OPINIONS: Twin of the Dead (WIP)

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SirMustapha
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Re: OPINIONS: Twin of the Dead (WIP)

Post by SirMustapha » Tue Nov 20, 2018 5:26 pm

Talking about your motivations and reasons for writing is important, especially in an "opinions" thread, since it helps give us a better insight on what you're trying to do and offer better advice. Also, personally, I find it very interesting to know the artist's process of thinking. What you're trying to do with the story is indeed a challenge, and a very valid one. Falling into extremes can be very tempting and comfortable for the artist, but striking a balance, while difficult, is so much more rewarding. My opinion is that, so far, you're achieving your goal. Terri is not coming across as "angelic" in her actions, and as much as she can be mischievous and deliberately unlikable, she has clear limits. You did well in the scene with Lisa, and the moment when Terri is complaining and Sherri stays still is quite creepy, and would make for a visually interesting scene if animated. This is an example of a dialogue that would probably feel cheesy in another context, but it feels appropriate for the characters and for the situation. You left the story at an interesting point; we can see what's happening next, but we're left curious as to how.

I'm still liking this a lot!
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Re: OPINIONS: Twin of the Dead (WIP)

Post by c_nordlander » Tue Nov 20, 2018 9:49 pm

"However she could only ever wonder if Springfield was always so dull and unpleasant." Good sentence, but I'd personally cut the "ever." It doesn't really add anything.

The bit about the fog made me chuckle, because you made me sit up and wonder: *has* Springfield ever been foggy on the show?

"In a contest of who could complain the most about Springfield she and Sherri would probably win third place." Another nice line. Not laugh-out-loud funny, but chuckleworthy.

"Terri couldn’t think of someone she wanted to see less" I think "anyone" would be better. Good sentence otherwise.

Lisa's dialogue feels in character. It's nice of her to try to comfort someone who's lost a family member, even if she's not doing a very good job.

A small nitpick: after Lisa asks Terri if she's all right, you briefly switch to Lisa's perspective, then switch back to Terri's.

"‘Act natural’ is a tall order when she hadn’t been able to act normal since the accident." Good line. I'd change "is" to "was", to go with the past tense in the rest of the sentence, but that's a minor nitpick.

Good dialogue. Lisa's reaction to Terri's outburst feels appropriate and convincing.

"Even after wiping her eyes on her sleeve, and accidentally, her nose she couldn’t tell." Needs another comma after "nose". Good description.

I don't normally say this, but you probably should specify who is the speaker of the line before the scene break, since it's not really apparent. At first, I assumed it was Lisa asking the question, which means that the next scene confused me a bit.

"Ms" should be capitalised.

This continues good: the plot flows well (bringing up the trolley problem is a great way to advance Terri's dilemma), and you have some funny lines and good descriptions, especially in the last scene. Terri's angstiness and anger feel appropriate. Maybe she apologises a bit surprisingly quickly to Lisa, but everyone acts differently in this sort of situation (I tend to hold on to anger for longer and escalate things), plus, she does want information that Lisa has. Lisa is well characterised: I like that she's trying to be friendly to Terri and ends up annoying her anyway.

Regarding your musings in the spoilers, I think you're doing a good job
Spoiler
This story is still grabbing me. Will read more.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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Re: OPINIONS: Twin of the Dead (WIP)

Post by Nidotamer » Wed Nov 21, 2018 12:22 am

c_nordlander wrote:"However she could only ever wonder if Springfield was always so dull and unpleasant." Good sentence, but I'd personally cut the "ever." It doesn't really add anything.
... I don't know how that "ever" even got there. No seriously, it doesn't even make sense in the sentence. Spooky...

Speaking of spooky, I think the only time fog was really a thing was in THOH... 10 I think? The one with Werewolf Flanders.

Good point with the perspective switch, and while looking at that I caught a wild typo too, so hey works out!

Had a feeling about the nose comma. I think I foolishly declined to use it in an attempt to avoid comma abuse, it feels like I fall into that a lot!

So since opening up about thoughts and stuff has helped generate a bit more discussions and stuff, I'd add a few cents on stuff like the apology! Although I think I do wanna leave some room for interpretation so what I'll say is probably more of a "maybe" than something entirely concrete. Kind of a much looser word-of-god.
Spoiler
Welp, applied those edits, not sure if to stick them here now or just let them be a part of the next update.

... Also I should probably talk about thought processes more because now it's encouraging discussion and hey I love it when a thing I do does that.
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Re: OPINIONS: Twin of the Dead (WIP)

Post by Nidotamer » Mon Nov 25, 2019 6:04 am

Staring on a rewrite...
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Twin of the DEAD.rtf
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Image
------
"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
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