The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by c_nordlander » Sat Dec 28, 2019 11:25 pm

You've already seen my review at deviantArt, but for the benefit of everyone else, this is very good. Cute and a bit romantic without being saccharine, and the plot is simple, but not without surprises.

The comedy is probably its strongest point. I got a good laugh out of a few lines, particularly "Lacing their packed lunches with something to make them sick, gathering and destroying anything even vaguely resembling mistletoe, dressing Milhouse up like himself."

EDIT: Ouch, page topper. Referring back to the fic at the bottom of the previous page.
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by Nidotamer » Fri Apr 17, 2020 3:12 am

I realize I don't even have a real title for this... I'm no good with names. But hey I actually got around to this!
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"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by c_nordlander » Sat Apr 18, 2020 9:08 pm

I remember enjoying what I've read of this fic. Looking forward to finding out how it ends!

Sorry to start off with a technical nitpick, but dialogue tags should not be capitalised (unless they begin with a proper name, obviously). “'C’mon, keep up!' a man called," not "'C’mon, keep up!' A man called". There are a couple of cases of this.

A lot of this is probably things I've already said in chat. The description of the carnival decorations is great. I like the subtle hint that this takes place before the main time-frame of the show (the twins don't recognise Bart or Homer). The description of the Van Houtens and Kirk's pathetic failure are funny.

It's "carny," not "carney." (I hard to check.)

Kind of weird that you use Kirk's name in the narration, given that the viewpoint character doesn't know it. His dialogue is perfectly in character, though.

Yeah, getting separated from your parent at a fun fair... never a fun experience. You catch that sense of mounting dread well, and without being verbose.

"Suddenly, everything felt so much bigger, bearing down on the twins with their soulless stares." It's a really good description, but "their" seems weird, given that the subject ("everything") is singular. Just a minor nitpick.

Typo: "a out-of-the-way"

"Even the sight of the blue-haired man’s ring rebounding off the stall pillars and knocking him out wasn’t enough to alleviate the situation." *LOL*

Lots of good writing and funny lines here. "We’re gonna get kidnapped and they’ll sell us as slaves and we can’t work yet!" is just perfect.

Another great line: "sounded like random gibberish and not the normal nonsensical gobbledegook that she could translate."

Both the drama and comedy are handled well here, with really good writing. Probably already said this in chat, but I love the paragraph about them searching for responsible-looking adults.

"He turned and quickly his beady eyes went as wide as they could, it was the same man from the ring-toss, sporting some fresh new lumps." Would be better if you split it into two sentences after "they could." Not a bad line otherwise. His reaction to them is hilarious.

"he would probably have been outmatched" would be better than "he would have probably been outmatched."

Love the description of Mel getting dunked.

"Fortunately for the twins he forgot to leave one of his hands free leaving them with ample time to escape." Might want to put a comma after "free," though it's understandable without one.
“Noooo but we can play now!” Sherri flashed her tickets, “let’s go have some fun!”
"Let's" should be capitalised, since it's a new sentence. EDIT: Also, in line with this, you should have a full stop after "tickets."

"There was a ‘clunk’ and a few gasps but they were not the kind she was hoping for." I'd put a comma after "gasps."

"laid the ring toss' favourite victim" should be "lay" (and I think it should be "toss's"). This is kind of tricky, but "laid" is the past tense of "to lay" (a transitive verb, i.e. something you do to something else), while "lay" is the past tense of "to lie."

Heh heh, Kirk's misfortunes just never end in this story.

"barker" doesn't need to be capitalised.

The description of the rabbit is great.

"Once they double checked" should probably be "they'd," since it's something that happens before the main action of the sentence. (Also, I'd put a hyphen in "double-checked," but I don't know whether that's required.)

The Mathemagician! Points for possibly the least likely minor character to appear in a fanfic?

"In seconds he was nought but a regular man in a stupid outfit." I'm giggling like crazy here!

"She didn’t bother to wait for a reply or any sort of excuse or accusation he could pull out of the mathemagic dimension or whatever." Another great one.
Spoiler
"A hefty sum of tickets" sounds odd. "Amount" would be better.

"she and Sherri had a blast." Again, should be "had had," since it refers back to a previous point in time.

"She knew Sherri had her back, and vice versa, even being abandoned didn’t seem so bad anymore." I'd split this into two sentences after "vice versa."

"reigned in" should be "reined in" (I know it's an easy mistake to make, but it refers to a horse's reins).

Great ending.


So yeah, I may have had some nitpicks, but most were technical stuff, or just general things to make it flow better. The story is very good, with a great setting, and you do an excellent job on both comedy and more emotional moments (such as Sherri comforting Terri early on). Plenty of memorable lines and jokes.

Art of the creepy rabbit toy when? :D
Last edited by c_nordlander on Sun Apr 26, 2020 1:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by Nidotamer » Sun Apr 19, 2020 2:29 am

Iirc the creepy rabbit toy appeared in an earlier thing too! I think re:Kirk being named, maybe I could add something about them overhearing his name. Like "...display of human failure named Kirk, according to maybe-sister"?
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by SirMustapha » Sun Apr 19, 2020 2:55 am

A trick you can use is to have another character (e.g. Louanne) talking to him and calling him by name, so his name becomes known to the twins and to us. That's a solution that happens in the story, and doesn't break the flow of the narrative.

Anyway, since Chris already pointed out the nitpicks, I'll just repeat what I said in chat: I really enjoyed this, You have several good lines and descriptions, and the scene with the Mathemagician was really good. I also liked the ending, and the overall structure of the story is well rounded. It feels satisfying at the end.
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by Nidotamer » Sun Apr 19, 2020 4:50 am

Also,
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Made some little edits here and there, mostly just according to Chris' advice! This work well now?
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"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by c_nordlander » Sun Apr 19, 2020 1:14 pm

Nidotamer wrote: Sun Apr 19, 2020 2:29 am Iirc the creepy rabbit toy appeared in an earlier thing too! I think re:Kirk being named, maybe I could add something about them overhearing his name. Like "...display of human failure named Kirk, according to maybe-sister"?
That works fine, IMO.

Alternatively, you don't have to name him at all. Just calling him "the blue-haired man" would be fine, since he only appears a couple of times anyway (and you don't even use his name most of those times).
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by Nidotamer » Thu Jul 22, 2021 2:52 am

Well ain't it been a while since I stuck something on here?
Between the heat and my eyes, art is way too much trouble atm. And so I give this tiny crappy little thing based off one couch gag from S17.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/14vw ... sp=sharing
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"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by SirMustapha » Thu Jul 22, 2021 8:22 pm

I already gave some comments since I got a "sneak preview" of the story, but just need to go on record about this. I really, really enjoyed this one. The balance between the comedy and the more heartfelt parts is on point, and the set up has an element of "wackiness" but that makes sense for the characters and is developed really well. I felt sorry for the twins, but the conclusion lifted me up nicely.
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Very good stuff!
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by c_nordlander » Thu Jul 22, 2021 10:02 pm

Fernie pretty much said everything I was thinking. It's a nice little story: good tension in the opening, bits that made me kind of emotional, and the ending is simply
Spoiler
In fact, the ending was the best part for me. The gummi bears gag is funny, especially the green one's line.

I quite like the title, simple as it is.

The plot is simple, but like I said, it did make me emotional. I was happy when they reconciled.

"Terri’s awkward, dumpy silhouette was cast across the room" feels a bit clumsily written, but that's the only stylistic complaint I have. Maybe the writing could use some more polishing, but it's not bad at all.

"Sherri double checked the dvd they rented" should be "had rented".

I laughed at the title of the film. It's the "Snyder cut" bit that did it for me.

"she almost hoped to have seen a skeleton amongst the beads." Good line!

I'm also a fan of:
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Kind of slight, but enjoyable and with some lines and jokes that are as good as anything you've written. I had a great time reading it.
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by Nidotamer » Thu Jul 22, 2021 11:12 pm

Well thanks a bunch!

Unfortunately I don't think I have too much of a reading of what Fernie mentioned, admittedly I hadn't thought about it at the time... but we were talking about unintentional readings that could be interesting so I dig that! I think it was a little more about childhood fears and how they can get carried away.
Spoiler
I can take a peek at the polish but I might not know what to do there right now. But hey I'm thinking way more clearly than ever so maybe something will come. I was actually trying to go for something slightly more flowery at the start, just to practice so a little out of my element. It just felt like a good excuse to try something else... at least at the start, I couldn't resist going into my usual lemony-ish writing style.

And glad the conclusion rang well with you two as well! It's always hard to find a good spot between emotional and laughable (like a *certain* OC we all know...) and it's especially since to hear since it more or less came about by accident!

Hopefully whatever I do next will come about even better. I'm on some new meds (turns out my hunch was right, I *do* have ADHD) and getting kinda galaxy brained. And hyper actually, I think clear thinking is just getting me excited!
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by Nidotamer » Thu Jul 22, 2021 11:26 pm

Made a couple little changes to the first few lines and corrected the tense on the dvd line. Does it work any better?
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"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by c_nordlander » Sat Jul 24, 2021 8:42 pm

The opening was already good, and I feel it flows better now.

In general, polishing is all about reading through your story and feeling whether anything is unnecessary or can be expressed better. Sometimes reading aloud can help catching things you wouldn't catch otherwise, too.

And congratulations on being galaxy-brained! It sounds like it's already giving you plenty of motivation.
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by Nidotamer » Wed Dec 01, 2021 12:48 am

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1tWk ... sp=sharing

A slighty-future ficlet that I started during circlework with Bart!

kiiind of a rough draft but hopefully it's cute 'n all! Need to probably edit a buncha stuff but best to get opinions on that first...
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by c_nordlander » Sat Dec 11, 2021 12:34 am

That was really powerful, probably your best fic so far in terms of sheer emotion. Plus, a great start to Bart's and Terri's relationship in your future-canon.

The plot is pretty simple, but I empathised a lot with Bart's emotional turmoil, and accordingly really rooted for Terri to cheer them up. The issue of Bart's genderqueer-ness comes in subtly and, as far as I can tell, is handled respectfully. Both characters are written well, especially Terri's exuberance and energy feel very canonical. And Bart being depressive is hardly unheard of on the show.

The idea of Milhouse turning on Bart and hanging out with the bullies is rather in character for him. At first I thought it was depressing, then I found out how they ended up splitting and... ow. You have some good points here about not sticking together with acquaintances who keep hurting you.

You have some funny lines as well. I got a laugh out of "One would think an Itchy and Scratchy game would have been able to handle more corpses." And some other sentences that aren't funny per se, just witty and paint a good picture.

The ending is simply sweet.

The only slight downside I can think of is that Bart bringing up doing "girly stuff" at the end comes off as a bit abrupt, since they haven't really mentioned their genderqueerness to Terri until then, and Terri doesn't seem aware of it. Still, as problems go it's small.

A couple stylistic or technical nitpicks:

"Sherri was the smart one, perhaps she would have known what to say but Terri didn’t." This would flow a lot better with a comma after "say". Great sentence otherwise.

"All she knew is she was right about her hunch earlier, Bart really needed a friend." Should be "was" instead of "is," and the sentence feels a little bit clumsy. I would have written it as "All she knew was, her hunch earlier had been right" or something similar. Flows a bit better.

You should have spaces both before and after a dash, as in "actually killed the target - Scratchy, of course - was" etc. This took me ages to learn. Also, "NPCs" should be capitalised.

Some of the writing is a bit unpolished, especially in the first few pages. Not bad at all, just feels like it needs an extra read-over. I can point out more specific examples if you like.

Yes, this definitely made me feel emotional, without being over-dramatic. I'm happy I read it.
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