Nice, I've been waiting for more!
"Naturally, one with to Skinner." Typo? It seems like it's missing a word.
"Homer even ate a fruit salad to please his mom." Get what you're saying, but the grammar makes it come off as Homer's mom, not Marge.
The last long paragraph on page 1 is good, but I think it would work even better with a paragraph break before Skinner starts talking.
Short chapter, but the story continues very good. The first scene is atmospheric, and there is a lot of quiet emotion in the writing, never becoming melodramatic. The chapter ending does a good job keeping me interested for more.
Everyone is still perfectly in character. Bart stands out.
Aside from the few technical nitpicks above, I don't see anything that needs improving.
Thank you for continuing to write this story; I'm hyped up to see how it ends.
OPINIONS: Wintering
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c_nordlander
- Insane Underling
- Posts: 12536
- Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
- Custom Title: Yes, I'm in SCP: Slaughter, Crush, Purify
Re: OPINIONS: Wintering
No fear of pain! The only fear we claim is the fear of shame,
Of breaking the ancient and sacred consecration we're obeying!
Should you see us kneeling, it's merely because we feel like praying!
-- Dan Bull, "War of Dawn of War of Dawn"
Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me to discuss.
Of breaking the ancient and sacred consecration we're obeying!
Should you see us kneeling, it's merely because we feel like praying!
-- Dan Bull, "War of Dawn of War of Dawn"
Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me to discuss.
-
missy_misery
- Sector Control Officer
- Posts: 2395
- Joined: Sun Sep 17, 2006 1:04 am
Re: OPINIONS: Wintering
Will fix up those typos! Thank you so much!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy. Missy's good.)
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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missy_misery
- Sector Control Officer
- Posts: 2395
- Joined: Sun Sep 17, 2006 1:04 am
Re: OPINIONS: Wintering
Getting more toward the end here...
- Attachments
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- EdnaDeath18.docx
- (14.11 KiB) Downloaded 15 times
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy. Missy's good.)
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
-
c_nordlander
- Insane Underling
- Posts: 12536
- Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
- Custom Title: Yes, I'm in SCP: Slaughter, Crush, Purify
Re: OPINIONS: Wintering
Lovely opening. Homer's misunderstanding about "throwing bones" is very in-character (it would almost be funnier if Lisa didn't explain it, but it's still great). "I'm supposed to look suave, not cute!" is a perfect Bart line.
"I didn’t know you could cry." Another great line.
Skinner's following line is... just perfect. I'm not going to waste a lot of words on it. It's the way it should be, nothing more and nothing less.
Love the little reference to Laura Powers.
Typoes: "Flaners" and "Krabbaple" (Mrs. Krabappel's name is typoed further down as well).
"And Bart wondered if she was thinking of Bleeding Gums Murphy, remembering the death of an old friend." Really powerful line, but I think it would be even more powerful if you cut out the bit after the comma. Your call, of course.
Bart's final line is great as well.
Thank you for this update. Very little to nitpick, other than a couple of typoes. Keep 'em coming, I still love this fic.
"I didn’t know you could cry." Another great line.
Skinner's following line is... just perfect. I'm not going to waste a lot of words on it. It's the way it should be, nothing more and nothing less.
Love the little reference to Laura Powers.
Typoes: "Flaners" and "Krabbaple" (Mrs. Krabappel's name is typoed further down as well).
"And Bart wondered if she was thinking of Bleeding Gums Murphy, remembering the death of an old friend." Really powerful line, but I think it would be even more powerful if you cut out the bit after the comma. Your call, of course.
Bart's final line is great as well.
Thank you for this update. Very little to nitpick, other than a couple of typoes. Keep 'em coming, I still love this fic.
No fear of pain! The only fear we claim is the fear of shame,
Of breaking the ancient and sacred consecration we're obeying!
Should you see us kneeling, it's merely because we feel like praying!
-- Dan Bull, "War of Dawn of War of Dawn"
Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me to discuss.
Of breaking the ancient and sacred consecration we're obeying!
Should you see us kneeling, it's merely because we feel like praying!
-- Dan Bull, "War of Dawn of War of Dawn"
Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me to discuss.
-
missy_misery
- Sector Control Officer
- Posts: 2395
- Joined: Sun Sep 17, 2006 1:04 am
Re: OPINIONS: Wintering
Gah, I can't believe I missed those simple typos; fixed on the permanent copy! Thank you, as always!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy. Missy's good.)
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"