FIC [Wavingverse] The Dive From Krustofski's Pier

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FIC [Wavingverse] The Dive From Krustofski's Pier

Post by missy_misery » Sun Mar 27, 2016 3:20 am

Well, it's time to open up a topic for my old (and long ago set aside) universe.

What this is: basically a series of fics set twenty years or so after the current season. All of the child characters have grown up and are experiencing life outside the nest, and Life is Going On. This includes a few elements of the various futureverses but doesn't adhere to any of them.

Here is the beginning - short but a starter - for Sofie Krustofski's story.

SUMMARY: Sofie has taken up life on the beach, but her calm islanded life is shaken up by her father's arrival.
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Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: FIC [Wavingverse] The Dive From Krustofski's Pier

Post by Nidotamer » Sun Mar 27, 2016 12:02 pm

Hey, new waving stuff! And a really good starter, I'm actually a little invested in a character I paid no real attention to before. And there is a fun sense of irony to her worrying about the dad she found by typing "pathetic clown" in a search engine. Since it's short, I can try and offer some nitpicks and comments... though it's probably best to wait for the expert opinion before acting on them. ;)
It means a little house and a bike shop on the beach, and the wind at her back.
Something about this feels a bit odd. Maybe it's perfectly correct and I'm a dummy but should it be "It means a little house, a bike shop on the beach and the wind at her back." or something like that? Like I said, no expert but just give that line a look-over and see if it still clicks to you.
That tended to involve walking around in a banana suit. As he father often said, self-promotion was not a pretty game.
Not a crit, I just really like this line. After all, I think it's only fair to highlight the really good stuff too!

"Limelite" should be "Limelight"... unless that's also a pun for shilling surface spray? http://img.tesco.com/Groceries/pi/251/5 ... 40x540.jpg :D
Then her father sent her an email announcing his visit and suddenly, weirdly, it all didn’t seem like enough to impress her great clown of a dad.
Again, not sure about this line. It might be 'suddenly' and 'weirdly' being right together.


Like I said, no expert and sorry if I seemed a bit harsh! It's still looking good so far, there's nothing majorly wrong with anything. Well, nothing at all wrong that can't just be touched up a tad!


Oh, little extra note, here's the first result on Google for "Pathetic clown" https://www.cs.umd.edu/~egolub/Pathetic ... Clown.html
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Re: FIC [Wavingverse] The Dive From Krustofski's Pier

Post by c_nordlander » Sun Mar 27, 2016 8:50 pm

Excellent, a new fic to read! And it's good.

I think the canon spelling of her name is "Sophie Krustofsky".

I don't think May's first correction (of the last sentence in the first paragraph) is necessary. (May and I have sorted this out, I just want to give my opinion here as well.) Not going to point out the typoes she already caught.

Some typoes: "then it did" should be "than"; "he father" should be "her".

"full-bodied suit" should be "full-body suit", unless it's an acceptable variant.

"Ocean city" needs to be capitalised.

"He may have" should be "might", since it's in the past tense.

"here job" should be "her".

Sorry, seems like all my nitpicks ended up in one place. The story itself is slight so far, but it's just the beginning, so that's okay, and I'm quite intrigued by the plot hinted at in the last few sentences. I've barely ever seen any fics about Sophie, so that's good, too. Her life is original, and quite different from the futures of the other kids in your Wavingverse. I like that.

It's well-written, though not in a flashy way. I've already told you how much I liked the opening paragraph when you posted it in the drabble thread. There are some very good jokes, such as the suits, and Mr. Teeny the Twentieth.

So yeah, apart from the typoes, I don't have any complaints. Original stuff about a little-used character, and sets up an interesting potential story. I'll be glad to read more.
The Literal Challenge:
Day 0: Re: Birthday || Day 8: Across the Dimensions
Day 1: The Contents of the Shoes || Day 9: The Rest of Me
Day 2: Room to Let || Day 10: The Maiden of the Shadows
Day 3: Flashbacks || Day 11: The Slavemakers: The Polyergus Rufescens Ants and Their Prisoners
Day 4: Crystallised Tsuki
Day 5: The Bloodstar
Day 6: Captain Dirk, Defender of the Galaxy
Day 7: The Kingdom of the Butterflies
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Re: FIC [Wavingverse] The Dive From Krustofski's Pier

Post by missy_misery » Mon Apr 04, 2016 2:19 am

Heck, for some reason I thought it was Sofie with an F; I should've googled first.

Thank you! Will likely improve, add much more to the file and then bump when done!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

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Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: FIC [Wavingverse] The Dive From Krustofski's Pier

Post by SirMustapha » Tue Apr 05, 2016 1:03 am

Took me a while to get around to this, but I really like this start! All the criticism has already been done (as if I could even hope to do better than Chris :) ), so I don't have much more to add. I hope I can get around more quickly to whatever else you add.
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Re: FIC [Wavingverse] The Dive From Krustofski's Pier

Post by missy_misery » Sun Apr 10, 2016 4:38 am

Aww, thank you!

IDK when I'll get back to it (I need to properly back up my Wavingverse stuff), but when I do I should post something expanded!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

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Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: FIC [Wavingverse] The Dive From Krustofski's Pier

Post by missy_misery » Mon May 30, 2016 2:12 am

More of a rewrite of the first chapter, but I have actual Direction and Purpose with this, to my relief.
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Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: FIC [Wavingverse] The Dive From Krustofski's Pier

Post by c_nordlander » Sat Jun 11, 2016 9:20 pm

Typo/grammar checks: the past tense of "drag" is "dragged", not "drug"; "chauffer" should be "chauffeur". Also, "Krustofsky" should only have one F.

I like this. It's been a while since I read the original chapter, but this feels more to the point, while having a lot more immediate detail: it spends less time outright telling us about Sophie's past, but we still get a good sensation for what her life has been like and what it's like now. Some of the physical details are great, such as the pier. The bit about "Uncle Fievel" is pretty hilarious. Krusty's appearance is very in character.

Some nitpicks:

"shoveled a pile of pale brown sand into a neat pile" is a bit repetitive.

"puffing a lock of green hair from her mouth" is a great image, but I think "away from" would be an improvement.

"as always painfully nervous about being with her father" feels a bit like telling instead of showing, especially since the rest of the scene shows how she's feeling.

Other than that, very good. I'm getting a bit tired of the "child ends up having a similar career to their parent" trope in fanfiction (I didn't remark on it while reading the first version of this chapter, because it didn't feel that prominent there), but I obviously don't want you to change that, since it's integral to your story. Anyway, it doesn't make the story worse for me in any way, I just think it's getting a bit old.

But it's well written, Sophie is good (and like I said before, I do like that she's ended up in a very different life from the other Springfield kids), and Krusty is perfectly in character. So keep it up, it's good and an improvement on the old version.
Last edited by c_nordlander on Mon Jun 13, 2016 2:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.
The Literal Challenge:
Day 0: Re: Birthday || Day 8: Across the Dimensions
Day 1: The Contents of the Shoes || Day 9: The Rest of Me
Day 2: Room to Let || Day 10: The Maiden of the Shadows
Day 3: Flashbacks || Day 11: The Slavemakers: The Polyergus Rufescens Ants and Their Prisoners
Day 4: Crystallised Tsuki
Day 5: The Bloodstar
Day 6: Captain Dirk, Defender of the Galaxy
Day 7: The Kingdom of the Butterflies
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Re: FIC [Wavingverse] The Dive From Krustofski's Pier

Post by missy_misery » Sun Jun 12, 2016 8:51 am

Thank you so much, Chris! I'm glad you thought it was an improvement!

If it helps
Spoiler
!

Will have more of it soon! :)
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

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Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: FIC [Wavingverse] The Dive From Krustofski's Pier

Post by c_nordlander » Sun Jun 12, 2016 9:45 am

True; she's obviously not in the exact same line of work as her dad, but it's similar, and this version seems to bring out that similarity more than the old one.

Again, I totally don't think this is a problem in your story (and it seems to be quite rare in your Wavingverse stories as a whole). It's not even that much in focus. Just saying that it's getting to be a bit of a well-worn storyline (especially in fanfiction, but in original fiction as well).

But yes, the old version was very good already, and this one is even better.
The Literal Challenge:
Day 0: Re: Birthday || Day 8: Across the Dimensions
Day 1: The Contents of the Shoes || Day 9: The Rest of Me
Day 2: Room to Let || Day 10: The Maiden of the Shadows
Day 3: Flashbacks || Day 11: The Slavemakers: The Polyergus Rufescens Ants and Their Prisoners
Day 4: Crystallised Tsuki
Day 5: The Bloodstar
Day 6: Captain Dirk, Defender of the Galaxy
Day 7: The Kingdom of the Butterflies
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Re: FIC [Wavingverse] The Dive From Krustofski's Pier

Post by missy_misery » Mon Jun 20, 2016 7:43 am

Oh, I understand :) And I know how you feel, seeing it over and over!

I should have more of this in a couple of weeks.
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: FIC [Wavingverse] The Dive From Krustofski's Pier

Post by missy_misery » Mon Jul 04, 2016 3:17 am

Next part!
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Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: FIC [Wavingverse] The Dive From Krustofski's Pier

Post by c_nordlander » Sat Jul 09, 2016 8:35 pm

The first scene is near-perfectly written, every word is just right. I have nothing to add. Krusty is perfectly in character, you have some funny lines.

Grammar nitpick: this sentence doesn't seem complete "When people asked Sophie why she’d taken over the pier, why she’d chose summer life over a much different path, or even considered something with more flexible or easy hours." (Also, "she'd chose" should be "chosen".)

"why she'd selected this pathway" feels a bit too bureaucratically written. I think "chosen" would be better (it's okay to use it twice in a paragraph!).

And those are really the only nitpicks I have. The rest of the chapter is really well written, every word falls perfectly where it should, with nice little moments: Krusty's praise for the cookies, Pepperidge farm, golem.

The ending of the chapter keeps my attention without feeling like a forced cliffhanger.

I'm looking forward to the next chapter. You have a really good writing and plot, and both Sophie and Krusty are great in this story.
The Literal Challenge:
Day 0: Re: Birthday || Day 8: Across the Dimensions
Day 1: The Contents of the Shoes || Day 9: The Rest of Me
Day 2: Room to Let || Day 10: The Maiden of the Shadows
Day 3: Flashbacks || Day 11: The Slavemakers: The Polyergus Rufescens Ants and Their Prisoners
Day 4: Crystallised Tsuki
Day 5: The Bloodstar
Day 6: Captain Dirk, Defender of the Galaxy
Day 7: The Kingdom of the Butterflies
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Re: FIC [Wavingverse] The Dive From Krustofski's Pier

Post by SirMustapha » Tue Jul 12, 2016 1:59 pm

I'm very interested in where this is going. I can't comment on whether this kind of story is overused or not, considering how little I read, but these characters have caught my attention. In general, that's how I gauge a story, so that's good. I enjoy the dialogue, its sense of humour and the to-the-point quality of it. I'm a fan of dialogue and I'd rather have too much than too little, but I like your sense of measure.

The narrative style kinda trips me up a little. The "Krusty was an…interesting figure, honestly" sentence is abruptly casual, compared to the straightforward style of the rest. It feels weird that a third-person omniscient narrator is suddenly hesitant to talk about their characters. But this can be an interesting choice, if you use it consistently, so I offer this more as food for thought than a suggestion to change. Like I said, the characters have caught me, so for me that means you're doing great.
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Re: FIC [Wavingverse] The Dive From Krustofski's Pier

Post by missy_misery » Wed Jul 13, 2016 3:49 am

Thanks so much, guys! I'll check those typos before I deliver more stuff!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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