The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Did you write something for the Simpsons, Futurama, original fiction or another fandom? Feel free to post it here!
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby c_nordlander » Tue Oct 25, 2016 9:44 am

Oh, I was confused. I thought you were talking about starting a writing prompt thread.

Obviously, if we're talking about just your writings, it's up to you where you post them.

(More reviews to come when I've got the time.)
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby Nidotamer » Tue Oct 25, 2016 10:22 am

Well, if enough people would be interested, could be a general writing prompt thread. Though otherwise I was thinking of just linking prompt posts from places and people could either reply or pm with something for me to do! Challenge and all that!
[21:32] <Chris> The red Snifit!
[21:32] <Chris> My life is now complete.
[21:32] <Chris> MAY: *kills him*
----
"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby Nidotamer » Sat Oct 29, 2016 4:54 pm

Not a prompt but something with Allison and Janey! Not too used to these guys carrying a story, so hopefully I didn't mess up too badly...

But if I'm gonna do any bigger writings, it's best to try and branch out a little, right?
Attachments
studybuddies.odt
(23.77 KiB) Downloaded 70 times
[21:32] <Chris> The red Snifit!
[21:32] <Chris> My life is now complete.
[21:32] <Chris> MAY: *kills him*
----
"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby c_nordlander » Sat Oct 29, 2016 9:04 pm

Comments on "Martin the Strategist".

Like the title, feels like an early-ish episode one.

Grammar nitpick: "there was just too many" should be "were". (Also, from a stylistic viewpoint, I think "just" could be cut, but that's really a taste thing.)

“Hiiiii Martin.” Both of them sighed.
Should be a comma, and "both" shouldn't be capitalised. (Same thing with Kearney's line further down the page, and Martin's where he says he has an idea.)

Some really good and funny writing here. I particularly like Martin's brag about having friends, and Jimbo's line about the hospital.

Another technical thing: you're missing a blank line after "pelting you with crud!"

You need a full stop after "Kearney crashed right into him".

Typo: "Kearny" (you get it right everywhere else)

Martin correcting their grammar is funny.

Spoiler


"How 'bout that strategy" needs punctuation at the end.

So yeah, not much to say about this one. Funny Pokémon names, good story, and some excellent jokes. Pretty nice ending.

I really enjoyed this. Highly recommended to everyone.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby Nidotamer » Sun Nov 20, 2016 3:06 pm

Just another little thing. Had more to say but maybe later. I'm not in much of a state to go on about it right now.
Attachments
letsleepingtwinslie.odt
(24.57 KiB) Downloaded 58 times
[21:32] <Chris> The red Snifit!
[21:32] <Chris> My life is now complete.
[21:32] <Chris> MAY: *kills him*
----
"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby SirMustapha » Mon Nov 21, 2016 1:45 am

I've already discussed that one with you, but just gotta let a small review anyway. I'm glad to see you going into Bart and Terri's relationship again, with a story that's very unapologetic in its length and simplicity. And I gotta say, having been in a relationship before, I strongly relate with that scene, and I suppose that's the case of lots of people who have been there too. Bart's concern and Terri's exhaustion are very endearing, and the writing makes it come across quite well. Another good one. :)
"Inside the museums, Infinity goes up on trial
Voices echo this is what salvation must be like after a while
But Mona Lisa musta had the highway blues
You can tell by the way she smiles"

-- Bob Dylan, "Visions of Johanna"
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby c_nordlander » Sat Nov 26, 2016 10:54 pm

Comments on "I don't know if I should kiss you or slap you"

Fun and original setting for a fanfic about Bart and co. Pretty well-written as well: we get a good feel of the surroundings even though you don't actually describe that much.

"Tuna-fist sandwich" made me laugh. Also "or the Hollywood version of a shark".

"Sherri and her little sister/shadow, Terri" This needs a comma after "Terri" (because it's part of the "explanation", not the main clause). Pretty good line, though.

Nelson's jab after that is great, especially him laughing at his own joke.

"just what in the hell happened." I'd change to "had happened", since it's about something that happened previously to the "present".

“Eeeeek! Worms! get them off, get them off!” She screamed
The first "get" should be capitalised, and the "she" shouldn't, since it's a dialogue tag.

"as she tried to bat them away. Although this only made her situation worse as she fell back." I don't think this looks very good as two sentences. I'd change it to something like "as she tried to bat them away, but this only made her situation worse" etc. The bit with the pig is funny.

Lots of good lines and jokes here.

"wondering around the farm" should be "wandering".

Clear typo: "It didn’t need to" should be "He".

"It didn’t need to peek into the barn it was coming from to guess who that sound belonged to." This just feels kind of clumsily written. I suggest reading the sentence out loud, that might help you find something that flows better.

I like Bart's reaction to
Spoiler
and Sherri spotting him.

The conversation with Sherri is very good, especially her insult.

"Bart didn’t even notice her approaching." This would be better as "hadn't even noticed" etc.

Would Bart be aware who of the twins is the older and who is the younger?

At the start of the scene with the bull, it was a bit hard for me to know what was going on, but I figured it out fairly quickly, so I don't know if that's a negative.

"leaning on and pounding the barn door with her fist." I'd change to "leaning on the barn door and pounding it with her fist." EDIT: Typo redacted, thanks May!

"Could have swore" should be "sworn".

The ending is very cute
Spoiler


A good story, with great characterisation of all the central characters, a setting I don't see in a lot of fanfics, and (like I said) giving a nice sense of place without having so much description as to slow the plot down. The worm event is excellently nasty, and what Bart does to resolve things is funny and in character. The plot is well-constructed; it's certainly not a mess in any way. (Except for insofar as it contains, eww, mud and worms.)

My only problem (except the typoes, which are easy to fix) is that some of the writing doesn't seem to flow so well (mostly early in the story). I've pointed out the sentences that felt a bit badly written to me, but by and large, the writing is pretty good.

Recommended.
Last edited by c_nordlander on Sun Nov 27, 2016 2:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby Nidotamer » Sun Nov 27, 2016 10:00 am

Well went and updated for... some reason. I mean the suggestions were fine but I'm surprised I went back and put 'em in, my reaction to my own work is usually hissing and making the cross sign at it.:P

I DID catch a typo in the crit though.

"leaning on the barn door and pounding it with her first." should be "leaning on the barn door and pounding it with her fist."

Who's the reviewer now, huh?

Still though, thanks. :3
Attachments
Prompts1.rtf
(53.9 KiB) Downloaded 53 times
[21:32] <Chris> The red Snifit!
[21:32] <Chris> My life is now complete.
[21:32] <Chris> MAY: *kills him*
----
"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby c_nordlander » Fri Dec 23, 2016 10:21 pm

Comments on "Study Buddies":

I like that it's focused on Allison and Janey. Can't remember reading a fanfic where they interact much, and Janey doesn't get a lot of fandom love in general. This story gives some interesting bits of characterisation for her.

"When Allison offered to help her study, Janey was expecting to have someone to chat to." should be "When Allison had offered" etc., since it's in a time plane prior to the present time of the story, if that makes sense.

The Malibu Stacy joke is great, totally can see that one on the show.

"She probably should have known that Allison would have taken this seriously" I think this would flow better as "Allison would take this seriously".

"While she got distracted by Janey, some of the pages flipped over." Again, I think this would be better as "while she'd got distracted" and "some of the pages had flipped over".

The paragraph about the mayors of Springfield is hilariously written. Janey's musings in the next paragraph are good too.

Like the non-shatter ruler.

"Having snapped back to reality her first sight was Allison, still looking as collected as ever." Kind of feels like a clumsy sentence. I would at least put a comma after "reality".

"the 'paf' from Janey's hair hitting against her arms." Love this description, but I think the word "against" isn't necessary. Up to you, though.

Slight spoilers, in case anyone wants to come into the fic completely blind:

Spoiler


"now she was wagging her ruler like a finger" is a good line. Also love the line about how vigorously she's shaking her head.

"cleared her voice" should probably be "cleared her throat".

Again, "something she always wanted to try" would be better as "she'd". (A hint: if a character would say "I've always wanted to try that," it should be in the pluperfect tense in a past-tense story.) Grammar aside, that's another good line, though.

The ending is cute and funny in a low-key way. I do feel like the last sentence could be paced a bit better, though. Something like "She hooked her arms under Janey and slowly removed her from the chair, then dragged her back to Ms Hoover's Classroom." Or maybe even split up into two, I don't know.

All in all, a cute slice-of-life story. My only problem with it is that some of the writing is... not bad, but a bit lacklustre. That's easily fixed, though, and also bear in mind that that's just my personal taste. Also, like I said, I felt like Allison was a little bit out of character, but again, other people's interpretation may vary.

On the upside, the concept is great (Allison would totally tutor other kids), characterisation is very nice aside from that one complaint, and the jokes are some of the funniest I've seen in any of your fics to date. Recommended reading.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby c_nordlander » Fri Dec 30, 2016 8:35 pm

Opinions on "Let Sleeping Twins Lie":

Nice opening. "Eyes only quarter open" is a great image. (I'd put a hyphen in "quarter open", but it's up to you.)

In fact, the whole opening is well-written and sets a very believable scene.

"granted they both had a laugh about it but he wasn't sure she said that entirely in jest." I'd put a comma after "it". The line itself is very funny, though.

"channel OCHO" should have a capital C.

Typo: "to much"

"He never even noticed how drab the apartment looked before now" should be "he'd never" since it's referring to a previous period in time.

The whole description of Bart's worry is good.

"Bart wasted no time tiptoeing over to her, in spite of the noisy floorboards he didn't wake her, thank goodness." I'd split this into two sentences, with a full stop after "over to her".

"Sure, that was exactly the kind of thing he'd do but never to her." Again, feels like it would be better with a comma after "do". Love this line.

"Since he still hadn't felt like he had done enough" And this, contrary to my usual nitpicking, would be better as "still didn't feel" (in just usual past tense), since it's in the same timeframe as the story.

The bit about "settling into her usual curl" is absolutely adorable.

Well, except for one or two sentences that I'd punctuate differently, I love darn near everything about this story. The writing is perfect to the plot, everyone is in character, and we get a great deal of a sense of what Bart's and Terri's relationship is like. Lots of little tidbits, like Bart wanting to see his friends again, or how barely-presentable their apartment is.

Spoiler


Very good fic: tense, sweet, and quite romantic in a realistic way. Probably one of your best yet.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby Nidotamer » Fri Nov 02, 2018 6:41 pm

Well, there's almost no chance of me being able to contribute for creativity this week. Iiiiin fact I might not have internet til friday after today. Outside of the credit-sapping one on phone.

So blah, have this thing. Didn't want to pollute the thread with my stuff though so it's here.
Attachments
presents.odt
(25.05 KiB) Downloaded 18 times
[21:32] <Chris> The red Snifit!
[21:32] <Chris> My life is now complete.
[21:32] <Chris> MAY: *kills him*
----
"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby c_nordlander » Sat Nov 03, 2018 8:40 pm

I like the giddy tone in the narration, very twins. A good example of how to get personality across through narration. And them being unable to surprise each other with the gifts feels like a realistic predicament.

"we knew what we got each other before the day even came." This would be better with "what we'd got each other" etc.

"and mostly terrifying (no pun intended)". Made me laugh!

"it went further downhill", again would be better in past perfect (i.e. "it had gone further downhill") since it's talking about something that has happened before the "present" of the story.

Lots of funny little lines here, I'm not going to mention them all.

"especially when they started yelling at us" I think would be better if you changed "they" to "the guests at that table" or something like that. Sure, we realise that's whom you're referring to, but a pronoun like that sounds a bit odd without the person/thing having been specified.

Punctuation: “Ohoho, oh my god that never gets old!” Sherri cackled “but anyway," needs a comma after "cackled"

It definitely wasn’t as nicely wrapped as hers. Then again, almost everything about Sherri seemed like a more perfect me. Always better dressed and even in pretty great shape.
This is well-written, and gave me the feels. (And the end of the paragraph is funny.)

"I already started unwrapping": again, would be better with "had started"

The bit about Lisa's twelfth birthday party made me giggle as well. Feels realistic.

Grammar issue: "finger pressed on her lower lip, which got a bit of lipstick on it" is a bit clumsy, since "which" refers to the lower lip, not the finger.

Typo: "neither of us remember" should be "remembered".

The last page is pretty much great. Full of funny lines, and with a cute ending.

Good story: short and low-key, but with good comedy and some surprisingly emotional moments without getting angsty. You really are good at writing the twins: they sound like they do on the show, but realistically aged-up. I really didn't have any problems with this other than the few grammar/spelling ones I mentioned. An enjoyable little read.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby Nidotamer » Sat Nov 03, 2018 8:57 pm

Aww, you can mention them all if you want. :3

I mean heck, makes me happy plus I'm in a mostly good mood!

You know, I actually did keep forgetting whether the comma before more dialogue should be there or not. Thanks for the refresher there!
[21:32] <Chris> The red Snifit!
[21:32] <Chris> My life is now complete.
[21:32] <Chris> MAY: *kills him*
----
"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby c_nordlander » Sun Nov 04, 2018 9:26 am

Glad I could help!
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"

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