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- UPGRADE - Copy.docx
- I used Microsoft Word Starter 2010
- (31.09 KiB) Downloaded 489 times
- Insane Underling
- Posts: 11489
- Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
- Custom Title: Running after something that I'll never kill
- Location: Redacted, Redacticaster
There are some interesting ideas here. I liked the MallStar from Gulliver's story, and it's fun to see another fic involving it. The concept behind the panels is pretty neat.
It has the makings of an interesting time-travel plot.
There are some nice descriptions here. Some of it is overly florid, but I like the one of voice. There are some other good ones as well. Everyone seems to be in character, too.
There are a couple of good jokes. Especially "Oooh, X!" nearly killed me.
On the downside... this may seem overly harsh, but this story doesn't work at all for me. The storyline at the outset, with the panels and the lost money, works pretty well. (It's a bit confusing, and the money storyline could perhaps do with a few more sentences to clarify the situation, but basically it works well.) However, once they got to the MallStar, the story lost me. Too much is happening, with not enough description to explain what's going on. Some characters are referred to just by "_____". I assume you were meaning to put their names there.
Then the time travel story picks up again, and seems to be heading for a conclusion, but then the plot turns utterly weird. I don't understand why everyone turns into characters from old TV shows. And then the story breaks off, just like that. I don't know whether it's meant to be concluded in a sequel, but since it doesn't say so anywhere in the document, I only have this story to go on.
On a more mundane level, the writing is rather dry in places. Not bad, but very bare-bones. When you try for a bit more descriptiveness, it gets weird as often as not. That paragraph about looking at the blood vessels in girls' eyelids came completely out of nowhere and doesn't add anything to the story.
Again, I don't mean to sound harsh, but while this fic has some good ideas and a couple of very funny lines, the complete lack of closure means that it doesn't work as a story, and there is some other weirdness as well (such as the understrokes instead of names). I know you can write proper story arcs: "Kid Play" has a complete storyline and works well.
My score: C- (Highlight if it doesn't show up.)
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.
Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"