REVIEW: Storytime

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missy_misery
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REVIEW: Storytime

Postby missy_misery » Sun Dec 23, 2012 11:06 am

This is nearly totally plotless fluff, written for my best friend's birthday and based on this fanart.

SUMMARY: Fry and Leela's son and daughter are babysat by Bender. It goes about as well as you would imagine.
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Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

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Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
c_nordlander
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Re: REVIEW: Storytime

Postby c_nordlander » Sun Dec 23, 2012 8:38 pm

Typo:

“Oops,” He grinned,.
"He" shouldn't be capitalised (unless you meant for it to be a separate sentence rather than a dialogue tag, in which case the dialogue should end with a full stop), and you've got an extraneous comma at the end.

This is a sweet and funny story. You've certainly given Hazel and Max quite a bit of character, and I wouldn't be averse to more stories about them. The regular cast are in character, too, especially Fry. Bender comes off as a bit more gruff and less nuanced than usual, but that could be explained by his being forced to babysit.

The writing is good, great in places (such as the summary of what Bender tells the kids). You have some laugh-out-loud jokes, like Fry's "microwave my nuts" line and the World's Most Violent Dismemberments show. The very ending is a hoot, too.

I can't think of any real flaws with this story. I think the microwave joke drags a bit (it might be funnier if the scene ended right after Fry's line, or just with a "Ew!" without the long dialogue tag). Also, the dialogue tags are a bit too heavy on colourful "said" verbs like "chorused" rather than just "said" or "asked", though that's mostly in the first half of the story. Mainly, though, the story is a bit too plotless to really engage me, but it was never trying to be anything else.

In short, well-written and funny, with great characterisation all around and a great ending. My score: B+
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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missy_misery
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Re: REVIEW: Storytime

Postby missy_misery » Sun Feb 24, 2013 1:22 am

I've missed your in-depth reviews on my stuff so much :)

I think i had a bit too much fun with Bender's voice in this one and it escaped my plot and got too stereotypical. I might give it another re-write before I finish posting it out.
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"

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