The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Did you write something for the Simpsons, Futurama, original fiction or another fandom? Feel free to post it here!
User avatar
Nidotamer
Senior Technical Supervisor
Senior Technical Supervisor
Posts: 890
Joined: Thu Dec 15, 2011 10:12 am
Custom Title: ...

Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby Nidotamer » Fri Dec 18, 2015 9:34 pm

Well, three new things! Okay think these need a bit of context. So basically all of these came from an RP blog I've been doing for the twins. Lots of writing practice and stuff!

First one was kind of a backstory thing, based off a line I'd only just been told about in The Simpsons Hit n' Run. There's kind of a stigma against first person so I don't usually do it but this was meant to be like recounting a memory.

Spoiler


Second was a drabble based on "A Test Before Trying" near the end when Bart takes an exam and flukes his way to success. It was a 'write this scene from your character's perspective' prompt.

Spoiler


And last was a Mistletoe based prompt... With Terri and Bart.
Spoiler


Most of these were speedwritings of sorts. Still, hope they're not terrible.
[21:32] <Chris> The red Snifit!
[21:32] <Chris> My life is now complete.
[21:32] <Chris> MAY: *kills him*
----
"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
User avatar
SirMustapha
Junior Secretariat
Junior Secretariat
Posts: 3926
Joined: Sun Aug 12, 2001 8:20 pm
Location: South of South America
Contact:

Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby SirMustapha » Sat Dec 19, 2015 3:12 pm

That was excellent feedback, Chris! I'm not surprised with the problems you found, since those stories were written in a very spur-of-the-moment fashion. If I can find the opportunity to revise them, I'll do it. Thanks!
"Inside the museums, Infinity goes up on trial
Voices echo this is what salvation must be like after a while
But Mona Lisa musta had the highway blues
You can tell by the way she smiles"

-- Bob Dylan, "Visions of Johanna"
c_nordlander
Insane Underling
Insane Underling
Posts: 11489
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
Custom Title: Running after something that I'll never kill
Location: Redacted, Redacticaster

Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby c_nordlander » Thu Dec 24, 2015 5:13 pm

Comments on May's first prompt story:

I'm not going to say much about it, lest I spoil it for other people. But the concept is great, and it's a well-written scene. I particularly like the
Spoiler
and the last sentence is very sweet.

Also a bit creepy, since it's actually quite similar to an event in something I'm writing right now.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
User avatar
Nidotamer
Senior Technical Supervisor
Senior Technical Supervisor
Posts: 890
Joined: Thu Dec 15, 2011 10:12 am
Custom Title: ...

Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby Nidotamer » Thu Dec 24, 2015 5:46 pm

Aha, sorry for the creepiness!

Spoiler
[21:32] <Chris> The red Snifit!
[21:32] <Chris> My life is now complete.
[21:32] <Chris> MAY: *kills him*
----
"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
c_nordlander
Insane Underling
Insane Underling
Posts: 11489
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
Custom Title: Running after something that I'll never kill
Location: Redacted, Redacticaster

Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby c_nordlander » Sat Dec 26, 2015 7:55 pm

Comments on the three prompt stories up at the top of this page:

Lumpy the Snake: I don't think there's a stigma against first person on this forum (though some people might like it more or less). Good story, pretty disturbing despite the lack of gruesomeness, which is appropriate. I really like Sherri's voice in this, and the ending is good. A nitpick: it needs a comma after "business as usual".

Test story: "He's done" should be "he'd". Good story; I like the bit about them suffering anxiety from being apart. Some of the writing feels a bit dull, but most of it is good. I particularly like the bit about the wrecking-ball. The way the mood changes in the end is well done.

Mistletoe: feels in character. I could see this happening on the show.

So yeah, keep writing, you've definitely got it.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
User avatar
Nidotamer
Senior Technical Supervisor
Senior Technical Supervisor
Posts: 890
Joined: Thu Dec 15, 2011 10:12 am
Custom Title: ...

Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby Nidotamer » Mon Apr 04, 2016 9:25 pm

Geez it's been that long since the last post?

Anyway, more pointless fluffy stuffs. Need to get back into the groove or whatever. Not sure about the last bit, where was a paragraph or so cut because I felt it reduced the last line a lot. Well hopefully it's still alright!

EDIT: Updated as per Fernie's suggestions. :3
Attachments
ride home.odt
(24.13 KiB) Downloaded 209 times
Last edited by Nidotamer on Fri Apr 08, 2016 9:33 pm, edited 2 times in total.
[21:32] <Chris> The red Snifit!
[21:32] <Chris> My life is now complete.
[21:32] <Chris> MAY: *kills him*
----
"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
User avatar
SirMustapha
Junior Secretariat
Junior Secretariat
Posts: 3926
Joined: Sun Aug 12, 2001 8:20 pm
Location: South of South America
Contact:

Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby SirMustapha » Tue Apr 05, 2016 1:27 am

Oh, hey! Always nice to see some more Maywriting around here.

I really like the simplicity of the scenario and the way you handled me. One thing I noticed is that some of the moments in the prose, like Bart sitting down on the bus being "one of the best feelings he had ever experienced" are very appropriate for him, like he tends to exaggerate everything beyond reason. Of course, it's not like kids are very good at measuring things against each other, but he just seems very prone to doing that. Oh, and saying he'd need a wheelchair to move around, too.

I think you could improve your prose a little more by dropping the world "practically". For example, "feel the possibilities crawling in his mind" is a great metaphor on its own, so it doesn't need extra adjectives. I guess you should trust your own metaphors a little more? Especially with the more sensory ones. Those are very good.

Just a few nitpicks: (please remember my less-than-excellent skills with the language, so don't expect an exhaustive or completely correct list)

Yet this time, they couldn't have been happier to leave.


On first reading, I thought this was giving the opposite meaning you had intended, but then I figured out later that the kids were leaving from the factory, not leaving school to visit it. It's just a wee bit confusing.

Whatever they were talking in it certainly wasn't english


I'm pretty sure "English" should be capitalised (at least my auto-correct always picks that one up).

As the sky dulled, as did the twins' activities.


That would be "so did the twins' activities", I presume?

Overall, it's really nice and enjoyable.
"Inside the museums, Infinity goes up on trial
Voices echo this is what salvation must be like after a while
But Mona Lisa musta had the highway blues
You can tell by the way she smiles"

-- Bob Dylan, "Visions of Johanna"
User avatar
Nidotamer
Senior Technical Supervisor
Senior Technical Supervisor
Posts: 890
Joined: Thu Dec 15, 2011 10:12 am
Custom Title: ...

Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby Nidotamer » Tue Apr 05, 2016 9:34 am

Well I did a quick edit based on that, just where the original was, thanks!
[21:32] <Chris> The red Snifit!
[21:32] <Chris> My life is now complete.
[21:32] <Chris> MAY: *kills him*
----
"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
c_nordlander
Insane Underling
Insane Underling
Posts: 11489
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
Custom Title: Running after something that I'll never kill
Location: Redacted, Redacticaster

Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby c_nordlander » Fri Apr 08, 2016 7:55 pm

I beta-read part of this earlier, and it's still very good. The writing style is nice and feels pretty Bartesque (as the French say). The bit about the box factory is still great; I'm glad you kept that joke. I like the descriptive details here, like the orange lighting in the bus, or one of the twins waving at Bart while he's terrified.

Grammar nitpick: "another girl that looked just like her" should be "who".

You do a good job catching the ambience of a tired journey home after a day out, and it's also pretty darn funny. The bit about Nelson made me laugh out loud. (I personally think it would be funnier without the last sentence about Nelson having done it before, but that's your decision.) Bart's various suspicions about the twins' plans all make sense.

Well it could have been Sherri, who knows?
"who knew?" would be better here.

The ending is great.

Well, not much negative criticism here except for grammar stuff, and not even much of that. The only more writing-related nitpick I can think of is that in the second and third paragraphs from the start, you repeat that the journey's going to take three hours (first mentioning that nobody wants the springs stabbing them for three hours straight, then Bart not wanting to stand up straight for three hours). A really miniscule nitpick, but some people might find it a bit repetitive. Then again, it is minor.

So yeah, very good story. Definitely my favourite of your short fics so far.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
User avatar
Nidotamer
Senior Technical Supervisor
Senior Technical Supervisor
Posts: 890
Joined: Thu Dec 15, 2011 10:12 am
Custom Title: ...

Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby Nidotamer » Fri Apr 08, 2016 9:34 pm

Ah, good eye. Updated now!
[21:32] <Chris> The red Snifit!
[21:32] <Chris> My life is now complete.
[21:32] <Chris> MAY: *kills him*
----
"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
User avatar
Nidotamer
Senior Technical Supervisor
Senior Technical Supervisor
Posts: 890
Joined: Thu Dec 15, 2011 10:12 am
Custom Title: ...

Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby Nidotamer » Sat Apr 16, 2016 5:58 pm

And a 100 word thingie!

Spoiler
[21:32] <Chris> The red Snifit!
[21:32] <Chris> My life is now complete.
[21:32] <Chris> MAY: *kills him*
----
"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
c_nordlander
Insane Underling
Insane Underling
Posts: 11489
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
Custom Title: Running after something that I'll never kill
Location: Redacted, Redacticaster

Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby c_nordlander » Sat Apr 16, 2016 8:27 pm

That's really good! The only thing I think could be improved is that you have "at least" twice in short succession, which gets a bit repetitive. And I realise that's not as easy to fix in story with a set word limit. But you create a lot of tension and atmosphere in such a short scene, and I admire people who can do that.

Spoiler
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
User avatar
missy_misery
Sector Control Officer
Sector Control Officer
Posts: 2243
Joined: Sun Sep 17, 2006 1:04 am

Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby missy_misery » Sun May 01, 2016 12:50 am

Allison is a fave of mine, and this does her justice! Nice work.
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
User avatar
Nidotamer
Senior Technical Supervisor
Senior Technical Supervisor
Posts: 890
Joined: Thu Dec 15, 2011 10:12 am
Custom Title: ...

Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby Nidotamer » Fri Aug 05, 2016 10:34 pm

So don't think I ever shared this. If I did, slap me, repeatedly.

"Prompt: Imagine your OTP as vampires. They regularly have contests to see who can drink the most blood in one night. "

Spoiler


It's kinda old-ish so not sure if there's anything of value learning and critwise but... it's something isn't it? :P
[21:32] <Chris> The red Snifit!
[21:32] <Chris> My life is now complete.
[21:32] <Chris> MAY: *kills him*
----
"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
User avatar
Nidotamer
Senior Technical Supervisor
Senior Technical Supervisor
Posts: 890
Joined: Thu Dec 15, 2011 10:12 am
Custom Title: ...

Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Postby Nidotamer » Mon Aug 08, 2016 6:26 pm

And an actual new thing! Not sure when this takes place given the show's anti-continuity but I guess this could be an origin of sorts for Terri having a crush on Bart. I dunno, I'm just rusty as heck and wanted to bash out some sort of fluff to try and get a feel for writing again. Just keep the rust in mind.
Attachments
muffins.odt
(24.09 KiB) Downloaded 63 times
[21:32] <Chris> The red Snifit!
[21:32] <Chris> My life is now complete.
[21:32] <Chris> MAY: *kills him*
----
"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash

Return to “Writing”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest