The Formicide Gang [work in progress]: the bullshit thread

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SirMustapha
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Re: The Formicide Gang [work in progress]: the bullshit thread

Post by SirMustapha » Sun Jan 23, 2022 8:58 pm

So with the most recent update, we're up to chapter 10, concluding the "action" part of the story. We still have quite a long way to go before we're done, though...
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Re: The Formicide Gang [work in progress]: the bullshit thread

Post by c_nordlander » Mon Mar 28, 2022 11:38 pm

Comments on "The Eighth Day":

The start, with Rita and the ants, is very good suspense. It leads naturally into Carol explaining what is going on (both with the ants and her ability).

I like the scene of Carol fighting them off, but in the sentence
Spoiler
I'm not quite happy with the "lots of." Maybe "many," or even "swathes of" or "masses of," would feel better. Just me.

I think you've handled the revelation of Carol's ability to the rest of the group about as well as any story I've read. Too often, this type of story has people accepting the supernatural way too easily (I'm probably guilty of it myself). Here, you have some people with lingering suspicion, even after Carol demonstrates beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is a telepath. It feels very true to life.

There are a lot of things I like here. Carol staying awake to watch over Rita is a nice and tense plot element.

The scene at the hotel was a good idea, proving that the threat posed by the ants is real. I've wondered how well the ant plot would work, seeing how it would easily come off as pulpy, but I think it still works.

I'll send you typo issues separately, but just one nitpick: "torchlight" doesn't mean the hand-held lamp thingie in English. You want "flashlight" (US English) or "torch" (British English).

The desperation when
Spoiler
No fear of pain! The only fear we claim is the fear of shame,
Of breaking the ancient and sacred consecration we're obeying!
Should you see us kneeling, it's merely because we feel like praying!


-- Dan Bull, "War of Dawn of War of Dawn"

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Re: The Formicide Gang [work in progress]: the bullshit thread

Post by SirMustapha » Tue Mar 29, 2022 1:51 am

Lovely bit of feedback/criticism once again, Chris! Thank you for still sticking with the story. I agree with all your points, and I'm glad that some of the pivotal moments of the story have worked for you. E.g. the group's reaction to Carol's secret was one thing I spent a lot of thought trying to work out, and I even had to back and change a few things about those scenes, because I was too conscious of the "supernatural things are immediately accepted by everyone because the plot needs to move on" problem. And I wanted some actual counterpoint to Rita's quick acceptance and unwavering trust for Carol, to drive home the fact that this is due to Rita's own personality, and not just because The Plot demands it.
Spoiler
And yeah, the "torch/torchlight" bit was a complete screw up. When I realised that flashlight is the US term, I tried to search for the UK equivalent and ended up with a wrong answer for... some reason. I'll make sure to fix it, and the other typos you've caught.
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Re: The Formicide Gang [work in progress]: the bullshit thread

Post by c_nordlander » Tue Mar 29, 2022 11:12 am

Yeah, as a translator I've been there myself. :) No worries.

Please note that the only thing I felt was too short was the scene of Carol getting them out of there. Their actual imprisonment I think had the exact right amount of weight.
No fear of pain! The only fear we claim is the fear of shame,
Of breaking the ancient and sacred consecration we're obeying!
Should you see us kneeling, it's merely because we feel like praying!


-- Dan Bull, "War of Dawn of War of Dawn"

Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me to discuss.
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Re: The Formicide Gang [work in progress]: the bullshit thread

Post by SirMustapha » Tue May 17, 2022 1:52 am

Well, at long last, the first post has been updated with the first version of the complete story. All chapters.

Of course, I don't discard small fixes in the future, but there shouldn't be any changes anymore. This is it. If any of you were unsure about getting started while the story wasn't totally done, there's your chance. Me, I'll just try to relax and focus more fully on other projects for now. But of course, all concrit is still welcome and will most likely be incorporated into a second version.
"I know that the bourgeoisie stinks, but it has money to buy perfume."
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Re: The Formicide Gang [work in progress]: the bullshit thread

Post by c_nordlander » Tue May 17, 2022 10:34 am

First of all, massive congrats! Rest a bit now.

I'm up to about page 200, but I'll keep reading and commenting as I go.
No fear of pain! The only fear we claim is the fear of shame,
Of breaking the ancient and sacred consecration we're obeying!
Should you see us kneeling, it's merely because we feel like praying!


-- Dan Bull, "War of Dawn of War of Dawn"

Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me to discuss.
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