REVIEW - It Could Happen to Abe

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illmonkey80
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REVIEW - It Could Happen to Abe

Post by illmonkey80 » Wed Jul 10, 2002 8:13 pm

here is my first attempt at comedic writing ever. hope you like it. if not, tell me why. thanks!

drew
"i used to believe in things when i was a kid." - homer simpson
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Dana
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Re: REVIEW - It Could Happen to Abe

Post by Dana » Wed Jul 10, 2002 9:08 pm

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Ohhh man, THAT was fun! I was a little worried with it's relation to "Old money", but you took this in a lot of fun directions which made me forget about it.
You absolutely nailed the character's, especially the banter between Homer and Abe...(trying to pull the chord...kills me!)

The short barbeque scene really had me rotf!!

Awesome first work, I look forward to reading more real soon. ;D
Last edited by Dana on Thu Jan 01, 1970 1:00 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: REVIEW - It Could Happen to Abe

Post by ThePOPE » Fri Jul 12, 2002 6:52 pm

Hey Drew,

Very well done indeed.  The formatting was impecable & I especially liked the way you used the TV to cut from one scene to another.  I'm new to this site as well, so I haven't read as many scripts as the other guys, but this is definately one that...I've read.  

Character-wise, everything looks good.  Abe was wonderfully senile, and I liked the  "running" gag with Jasper's leg.

As usual, I just have a few comments about several minor things:

As Mr. Burns says "Word" to the Simpson's, I think it would be funny to have Smithers help Mr. Burns' lift his arm.

Also, at the stoning, Mr. Burns could say "Yo!" rather than "Here," to continue the urban banter.

Although I like the name of the prostetics store, the three visit during the montage, here's another name you might like:
"Limbs-R-Us"

Finally, Abe says the drugs are working "like migrant farmers."
I'm not sure how PC that is--although I really don't have a problem with it--someone might be offended.  How about,
"As busy as beavers on benzidrene.?"

Hope this helps.  

Hopefully, I can get to your next script over the weekend...

-KF
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illmonkey80
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Re: REVIEW - It Could Happen to Abe

Post by illmonkey80 » Fri Jul 12, 2002 10:15 pm

thank you both very very much. i really appreciate you guys takin the time to read all of that. and thanks mucho for the feedback. i dig the idea of smither's raising burns' arm. that's dope. it's funny you mention limbs-r-us. originally, i had prosthetics-r-us but someone told me to change cuz it was cliche or some shit. when i get a chance i'll peep yer guys' stuff. but i just wanted to say thanks.

drew

p.s. oh yeah i'll rethink the migrant farm workers thing.
Last edited by illmonkey80 on Thu Jan 01, 1970 1:00 am, edited 1 time in total.
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aoifestorm
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Re: REVIEW - It Could Happen to Abe

Post by aoifestorm » Fri Jul 12, 2002 10:31 pm

 :D This is a really funny script Drew. Some of the parts I enjoyed:  {Warning! This has spoilers!}
Act I. I thought it was quite funny, and I thought it was the strongest part of the script, humor-wise.
Homer and his Schmeggos
Grandpa's nursing home birthday privileges
Abe bitching about brunch
Grandpa:"I've got the hankering for something so cheap and dirty, it would make Grover Cleveland roll over in his grave", and then everyone's ideas about what it could be
The Swap Meet scene, especially the part with Smithers and Burns
Webster's Ghetto Slang Dictionary ;D
P. Poodle and Missy Kim
Mr. Burns saying, "word"  :D
The slave labor glue guns at the Kiwk-E-Mart
Grandpa likes Richard Pryor
Homer ranting about working and not getting lots of money, especially the Veruca Salt line
Otto's line: "Homonyms are far out"
Part C of the money spending montage
Homer fishing for holy BBQ
The Avenger going nuts
Wiggum's S.O.S. for more ketchup and, "Oh yeah, some maniacs are trying to vehicularly manslaugher me"
I thought the ending was kind of sad, even though it was funny. Poor Grandpa, thinking he was in Brewster's Millions.
The only part of the script I thought was awkward was one part of the stoning gag.  I thought it was a bit odd that Bart would be handing out stones so people could stone his own gandpa.
The script was very good, though.  It's genuinely funny and well done. Maybe we will see it on television one day. ;) I am definitely looking forward to reading more of your scripts.
Homer eats a little too much Chile to strong pepper and is found with hullicinations amongst other things it speaks with a dog.
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