The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Did you write something for the Simpsons, Futurama, original fiction or another fandom? Feel free to post it here!
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by c_nordlander » Sat Dec 28, 2019 11:25 pm

You've already seen my review at deviantArt, but for the benefit of everyone else, this is very good. Cute and a bit romantic without being saccharine, and the plot is simple, but not without surprises.

The comedy is probably its strongest point. I got a good laugh out of a few lines, particularly "Lacing their packed lunches with something to make them sick, gathering and destroying anything even vaguely resembling mistletoe, dressing Milhouse up like himself."

EDIT: Ouch, page topper. Referring back to the fic at the bottom of the previous page.
The Literal Challenge:
Day 0: Re: Birthday || Day 8: Across the Dimensions
Day 1: The Contents of the Shoes || Day 9: The Rest of Me
Day 2: Room to Let || Day 10: The Maiden of the Shadows
Day 3: Flashbacks || Day 11: The Slavemakers: The Polyergus Rufescens Ants and Their Prisoners
Day 4: Crystallised Tsuki
Day 5: The Bloodstar
Day 6: Captain Dirk, Defender of the Galaxy
Day 7: The Kingdom of the Butterflies
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by Nidotamer » Fri Apr 17, 2020 3:12 am

I realize I don't even have a real title for this... I'm no good with names. But hey I actually got around to this!
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---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by c_nordlander » Sat Apr 18, 2020 9:08 pm

I remember enjoying what I've read of this fic. Looking forward to finding out how it ends!

Sorry to start off with a technical nitpick, but dialogue tags should not be capitalised (unless they begin with a proper name, obviously). “'C’mon, keep up!' a man called," not "'C’mon, keep up!' A man called". There are a couple of cases of this.

A lot of this is probably things I've already said in chat. The description of the carnival decorations is great. I like the subtle hint that this takes place before the main time-frame of the show (the twins don't recognise Bart or Homer). The description of the Van Houtens and Kirk's pathetic failure are funny.

It's "carny," not "carney." (I hard to check.)

Kind of weird that you use Kirk's name in the narration, given that the viewpoint character doesn't know it. His dialogue is perfectly in character, though.

Yeah, getting separated from your parent at a fun fair... never a fun experience. You catch that sense of mounting dread well, and without being verbose.

"Suddenly, everything felt so much bigger, bearing down on the twins with their soulless stares." It's a really good description, but "their" seems weird, given that the subject ("everything") is singular. Just a minor nitpick.

Typo: "a out-of-the-way"

"Even the sight of the blue-haired man’s ring rebounding off the stall pillars and knocking him out wasn’t enough to alleviate the situation." *LOL*

Lots of good writing and funny lines here. "We’re gonna get kidnapped and they’ll sell us as slaves and we can’t work yet!" is just perfect.

Another great line: "sounded like random gibberish and not the normal nonsensical gobbledegook that she could translate."

Both the drama and comedy are handled well here, with really good writing. Probably already said this in chat, but I love the paragraph about them searching for responsible-looking adults.

"He turned and quickly his beady eyes went as wide as they could, it was the same man from the ring-toss, sporting some fresh new lumps." Would be better if you split it into two sentences after "they could." Not a bad line otherwise. His reaction to them is hilarious.

"he would probably have been outmatched" would be better than "he would have probably been outmatched."

Love the description of Mel getting dunked.

"Fortunately for the twins he forgot to leave one of his hands free leaving them with ample time to escape." Might want to put a comma after "free," though it's understandable without one.
“Noooo but we can play now!” Sherri flashed her tickets, “let’s go have some fun!”
"Let's" should be capitalised, since it's a new sentence. EDIT: Also, in line with this, you should have a full stop after "tickets."

"There was a ‘clunk’ and a few gasps but they were not the kind she was hoping for." I'd put a comma after "gasps."

"laid the ring toss' favourite victim" should be "lay" (and I think it should be "toss's"). This is kind of tricky, but "laid" is the past tense of "to lay" (a transitive verb, i.e. something you do to something else), while "lay" is the past tense of "to lie."

Heh heh, Kirk's misfortunes just never end in this story.

"barker" doesn't need to be capitalised.

The description of the rabbit is great.

"Once they double checked" should probably be "they'd," since it's something that happens before the main action of the sentence. (Also, I'd put a hyphen in "double-checked," but I don't know whether that's required.)

The Mathemagician! Points for possibly the least likely minor character to appear in a fanfic?

"In seconds he was nought but a regular man in a stupid outfit." I'm giggling like crazy here!

"She didn’t bother to wait for a reply or any sort of excuse or accusation he could pull out of the mathemagic dimension or whatever." Another great one.
Spoiler
"A hefty sum of tickets" sounds odd. "Amount" would be better.

"she and Sherri had a blast." Again, should be "had had," since it refers back to a previous point in time.

"She knew Sherri had her back, and vice versa, even being abandoned didn’t seem so bad anymore." I'd split this into two sentences after "vice versa."

"reigned in" should be "reined in" (I know it's an easy mistake to make, but it refers to a horse's reins).

Great ending.


So yeah, I may have had some nitpicks, but most were technical stuff, or just general things to make it flow better. The story is very good, with a great setting, and you do an excellent job on both comedy and more emotional moments (such as Sherri comforting Terri early on). Plenty of memorable lines and jokes.

Art of the creepy rabbit toy when? :D
Last edited by c_nordlander on Sun Apr 26, 2020 1:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.
The Literal Challenge:
Day 0: Re: Birthday || Day 8: Across the Dimensions
Day 1: The Contents of the Shoes || Day 9: The Rest of Me
Day 2: Room to Let || Day 10: The Maiden of the Shadows
Day 3: Flashbacks || Day 11: The Slavemakers: The Polyergus Rufescens Ants and Their Prisoners
Day 4: Crystallised Tsuki
Day 5: The Bloodstar
Day 6: Captain Dirk, Defender of the Galaxy
Day 7: The Kingdom of the Butterflies
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by Nidotamer » Sun Apr 19, 2020 2:29 am

Iirc the creepy rabbit toy appeared in an earlier thing too! I think re:Kirk being named, maybe I could add something about them overhearing his name. Like "...display of human failure named Kirk, according to maybe-sister"?
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by SirMustapha » Sun Apr 19, 2020 2:55 am

A trick you can use is to have another character (e.g. Louanne) talking to him and calling him by name, so his name becomes known to the twins and to us. That's a solution that happens in the story, and doesn't break the flow of the narrative.

Anyway, since Chris already pointed out the nitpicks, I'll just repeat what I said in chat: I really enjoyed this, You have several good lines and descriptions, and the scene with the Mathemagician was really good. I also liked the ending, and the overall structure of the story is well rounded. It feels satisfying at the end.
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by Nidotamer » Sun Apr 19, 2020 4:50 am

Also,
Spoiler
Made some little edits here and there, mostly just according to Chris' advice! This work well now?
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Carnival Oneshot (1).odt
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"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
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Re: The Nidotamer Shortfics Thread

Post by c_nordlander » Sun Apr 19, 2020 1:14 pm

Nidotamer wrote:
Sun Apr 19, 2020 2:29 am
Iirc the creepy rabbit toy appeared in an earlier thing too! I think re:Kirk being named, maybe I could add something about them overhearing his name. Like "...display of human failure named Kirk, according to maybe-sister"?
That works fine, IMO.

Alternatively, you don't have to name him at all. Just calling him "the blue-haired man" would be fine, since he only appears a couple of times anyway (and you don't even use his name most of those times).
The Literal Challenge:
Day 0: Re: Birthday || Day 8: Across the Dimensions
Day 1: The Contents of the Shoes || Day 9: The Rest of Me
Day 2: Room to Let || Day 10: The Maiden of the Shadows
Day 3: Flashbacks || Day 11: The Slavemakers: The Polyergus Rufescens Ants and Their Prisoners
Day 4: Crystallised Tsuki
Day 5: The Bloodstar
Day 6: Captain Dirk, Defender of the Galaxy
Day 7: The Kingdom of the Butterflies
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