Review: AGAIN, AGAIN, and AGAIN

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shoerecruiter
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Review: AGAIN, AGAIN, and AGAIN

Post by shoerecruiter » Fri Mar 08, 2013 5:55 pm

I wrote this because as Bob introduced me to these forums, three ideas came to me. This story is a bit longer than the two previous, maybe a bit easier read. I'm still in awe of everyone's talent level. And I still have a great sense of wonder that I even dare to post stories for the public. I can see a lot of you guys posting things for the paying public. And one day I hope to get into that same level of expertise I see demonstrated here.
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shoerecruiter
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Re: Review: AGAIN, AGAIN, and AGAIN

Post by shoerecruiter » Fri Mar 08, 2013 6:07 pm

You know I''ve lost my internet and so I do a lot of my time on this forum under Bob's time on the computer at work. Since I really don't like to submit things while at work I don't get to tell you guys what I think of your work. I must tell you that some of the art work on Leela and Amy has really affected me on a gut wrenching level. And Mr. Kaspired your sense of color is spot on. Oh Miss futurama I saw yourart work and it is inspiring.
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c_nordlander
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Re: Review: AGAIN, AGAIN, and AGAIN

Post by c_nordlander » Mon Mar 11, 2013 9:44 pm

For starters, I found quite a few typoes and punctuation problems in this fic. If you want me to point them out to you, PM me and I'll send you the list. Just for future reference: "Zoidburg" should be "Zoidberg", "Kiff" should be "Kif", and "Branigan" should be "Brannigan".

Now that that's out of the way, you have a very solid story here, and it holds together all the way. I could easily see something like this on the show. Plotwise, I think this is by far the best of your stories that I've read.

There's not a massive number of jokes, but most are good, and some made me laugh out loud. I particularly like the quotation from Leela's romance novel, and Clamps' line, which is very in character. Zoidberg's punishment in the end is funny as well. In fact, there are too many good jokes for me to list them all.

You have several cool and original ideas, like the low gravity prison, and
Spoiler
happening "at computer speed". In fact, there's a lot of interesting world-building.

Characterisation is very good all over. Leela is the one I find particularly impressive: you capture her confident and slightly exuberant side, which tends to get short shrift in a lot of fanfics for some reason. Everyone else is good, too. The only one I'm a bit uncertain about is the Professor: his characterisation is good, but his dialogue has some mannerisms he never seems to use on the show (such as calling people "m'dear"). That's a minor quibble, though. It's nice to see Kif get to be the hero. Deacon is a pretty nice new character.

The writing style fluctuates quite a bit. Some bits I found very well-written, if a bit too description-heavy (some characters' outfits get long paragraphs of description), and like I said, there are several funny jokes. The transformation scenes are a bit succinct for such an important plot twist, but in a way, that's good: it adds to the creepiness of the characters' situation. However, some paragraphs felt a bit haphazard and confusing, and would probably benefit from you reading through the story one last time before posting. Some parts of the plot confuse me, like
Spoiler
There aren't many downsides. Some of the jokes were a bit unpleasant (like rhyming "Zoidberg" with "turd", which doesn't even rhyme), or just not funny (Zapp's malapropisms felt a bit overplayed, though he had a couple of funny ones). The Pamela Anderson joke is funny (though it would work even better in a script than in a prose story), but isn't she supposed to be a head in the future?

I didn't really like
Spoiler
On the other hand, Zoidberg having a crush on Leela is an interesting idea.

One issue is that the viewpoint switches between the characters, sometimes very quickly. I'm not saying you should stick with one character for their entire storyline, but you should give them more than just one or two paragraphs.

Some further points:

There are quite a lot of notes in this fic. You really should put them at the bottom of pages, but that might be a formatting problem on my side. You should probably turn them into proper footnotes, though: that's a lot easier to read. Also, some of them are pretty pointless: I guarantee that anyone who cares enough about Futurama to read fanfics about it will know what the DOOP is.

Also, I don't have any problems with this being set in the same continuity as Gulliver's Cyclon stories, but it's a bit weird how you actually namedrop "The Fire Priestess" by title. It makes it sound like Leela remembers being in a story. Something like "Leela prayed to the saint she had seen on Cyclon" or similar would make more sense.

In fact, you break the fourth wall a couple of times here, referring to "the Futurama universe" and "as all aficionados of the show should know". You don't really use it as a joke, and I don't really see the point.

I hope you realise that these are minor downsides. All in all, a very good and well built-up storyline with great characterisation and some very funny jokes, but occasionally wobbly writing and some slightly tawdry bits. My score: B+
Last edited by c_nordlander on Thu Jun 13, 2013 1:27 am, edited 1 time in total.
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shoerecruiter
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Re: Review: AGAIN, AGAIN, and AGAIN

Post by shoerecruiter » Wed Jun 12, 2013 10:50 pm

Thanks for the great review. i didn't even look at the grade if you gave it because Iwas so excited to receive such a thoughtful review. I do write in spurts so it doesn't surprise me that it seems like that upon reading. There is no better praise than the fact that you laughed out loud. That is something Lucille Ball strived to do on her show and it makes me feel so proud that it happened at least once because of something that I wrote. I'm so disappointed that the show is going away. I am a casual fan, so please indulge me some. I've since finished another story. bob and i no longer work together even though we are at the same company. We now have diferent shifts. we also don't have extra computer time either. I am very proud of this new story and i think unconsciously I fixed some of the very problems that you mentioned.Except the spellings(I truly didn't know). And I also have one idea for a way for futurama to end. I'd like to do something special, because I think that the show is at least as iconic as Seinfeld or Cheers. I must apologize it cannot be my favorite of all time as that is reserved for All In The Family. But I didn't fix the notes. I also apologize in advance because it has been so long I forgot my password for this site. I've even forgotton my password for my computer( I used guest and my flash drive backup). so after this sentence I'm posting the latest story while I'm at the library. Ya'll keep having fun!!!!!!!!!!!!11
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