OPINIONS: Wintering

Did you write something for the Simpsons, Futurama, original fiction or another fandom? Feel free to post it here!
User avatar
Insane Underling
Insane Underling
Posts: 11526
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
Custom Title: Christian Bale's final boss

Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Post by c_nordlander » Mon Dec 30, 2019 8:20 pm

Comments on Chapter 12:

Nice start to the chapter, nice bit of misdirection and well-written as usual.

Typo: "spikey" should be "spiky" (I had to look it up to be sure)

I laughed at Homer's line.

Typoes: "selfness" should be "selfless"; "and before left" needs a "she". Also, in "but because even though she died, Wilbur and his friends will never forget her," the "because" doesn't seem to make sense.

The whole dialogue between Bart, Marge and Homer is great. Homer's story about crying at the cinema feels exactly like something he'd say on the show, and Bart's response are hilarious. Oh, there are too many funny lines to point out. And Marge has some very good and emotional lines.

It strikes me that Homer calls Bart "son" a lot in this scene, more than I recall him doing on the show. Maybe cut one instance of it or so, or change it to "Bart" or "boy."

The last paragraph should be in the past tense.

The dialogue between Bart and Lisa is good. Especially Lisa's voice is perfect. However, it feels like a line has dropped out before "“You’re just mad at me because I laughed at you for crying,” Lisa said."

Bart's response is very funny.

Very good chapter ending. The trip is a great idea (and Ned's dialogue and actions are beautifully written in that part), and Lisa's concern about the quality of the script is very much in character for her.

Chapter 13:

Whoa, *good* scene between Lisa and Ned at the start. I have nothing to add. Fun to see a bit of a, not necessarily bad, but less likable side to Ned Flanders; that's pretty rare. And he's still in character.

Skinner's talk with Bart is good, and the description of Edna from Bart's POV is great, simple but perfect.

Edna is perfectly in character too, for the few lines she has.

No, *this* is the best chapter ending.

All in all, I have very little constructive criticism, other than the typoes I caught. Everyone is incredibly well written, the conflict comes through without being over-emphasised or melodramatic, and Edna's final line to Skinner sets it up nicely. I'm just really happy to be reading this: best of luck with the next part!
"It was originally going to be a low-key biopic about Wall Street stockbrokers, until a guy with a raincoat and an axe showed up on set." - Graham, explaining the genesis of American Psycho
Post Reply