OPINIONS: Wintering

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missy_misery
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Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Postby missy_misery » Mon Jul 03, 2017 4:37 am

Just bumping this to say I'm gonna have an update done soon! AKA plot finally struck me in the brain like a two-by-four.
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Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Postby missy_misery » Mon Sep 04, 2017 8:12 am

Next chapter! In which Edna has a good day, and Skinner asks her for some advice.
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Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Postby c_nordlander » Thu Sep 07, 2017 8:03 pm

Ooh, more to read! Comments on the latest chapter:

Very good start to the chapter. You catch a nice, simple tone and show that someone can be happy even in this situation, rather than just loading on more gloom.

Typo: "He suddenly seemed a bit more mature, a bit more" This sentence just ends. Good paragraph otherwise, feels very in character for Seymour.

"burstin' for some wurstin'": excellent, very Ned.

Love her dark joke and Seymour calling her on it as well.

The bit about Krusty dedicating a memorial garden to his father is a really sweet little detail. (Though I think the show spells his name "Krustofsky". That's a nitpick, though.)

Typo?: "rappaport". I guess that could be Seymour making up words to be silly, but that seems more like a Ned thing.

Typo: "she sighed and watch the traffic"

*LOL* @ "try to act out the book with army figures". You have a bunch of good jokes in this chapter.

Typo: "At home, Todd, Rod and Waiting for her."

You have a lot of good descriptions, especially in this scene.

"Even with her life narrowing down to these few short fragile flickers of joy – even with the end coming –there was still joy." Damn, that's a beautiful line. One nitpick: it feels a bit repetitive with "joy" twice in the sentence. Not that you should use synonyms just for the sake of variety, but it does feel like another word might be better. (Also, on a technical note, you have two spaces after "Even," and are missing a space after the second dash.)

Edna's note to Bart made me burst out laughing.

Nice ending to the chapter as well.


To sum up: I'm still enjoying this. The story is kind of slow, but "slow" is an appropriate pace for this plot. Also, everyone in this chapter is perfectly in character. You've given Edna a lot of depth, while retaining her crusty nature from the show. Seymour, Ned and Bart are great as well.

I don't have anything negative to say about it, just a couple of sentences that might be improved, and a couple of typoes. I'm looking forward to more.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Postby missy_misery » Sun Sep 17, 2017 2:35 am

Ugh, at all of my sentences that lack endings there :p I'll go through and fix them soon!

Also I swear I keep accidentally messing up Krustofsky. Going to make a note of that! And Rappaport is a word! OR it should be!

I'm having a lot of fun (if you can have fun writing a subject this dark!) writing this story. Thank you for sticking with it!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Postby missy_misery » Mon Dec 18, 2017 7:08 am

And here's the next chapter!!
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Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Postby c_nordlander » Thu Dec 21, 2017 9:55 pm

"he could hear the taunt in Lisa’s voice": "he" should be capitalised, since this works better as a separate sentence than a dialogue tag (IMO). Lisa's line is hilarious, though.

All the dialogue here is good. Marge trying to feed Homer slimming food feels like it could be a scene straight out of the first three or so seasons.

I like Bart helping with the dishes.

"Let's not get too excited" made me chuckle.

Skinner's following line is excellent with the way he euphemises the subject, and his voice is spot-on in all his dialogue.

Ehh, what can I say, all the dialogue here is good. Bart has some zingers.

Great ending to the chapter, dramatic while still low-key. Made me a bit sad.

I really don't have much to critique. This chapter is a bit dialogue-heavy, but that's a minor problem, since you don't really need more description. Everyone is in character, but Skinner really stands out (like in previous chapters). Keep going, this story is very good indeed.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Postby missy_misery » Sun Mar 11, 2018 11:22 pm

I'm so glad it's good; I'm really proud of this series!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Postby missy_misery » Mon Jul 02, 2018 1:56 am

One More!
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Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Postby c_nordlander » Fri Jul 06, 2018 10:47 pm

Typo: "“Because if you cause any sort of mischief I’ll" breaks off in mid-sentence. (Though in a way, that makes the line even more hilarious, as if Principal Skinner threatened something so horrific it had to be censored.)

Really annoying stylistic nitpick:

“Dinner’s ready kids – you’ve been out here for a long time,” she observed,
I think you should have "Marge" instead of "she" here, since the antecedent is "Marge and Homer," not simply "Marge". (Yes, we realise that "she" can only refer to one of those two people, but using her name just feels better.)

Homer's funny here, and his voice is very much in character. And the bit with Marge and the bottle again feels like something that would fit perfectly into the first few seasons. Homer's response is great, too.

Typo: in "Marge said, “good!!", the "good" should be capitalised. Also, you don't need the dialogue tag at the end of her line, since you started it with "Marge said."

Short section, but predictably, I'm still liking this. Everyone's perfectly in character: I'm particularly impressed with how you've caught Lisa's and Skinner's voices. There are some classic-tier jokes, and while there's not a lot of action in this part, the ending of the chapter still makes me intrigued about what's to come. Nothing bad here, except the occasional typo/capitalisation issue pointed out above.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Postby missy_misery » Sun Jul 15, 2018 4:08 am

Thank you so much, Chris! I'll fix the dangling stuff up soon!!!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Postby missy_misery » Sat Dec 15, 2018 11:48 pm

Next chapter: in which Seymour strains himself and Marge and Homer have a Serious Talk.
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Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Postby c_nordlander » Mon Dec 17, 2018 8:09 pm

Comments:

"Jealous Julius"... all right, this chapter is already great. Perfect Ned expression.

Typo: "Seymor". Also, there's a space missing after the ellipsis in Skinner's first line.

The idea of a tribute show to Mrs. Krabappel is great. Maybe it's a bit of an infodump, but that's not a big problem. And you catch both Ned's and Skinner's voices as well as ever.

Typo: "teaher's". (Also, I think it should strictly be either "teachers' lounge" or "teachers lounge" [using the noun as an adjective], but not "teacher's lounge" which implies there's only one teacher. This sentence has been brought to you by the Nitpickers' Guild.)

Typo: "Enda"

The whole first scene is great: the descriptions, the conversation between the two of them. I don't have a lot more to say. It's very well written, and you get through how much Seymour's suffering without needing to spend many words on it.

Homer's dialogue is very much in character. His and Marge's dialogue is full of funny moments that could easily be in a good episode. Homer's affirmation of how much he thinks of "Lisa, Bart and the baby" is absolutely hilarious.

Ooh, effective cliffhanger moment.

Not much to say about this; apart from a couple of typoes, it's just plain good. The first scene is quietly dramatic (full marks to Ned for being nice to Seymour), and Marge's and Homer's scene is really witty. Everyone's in character. I really want to see what happens next (no stress, though).
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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missy_misery
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Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Postby missy_misery » Sun Mar 10, 2019 2:41 am

Thank you so, so much <3
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Postby missy_misery » Sun Jul 07, 2019 6:58 pm

And here comes the next chapter!
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EdnaDeath12.docx
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Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"

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