The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Did you write something for the Simpsons, Futurama, original fiction or another fandom? Feel free to post it here!
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The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby Nidotamer » Tue Oct 06, 2015 3:48 pm

So um... I guess this is a little unusual, since most fic work has its own thread most of the time. But I've been trying to practice about with stuff (and get feedback, obviously) and well, I don't really think these will be long enough to deserve their own thread yet technically not short enough to really count as a drabble... also judging from the first one I did, they don't take that long either and would probably end up flooding the boards if I made a thread for each one.

On the plus side, it's a pretty easy way to practice writing, get a better feel for characters and actually establish them too without many strings attached (see: noticeable plot)

----
First one's actually Lisa-centric. I mean for a start she's someone I need to get a stronger grasp for writing. Don't really know how to summarize this one...

(mostly added the ms word version for anyone who can't open odt files. Not having word, I don't know if the formatting and stuff looks alright in that program so if you can, I'd recommend the odt version)
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[21:32] <Chris> The red Snifit!
[21:32] <Chris> My life is now complete.
[21:32] <Chris> MAY: *kills him*
----
"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby SirMustapha » Wed Oct 21, 2015 9:40 pm

Sheesh, sure took me long enough to actually write this.

Maybe this is due to personal associations, but the first time I read that, it hit hard. Not that I ever did the same thing that Lisa does in that fic (if anything, I was prone to do the exact opposite...), but the theme of pressure, expectation and disappointment is all too real for anyone who, at some point, had a somehow exception aptitude for something; "the bloom came off that rose not so long ago" is a particularly disheartening (in a good sense) quote. At the same time it's not all doom and gloom, and you steer it far from gratuitous angst and gleeful psychological torture (although in this specific case, even a bleaker ending would have made sense, because the theme is so powerful, and because you approach it from a very believable angle for an 8-year-old prodigy. It's intellectually mature, but also innocent).

And I also appreciate the tangential tidbits you add to the narrative (the absurdities about George Washington and Lisa's impressions of Itchy & Scratchy, particularly). That's a strength you have displayed in both of your stories that I've read (Slumber Party and the Bart and Terri short story).

I really don't have any flaws to point out or suggestions to make. For me, it's fine just as it is. A solid contribution, no doubt.
"Inside the museums, Infinity goes up on trial
Voices echo this is what salvation must be like after a while
But Mona Lisa musta had the highway blues
You can tell by the way she smiles"

-- Bob Dylan, "Visions of Johanna"
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby c_nordlander » Fri Oct 23, 2015 7:52 pm

This is seriously well written. The style feels better than in your previous fics.

Typo: you have two periods after "monitor".

OK, the description of the history textbook made me giggle. Sounds like Springfield Elementary to me.

"Not so much because she even wanted to, she wouldn't wish such tedium on her worst enemies, but rather because she had to." This sentence feels a bit too wordy (though I like the middle bit). I'd trim it down to something like "Not so much because she wanted to [...], but because she had to."

Like Fernie, I like the following paragraphs. It's a side of Lisa we don't really see on the show (maybe slightly when she worried that she was losing her smarts in "Lisa the Simpson"), but that I can totally believe is there. It feels very true and personal. Essentially, I'll just co-sign everything Fernie said.

Another very good line: "Perhaps she would have been better off settling for 'above average'."

"Having finished that discouraging thought": I don't think you need "discouraging", since it's made very clear from the context. Show vs. tell etc.

Janey's message and the description of the video are some more hilarious bit. Especially the "sousaphone" part.

The last paragraph isn't bad in terms of content, but a bit wordy. A bit too many occurrences of "still" and other words that take up space without adding much. Might be a good idea to read it out loud to yourself and see whether it's too wordy.

In short, I really like this. Not a lot of plot, but that's not a problem for a short fic, and it contains some excellent insights (that I could relate to, too). Lisa is great, the jokes are great, and all in all this is probably the best story you've posted so far. Only a couple of sentences felt a bit wordy. Other than that, I think it barely needs any constructive criticism.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby Nidotamer » Fri Oct 23, 2015 9:04 pm

Best, eh? Well that's certainly a step in the right direction. Although at the same time that also makes for a tough act to follow. Still, glad to hear people liked the little bits I sprinkled in (sousaphone, Washington vs Hitler) and it's nice to know that I'm... less prone now to be overly wordy. :3

Really both of these comments are the kind of thing I'd clutch to my chest if they were on paper. :D
[21:32] <Chris> The red Snifit!
[21:32] <Chris> My life is now complete.
[21:32] <Chris> MAY: *kills him*
----
"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby Nidotamer » Thu Oct 29, 2015 9:42 pm

So got something new! With Bart&Terri... I call it: Bartiberry! :D
Still just about a page long so not much.
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quietmoment.odt
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[21:32] <Chris> The red Snifit!
[21:32] <Chris> My life is now complete.
[21:32] <Chris> MAY: *kills him*
----
"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby SirMustapha » Fri Oct 30, 2015 12:39 pm

Since we discussed this piece at length before you put it up here, it's reasonable that I don't have a lot of new things to say about it, but I still want to leave an "official" account. I think this works as a great follow-up of sorts to the other "Bartiberry" (I like that word) story you posted here, Late Night. The attempt at capturing them at a quiet, idle moment is a nice thing to put in text, and the gaming scene is a great display of how their relationship works less on a sugary romantic fashion, but still with lots of care and a partners-in-crime feel. Just imagining the scene of them laughing themselves silly at a dumb game already makes me want to laugh with them.

The bits at the start describing their habits and routines really works too. It's nice to provide flashes of their day-to-day life without going on full infodump mode, and providing just enough for us to get a mental picture.

I just feel sorry again for my awful inability to make a decent, technical review. There may be some issues (other than the ones we discussed) I haven't spotted at all, so I apologise. But again, this is a fine work, and leaves some nice ground to explore on Bart and Terri's relationship. If you do elaborate it further, either as a full-blown story or as a sort of anthology of short pieces, you'd do fine.
"Inside the museums, Infinity goes up on trial
Voices echo this is what salvation must be like after a while
But Mona Lisa musta had the highway blues
You can tell by the way she smiles"

-- Bob Dylan, "Visions of Johanna"
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby c_nordlander » Fri Oct 30, 2015 8:49 pm

Cool that you're doing more with this pairing! I don't know why, but seeing an older Bart in a happy (not "fairytale" happy, just normal happy) relationship really seems to cheer me up. At the same time, as Fernie said, it's definitely not saccharine.

"Bart went back to staring at the television wondering what to play": nothing really bad about this, but it feels a bit dull, since you had "For the past five minutes he had been considering what to play next" a couple of paragraphs earlier, and it feels like a bit more variety is needed. This is a very small nitpick, though.

"He had already played most of the 'good' games to death. One would think removing someone's spine and hanging them by it while tap dancing on their torn out heart would never become boring." This is hilarious, well on a par with the Washington line in your previous short fic. Having "good" within quotes feels a bit weird, though, unless Bart doesn't actually think those games are good.

I'd change "Pistol's colourful friends were blown up" to "blew up" (it feels less wordy and thus more "close"). Other than that, really funny!

Not much to say about this. The game is funny (so 90s!) and like I said, seeing Bart and Terri just having fun together makes me feel really upbeat. My only real complaint (apart from the couple of suggestions above) is that a couple of paragraphs seem to summarise things for the reader rather than actually showing us the story. But then, some of that is needed (or this story would be five times its size), and it's a minor issue anyway.

So yeah, another good story. Very little here that needs fixing, IMO.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby Nidotamer » Fri Oct 30, 2015 9:01 pm

So I thought I'd also keep a ... sorta sketchbook for writing. Most people might call that a notebook but as someone who's usually more on the art side of things, I'm calling it a sketchwritebook... writesketch... snippet book... document... uh. Whatever. Basically they're out-of context things I've been doing either for practice or just feel like it.

First one's a mostly-out-of-context conversation, just trying to get a feel for scripting and a bit of dialogue. Nothing more to it. I'm probably not following the format properly but hey, that's half the use of sticking it here.
Spoiler


So yeah, stuff that comes off the top of my head! Got another prosey one too that I'll get to eventually.
[21:32] <Chris> The red Snifit!
[21:32] <Chris> My life is now complete.
[21:32] <Chris> MAY: *kills him*
----
"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby SirMustapha » Mon Nov 02, 2015 4:37 pm

So, turns out I have something to offer to this thread. Even though I wrote it, it's fully based on May's ideas, so I'm putting it up here.

(as an interesting sidenote, this idea was something I came up with four years ago during theatre classes, when we were asked to improvise a scene. I thought it fit for Bart and Terri, and then it was only a matter of writing)
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"Inside the museums, Infinity goes up on trial
Voices echo this is what salvation must be like after a while
But Mona Lisa musta had the highway blues
You can tell by the way she smiles"

-- Bob Dylan, "Visions of Johanna"
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Re: The Fernie steals Nidotamer Shortfics Thread again

Postby SirMustapha » Wed Nov 04, 2015 2:35 pm

So this is, well, another idea on a similar theme to the previous one. Again, May-based-and-inspired Bart and Terri one-page fic based on an idea I had last weekend.
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"Inside the museums, Infinity goes up on trial
Voices echo this is what salvation must be like after a while
But Mona Lisa musta had the highway blues
You can tell by the way she smiles"

-- Bob Dylan, "Visions of Johanna"
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby Nidotamer » Wed Nov 04, 2015 3:12 pm

Haha, I don't mind the stealing. Title gave me a good laugh though. Think you already know how I feel about both of these. =P
[21:32] <Chris> The red Snifit!
[21:32] <Chris> My life is now complete.
[21:32] <Chris> MAY: *kills him*
----
"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby Nidotamer » Tue Dec 01, 2015 4:13 pm

Just some little thing done in five minutes. Was based on a prompt.

Spoiler


Jus' thought I'd share.
[21:32] <Chris> The red Snifit!
[21:32] <Chris> My life is now complete.
[21:32] <Chris> MAY: *kills him*
----
"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby c_nordlander » Fri Dec 04, 2015 8:06 pm

Read "Hall Monitor":

Not much to say about it, since it's so short, but it's a funny joke, and Lisa's and the twins' voices are perfect. Some very funny lines, too. You end on a good punchline and don't just let the story fizzle out, which can be easier said than done. The format is easily legible.

Will continue reading these (yours and Fernando's) when I have time.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby c_nordlander » Fri Dec 11, 2015 8:10 pm

Comments on Fernie's dream story (the first one posted):

Typoes and technical stuff: "on bed" should be "in"; "take" sleep should be "get" (this shows up twice); "making her lose her sleep" would be better as "making her lose sleep"; "as restless as it could be, it was still sleep" doesn't really mean the same thing in English (I'd change it to "as restless at it might be" or just "as it was", which feels a bit less formal); "in the previous times he heard her" should be changed to "the previous times he'd heard her";

"Only her slow breathing showed any signs of life" is a good description, but the writing feels a bit muddled. I'd change it to "Her only sign of life was her slow breathing" or something like that.

The description of Terri's voice when she's talking in her sleep is great.

"Her job wasn’t only tiresome while she was awake, but also while she was sleeping?" I'd change "wasn't" to "was not". Other than that, nice sentence.

"new found" needs a hyphen.

I know I may have seemed a bit critical, but those technical nitpicks aside, the story is great. The writing feels a bit plain in the first half (not bad, just lacklustre), but the plot is great for such a short story, and the ending is funny and left me with a happy feeling. Great work!
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby c_nordlander » Fri Dec 18, 2015 9:13 pm

Fernando's second "dream" story:

Technical nitpicks: "if they kept always changing" would be better if changed to "if they always kept changing". Similarly, "as if the rain only existed to him" would be better as "existed only to him". "on bed" should be "in bed".

This is well written. Very descriptive, and it feels like a real dream. (Hopefully not a spoiler.) The rumble is great, and I like a lot of little details, like the rain that only Bart can feel.

"how he got there" should be "how he'd got there".

"It was like the sound was, now, inside his head": I think this sentence will feel more immediate if you cut the commas around "now", or rewrite it to "was inside his head now".

Nice ending.

Not much to say. The imagery is great, Bart is in character, and the ending is pretty sweet. (It felt like I figured out what had happened in the ending a lot quicker than Bart did, but then, he had just woken up and was still confused.)

If you want more input on anything else, just feel free to ask.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"

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