has tried to throw me back or away.”
“Yes we love our Fry and we care and love you as well.” Leela added. I never throw anything away unless I can get some gain from it. You know to make room for other things. I love shopping and all that, after all I am a woman.”
And Amy leading and holding Suzy by the hand back into the control room. She then brought everyone together for a group hug. “You know, back in China in them days, there was a growing Christianity movement. It was repressed viciously. But Christianity still grew. Maybe something made everything that we know, and that is why no one should ever throw anyone away.”
Fry summed it all up. “Things are not people, so only things should be thrown away.”
“Interestingly, that was one of the things that we have surmised. We do not know if there was a MAKER, but in order to get to this hyperspace existence we had to look back. And there was something or someone blocking us from looking at the moment of creation. I mean we went back to a twinkle of an eye after creation and something prevented us from looking further. So we encourage you in your beliefs because we haven’t found out all the answers.
The Professor hollered and threw up his hands clasped together in a winner’s handshake. “Eureka! Good news everybody! I’ve solved the hyperspatial problem. All we have to do is throw away something into hyperspace before we enter. This way these beings would feel the object we throw away and can move out of the ship’s way when it then enters. And if they are in the way then the object will just go into this etherspace. And we’ll solve that problem when we get to it.
Well it isn’t an elegant solution but it will do. Your universe has gotten its hyperspace access back. And we are going to leave you this memory so the lesson of not throwing away people stays with you. Good bye.
“Wow, some manners. Well people there it is our destination. So they are as good as their word. Children are you all right?” Leela said.
“Miz Leela, we are fine and Mr. Fry you have given me such hope for my future.” Tommy had grabbed Suzy’s hand and stood a little straighter. It was like he had matured toward adulthood. Suzy recognized this and she was standing by him giving him strength through her hand clasped in his. “And Miz Leela, can I offer you some advice?”
Leela said, “Sure honey.”
“Ma’am, this is the way our teacher wants us to address her, saying Ma’am like Sidney Poitier in that classic movie, ’To Sir With Love’. So we have gotten to know her. She will try to contact you. She is looking for mutant love, forbidden love, which of course makes it more exciting for her. When she suggests that we start being your pen pal, can Mr. Fry be our pen pal instead?”
“I don’t think I want to walk on that wild side anyhow. That will be fine, honey. So now since you are a part of this crew. Let us deliver this package and get back home!”
“Amen,” said Suzy and Bender together. Their laughter erupted throughout the entire ship. And the Professor sang in a quavery Tenor, bass, baritone voice. Bender and Fry kept time by banging on Bender’s chest. Leela shouted in accompiament.
I'm Henery the Eighth, I am,
Henery the Eighth I am, I am!
I got married to the widow next door,
She'd been married seven times before.
And every one was an Henery
It wouldn't be a Willie or a Sam
I'm her eighth old man named Henery
Henery the Eighth, I am!

THE END
A fan Futurama story by Robert. L. Stewart Jr.
shoerecruiter
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Re: Review: Kid play

Post by shoerecruiter » Thu Sep 13, 2012 5:20 am

Please don't kill me I'll find out how to attach stories before I post another one.
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Re: Review: Kid play

Post by Gulliver63 » Thu Sep 13, 2012 3:08 pm

Robert Stewart and I start off every shift nowadays with, "What did you write?" A good listener, he's had to endure read-throughs of many of my stories...as with Kaspired, his feedback has been very important to me. It's good to welcome another Hoosier to the board. While I'm here, I might as well explain his screenname...he managed a shoestore for several years, and was also an army recruiter in the 1990's. It's good to see him here.
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Re: Review: Kid play

Post by c_nordlander » Fri Sep 14, 2012 10:49 pm

Welcome aboard, Robert! We're always happy to have new writers here, and judging by this story, you're very talented.

For future reference, to attach a document to the post, click the "Upload attachment" tab right under the text window when you're making a post. You'll get a button for browsing your files. As soon as you've chosen a file, click the button saying "Add the file", and make your post.

Comments on the story follow. Now, since you're new here, some of my comments may seem a bit harsh or nitpicky, so bear in mind that I really enjoyed this story. If I say negative things about something, it's just in order to help you write even better in the future.

Firstly, there are quite a few typoes and other technical mistakes here, especially missing commas. If you want a list, I can PM it to you so you can fix them.

Normally when reviewing stories, I start with the things I liked and end with the things I disliked. This time, my mind worked in a slightly different way, and I'll point out my main problem with this story, because I didn't have many problems apart from it: there's a *lot* of dialogue, and comparatively little description. Now, the dialogue in itself is very good, but the story comes off almost like just a transcript of an episode. For example, when the
Spoiler
show up, they're not even described in the story, just referred to in the dialogue. I'd have preferred a bit more description, both of the setting and of the characters' actions. Make the readers see things, not just listen to the characters talking.

Now that that's over with, the aforementioned dialogue is good. In fact, I could easily see this being an episode. There are many good jokes (I particularly like what Tommy's future job is going to be). Everyone seems to be in character, and while I've complained about there being a lot of talking and not enough visuals, I never had any serious problems figuring out who was saying a certain line. That's quite a feat. The plot is interesting, provides a nice sense of tension, and feels very appropriate to the world of Futurama. I like the
Spoiler
While it felt like the problem was solved rather quickly, the solution itself was very good.

I have a couple of downsides, apart from the one I mentioned. The bit where the crew are trying to comfort the teenagers felt a bit soppy: the intention was good, but it went on a bit too long. (And Amy's speech about Christianity in China felt weird and was only tangentially related to the situation.) Also, Tommy and Suzy feel pretty uninteresting as characters.

Those are my only problems. Very good plot and jokes, but could do with more descriptions and narrative to balance out the dialogue. My score: B+
Last edited by c_nordlander on Sat Sep 15, 2012 9:13 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Review: Kid play

Post by shoerecruiter » Sat Sep 15, 2012 5:41 am

Hey thank you a lot for that info. :) i was tryin g to do a lot of dialogue and seeing if others could see the story without always introducing the characters. i also think I could and should include more description. i did think that I gave the aliens enough, but evidently it wasn't if the reader doesn't have enough to put the character in his/her mind. To me the greatest compliment is that you thought it was like an episode. Futurama is a vehicle for people like Billy West to make money and for you to say that it has even a hint of that is magnificent. To receive a B+ on my first ever Futurama story is overwhelming,I feel like I could only go lower than this. yet I will try as long as ideas hold out. Go ahead and give me that grammatical list you were talking about.
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Re: Review: Kid play

Post by shoerecruiter » Sat Sep 15, 2012 5:42 am

Hey thank you a lot for that info. :) i was tryin g to do a lot of dialogue and seeing if others could see the story without always introducing the characters. i also think I could and should include more description. i did think that I gave the aliens enough, but evidently it wasn't if the reader doesn't have enough to put the character in his/her mind. To me the greatest compliment is that you thought it was like an episode. Futurama is a vehicle for people like Billy West to make money and for you to say that it has even a hint of that is magnificent. To receive a B+ on my first ever Futurama story is overwhelming,I feel like I could only go lower than this. yet I will try as long as ideas hold out. Go ahead and give me that grammatical list you were talking about.
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Re: Review: Kid play

Post by missy_misery » Sat Sep 15, 2012 11:45 pm

I agree with Chris - it feels a tad too epistolary. Otherwise, it's fun :)
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