The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Did you write something for the Simpsons, Futurama, original fiction or another fandom? Feel free to post it here!
c_nordlander
Insane Underling
Insane Underling
Posts: 11489
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
Custom Title: Running after something that I'll never kill
Location: Redacted, Redacticaster

Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by c_nordlander » Mon Aug 08, 2016 9:47 pm

Comments on the vampire story (I'll read the other one when I have time):

I'm glad you posted this, because I enjoyed reading it. It starts out pretty unsettling, and then takes a sharp turn for "funny" once the other kids show up. I guess I can't give you full credit for the plot, since it was based on a prompt, but it's a pretty good plot, and I enjoyed the kids' interactions and the hints of a larger vampire society.

The writing style is a bit lacklustre in places, but I realise it was written a while back, and you've probably got better since then. For example, the bit where
Spoiler
feels very quick and isn't very memorably written. Granted, a lot of detail about that sort of thing wouldn't be pleasant either, but it comes off as a bit perfunctory. Things like "a predatory glint in her eye" are a bit clichéd. Also, Bart falling is a good joke, but "in a pile of trash that was laying around" is a bit unnecessarily wordy (you could just end the sentence after "in a pile of trash"). These are just small problems, though.

A couple of technical issues: "thirty three" needs a hyphen; "He scaled his was down one of the walls" seems to be a typo.
“Unless you had ten, I doubt it.” Bart shot back
The dialogue should end with a comma, since it's followed by a dialogue tag.

But yeah, those few nitpicks aside, a good and pretty funny story.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
c_nordlander
Insane Underling
Insane Underling
Posts: 11489
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
Custom Title: Running after something that I'll never kill
Location: Redacted, Redacticaster

Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by c_nordlander » Mon Aug 15, 2016 8:42 pm

Comments on "Muffins":

Grammar/spelling nitpicks: "Just his luck that he run by" should be "he'd"; "After realizing what he said" should again be "he'd"; "tearing some cardboard in the process and opened it up" needs a comma after "process"; there seems to be a missing blank line after the line where Terri says "he went that way"
“Excellent. You're mine, Simpson.” he muttered darkly
That should be a comma, not a full stop. Good line, though. Very "The Boy Who Knew Too Much".

Okay, apart from those nitpicks, this is really well-written. Some wonky grammar, like "should have saw" and "off of", but that's fine since that's what Bart's inner voice would sound like. I definitely think this is one of your best-written stories so far in terms of style. So much for you being rusty.

The plot is very simple, but feels like a plausible and subtle set-up to your Bart/Terri 'ship. Everyone is in character, with especially Terri and Bart standing out, and you have some very funny jokes ("and suddenly it was funny" is a great line). Pretty sweet ending, too.

No real nitpicks about this one, except the technical stuff up above. Recommended.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
User avatar
Nidotamer
Advisory Technical Manager
Advisory Technical Manager
Posts: 929
Joined: Thu Dec 15, 2011 10:12 am
Custom Title: That rabbit's dynamite!

Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by Nidotamer » Sun Oct 16, 2016 7:08 pm

I kinda wanna try doing full scripts but still not confident with plotting. So have this thing for now I guess.
Attachments
darkandstormynight.rtf
(20.76 KiB) Downloaded 59 times
Image
------
"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
User avatar
Nidotamer
Advisory Technical Manager
Advisory Technical Manager
Posts: 929
Joined: Thu Dec 15, 2011 10:12 am
Custom Title: That rabbit's dynamite!

Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by Nidotamer » Mon Oct 17, 2016 10:36 am

And another one.
Attachments
themagicact.rtf
(10.22 KiB) Downloaded 58 times
Image
------
"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
User avatar
Nidotamer
Advisory Technical Manager
Advisory Technical Manager
Posts: 929
Joined: Thu Dec 15, 2011 10:12 am
Custom Title: That rabbit's dynamite!

Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by Nidotamer » Tue Oct 18, 2016 7:49 am

And a palette cleanser of sorts... legitimately couldn't come up with a better Pokemon parody name so if anyone's got one I can edit it in.
Spoiler
Attachments
strategist.odt
(21.68 KiB) Downloaded 55 times
Image
------
"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
c_nordlander
Insane Underling
Insane Underling
Posts: 11489
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
Custom Title: Running after something that I'll never kill
Location: Redacted, Redacticaster

Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by c_nordlander » Fri Oct 21, 2016 11:34 pm

Comments on "Dark and Stormy Night":

Good opening. The title is clever, too, once I got it. I like the fact that it calls back to Terri's phobia in "The Slumber Party".

Pretty good writing. I feel like you've got a very good narrative voice here; after a few paragraphs, I could almost hear Sherri telling me the story. There are some very good jokes, such as "feeling my heart and a few other organs in my throat", or the bit with her clothes. It also feels very descriptive without actually spending that many words on descriptions, which is pretty impressive.
‭“‬But‭… ‬it's not okay.‭” ‬She muttered.
That should be a comma instead of a full stop at the end of the dialogue, and "she" shouldn't be capitalised, since it's a dialogue tag.

The ending is very sweet. Probably one of the top five cutest moments in any fanfic I've read on this site.

So yeah, good story all around: well-written, cute, with some good jokes and nice details (Sherri's thinking-window, the creepy bunny doll). The only thing I had a little bit of trouble with was that I felt we needed just a bit more detail about why
Spoiler
But that's a very minor problem. Other than that and the punctuation problem I caught, this is a good short story.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
User avatar
Nidotamer
Advisory Technical Manager
Advisory Technical Manager
Posts: 929
Joined: Thu Dec 15, 2011 10:12 am
Custom Title: That rabbit's dynamite!

Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by Nidotamer » Sat Oct 22, 2016 11:15 am

Whee, a review! And hooray for top five! I hate to find how teeth-meltingly sweet the others are now. :P

As for
Spoiler
Actually, I'm glad the narration worked so well! Kinda ties into something I was thinking of with writing styles which was, even in third person having some element of the main character's voice in there. Not switching to third person but rather having a sort of "opinionated" narration to fit the character. Like something that might be described as horrible or gross from one character's perspective might be made out to be more awesome from another's even though it's describing the exact same thing. Mostly since it seems characters are my strong suit (they ARE the things I get most invested in after all) so maybe it'd help if I let that bleed into other forms of writing too.

Always a pleasure to hear your thoughts. :3
Image
------
"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
c_nordlander
Insane Underling
Insane Underling
Posts: 11489
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
Custom Title: Running after something that I'll never kill
Location: Redacted, Redacticaster

Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by c_nordlander » Sat Oct 22, 2016 11:17 am

Nidotamer wrote:Kinda ties into something I was thinking of with writing styles which was, even in third person having some element of the main character's voice in there.
Definitely agree. All good writers do that, in my opinion.

I'll review your other stories when I have the time.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
User avatar
Nidotamer
Advisory Technical Manager
Advisory Technical Manager
Posts: 929
Joined: Thu Dec 15, 2011 10:12 am
Custom Title: That rabbit's dynamite!

Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by Nidotamer » Sat Oct 22, 2016 11:37 am

Okily Dokily. I dunno why I'm even writing so much lately since I feel like... twice as hopeless and miserable and frustrated as last week?

... Guess I'm just too dumb to quit.:P
Image
------
"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
User avatar
SirMustapha
Junior Secretariat
Junior Secretariat
Posts: 3956
Joined: Sun Aug 12, 2001 8:20 pm
Location: South of South America
Contact:

Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by SirMustapha » Sun Oct 23, 2016 7:12 pm

Nidotamer wrote:... Guess I'm just too dumb to quit.:P
That's what being an artist is all about, if you ask me!

I promised to write some "proper" reviews here, so here's my stab at them.

Dark and Stormy Night is, for me, one of the best pieces you've done so far. The first-person narration is quite impressively done, the conversational bits don't feel distracting and add a lot to the narration, and it slips in lots of little jokes and tangential commentary that gives the characterisation a lot of depth (I like the part when she compares herself to other siblings, and when she talks about the house's architecture). The story itself is as simple as it can get, but the tone of the narration is what really makes it work. It's an extremely sweet tale, with lots of cute little details, but they don't feel gratuitous. There's a truth and a honesty to the narration that really puts me in Sherri's shoes and makes the story work.
One nitpick I noticed only now is that, for a few lines, it switches to the present tense. I actually don't think that's much of a "mistake" considering the style of the narration, that is, it could be a "mistake" on Sherri's part instead of the writer, but you still have to keep an eye on that. And I know I do make this mistake quite often too, and only catch it after multiple revisions.

The Magic Act is a story that I should I have objections against, but surprisingly, I think it works as a piece of dark comedy. It has the right rhythm and a very good closing line for that. If anything, I would have picked a secondary character as a "victim" instead of Lisa, but because of me being a fanboy (... well... partially because of that, yes), but because the show was never too shy about being violent to its secondary characters. With Lisa, it feels quite jarring. Except if this were imagined as a scene from a Treehouse of Horror, of course, in which case everything is valid!

The Strategist is worth it just for having Martin take the spotlight, and yes, it's quite easy to see you enjoyed writing him. I find this nice when you can see this joy showing through the text. I think this story would work pretty well as a comic, in fact, since it does have a very visual element.
One thing I would change is some of the word choices in a few moments. For example, when you say Jimbo "predictably" joined his compatriots; I feel this kind of humour needs a certain bluntness and snappiness, and you can achieve that in a written form by cutting words like that. It's the same situation as when Bart fell into a "convenient" pile of trash back in the vampire story: it's better to let the reader fill in those descriptions in their mind.
"And I love you so much, I can't wake up without loving."
-- Pescado Rabioso, "Cantata de Puentes Amarillos"
c_nordlander
Insane Underling
Insane Underling
Posts: 11489
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
Custom Title: Running after something that I'll never kill
Location: Redacted, Redacticaster

Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by c_nordlander » Sun Oct 23, 2016 8:21 pm

Comments on "The Magic Act":

Grammar: "their in a box" should be "they're"

I enjoyed this one!
Spoiler
The writing is good; nothing that really stands out in terms of descriptiveness, but I like "quite bedazzled", and there's a nice sense of mounting tension. Just one thing: "getting one last spot check done" feels a bit wordy. Just "doing one last spot check" would work just as well.

The final line is great.

So yeah, just a short shaggy dog story, but I liked it.

Will be back to review your third one when I have the time.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
User avatar
Nidotamer
Advisory Technical Manager
Advisory Technical Manager
Posts: 929
Joined: Thu Dec 15, 2011 10:12 am
Custom Title: That rabbit's dynamite!

Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by Nidotamer » Sun Oct 23, 2016 8:38 pm

All good points! Funny enough I thought I caught myself enough times on the tense changes, may have to comb through again. Guess that's the tricky part about writing first person, especially when the character starts 'talking' to the reader in a way... still yay reviews! And I'm not actually done writing yet. I'll try and find some time to comb over two of those in the meantime.

I think the Magic Act might work as a script format, especially if I end up extending it. Was thinking of handling an aftermath that
Spoiler
in which case I might refit that one to a script format...
Image
------
"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
User avatar
Nidotamer
Advisory Technical Manager
Advisory Technical Manager
Posts: 929
Joined: Thu Dec 15, 2011 10:12 am
Custom Title: That rabbit's dynamite!

Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by Nidotamer » Mon Oct 24, 2016 11:26 am

Me: I'll take prompts, send me one of these and a character or few and I'll write a short fic about it.
Someone: *sends one in*
Me: *writes near-five page monstrosity*

So yeah, this one's based off a prompt. I didn't really use the phrase exactly but I hopefully didn't miss the point. Actually I likely did. Anyway, have this horrible mess.

(maybe I should share a prompt thing here, see if you guys can find something interesting, more likely to shoved out of comfort zones anyway!)
Attachments
Prompts1.rtf
(52.92 KiB) Downloaded 49 times
Image
------
"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
c_nordlander
Insane Underling
Insane Underling
Posts: 11489
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
Custom Title: Running after something that I'll never kill
Location: Redacted, Redacticaster

Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by c_nordlander » Tue Oct 25, 2016 9:17 am

A writing prompt thing sounds excellent. If you're going to make one, please make a new thread for it, though, so it doesn't get lost here.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
User avatar
Nidotamer
Advisory Technical Manager
Advisory Technical Manager
Posts: 929
Joined: Thu Dec 15, 2011 10:12 am
Custom Title: That rabbit's dynamite!

Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by Nidotamer » Tue Oct 25, 2016 9:40 am

hm, seems a little vain to have two threads! unless you mean like a thread where prompts and such are listed and people other than myself could volunteer to have one sent in (or just pic a combination they like the sound of?)
Image
------
"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
Post Reply