OPINIONS: Twin of the Dead (WIP)

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OPINIONS: Twin of the Dead (WIP)

Post by Nidotamer » Sun Jul 09, 2017 11:25 am

Hey, May's writing again! Well, actually this is just a little work in progress... because it's probably more helpful to get feedback as I go along isn't it?

SUMMARY: Terri couldn't go on alone, she couldn't cope without her sister at her side. She'd do anything to have Sherri back...

Not even sure what genre this'd be. I guess the title says enough, coupled with my usual habit of making things sillier. Perfectly safe for now but it'll probably get worse...
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"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
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Re: OPINIONS: Twin of the Dead (WIP)

Post by gkscotty » Mon Jul 10, 2017 2:26 pm

Interesting story, fine work so far. Keep going.
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It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone’s fault. If it was Us, what did that make Me? After all, I’m one of Us. I must be. I’ve certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We’re always one of Us. It’s Them that do bad things. - Jingo, Terry Pratchett
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Re: OPINIONS: Twin of the Dead (WIP)

Post by c_nordlander » Sat Jul 22, 2017 10:33 pm

Comments:

Them going for a walk while their jump ropes are getting repaired is a nice touch.

The description of the funeral is very good.

Something I didn't point out when you linked the story in chat: it feels like it would be more poignant if Terri thinks that the other kids would have been calling Sherri names, rather than herself. Then again, people in tense and emotional situations aren't always logical.

Nice, funny lead-up to
Spoiler
I like the realism in that the grave is so hard to find.
No more stalling, the shovel made a ‘thunk’ as Terri put her weight onto the handle.
I think this would be better with a full stop after "stalling", but it's up to you. Slightly different sentences. The rest of the paragraph is pretty funny.
It was no wonder that she had a closed-casket funeral.
This should be "that she'd had," since it's at a point further back in time than the "current" time. Other than that, good sentence: it shows us that what's going on isn't pretty, without being explicitly nasty.
And yet, looking at her sister’s mangled carcass only gave her a feeling of determination
Is this an Undertale ref? If so, it's a darn funny one!

Good writing in the ceremony, and the scene with the gravedigger is funny. I don't think "Groundskeeper" is supposed to have a capital K, but that's not a big nitpick.
only to find out she lost her place.
Again, should be "she'd lost" etc.

I like "a heavy silence loomed over her". In fact, I like that entire description.

"It was only then that the finality of her sister’s demise truly hit her" feels a bit cliché. Up to you whether you want to change it, really.
Spoiler
The comedy in this story seems good to me. "The scientific method, poking with a stick." Hee!

I like the description of how
Spoiler
If anyone saw her on her way back home, they never thought it strange that she appeared to be merrily lugging a corpse around.
Feels like this could be better written, since Terri presumably doesn't know what these other people (if they exist) feel. Maybe something more like "they never remarked on the fact that she appeared" etc.
Obviously dad hadn’t noticed she left their little McMansion.
Again, should be "she had left" etc. Good paragraph otherwise.

Realistic problems about hiding Sherri for their dad. "The dummy-heads at school would buy that it was some third sibling or a prank for the internet": absolutely brilliant line.

The basement is a cool idea. However, this sentence feels a bit weird: "There wasn’t an awful lot in the house, most of the boilers and such were on the ground or first floors." Do you mean "there wasn't a lot in the basement"?

I haven't got time to read the rest, I'll return with more comments soon. However, this is very good so far: compelling storyline, mostly very good writing, and some excellent jokes. I know I said in chat that the premise reminds me of Pet Sematary, but I didn't mean "this is a ripoff, bleaugh". Rather, the idea of bringing back dead loved ones (even as zombies) is a very powerful concept that a lot of people have written about. You certainly shouldn't worry that it's unoriginal.

Again, I'm enjoying this a lot so far, will read and comment more when I have the time.

EDIT: I managed to make the review look ugly by screwing up the tags. All fixed now.
Last edited by c_nordlander on Sat Jul 22, 2017 11:26 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Are you really gonna take it like that?
Riding on the missile with a cowboy hat?

Oh, well the world is gonna end
So dance around the fire that we once believed in
Oh, wanna tear it down again, now
'Cause there's nothing left for us to bleed
Give it up, the sons of anarchy
So come around and have another round on me!

DANCE, F***ER, DANCE, LET THE MOTHERF***ER BURN!


-- The Offspring, "Slim Pickens Does the Right Thing and Rides the Bomb to Hell"
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Re: OPINIONS: Twin of the Dead (WIP)

Post by Nidotamer » Sat Jul 22, 2017 10:39 pm

So, mainly little bits and pieces?
Spoiler
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"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
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Re: OPINIONS: Twin of the Dead (WIP)

Post by c_nordlander » Sun Jul 23, 2017 6:51 pm

Continuing:
She slapped her Happy Little Elves alarm clock, even though it wasn’t even on and stumbled her way back to the basement door.
Good sentence, but needs a comma after "on".

The bit about how normal everything looks is a great touch. I don't think "so crushingly normal" is really necessary, but that's up to you.

"what happened that night" should be "what had happened that night". Again, very good sentence otherwise.

Her conversation with her dad is very good. Nice way of getting the basement room.

The ending of this section is great as well.

So, not much to add to my previous comments. I already enjoyed this, and the ending section has some of your best writing: clear, unpretentious, but at the same time paints a very good picture. And like I said before, I really like the plot. It's powerful, despite having a good bit of comedy, and has a lot of nice little touches.

You've got a good story going here. I'll be happy to see more of it.
Are you really gonna take it like that?
Riding on the missile with a cowboy hat?

Oh, well the world is gonna end
So dance around the fire that we once believed in
Oh, wanna tear it down again, now
'Cause there's nothing left for us to bleed
Give it up, the sons of anarchy
So come around and have another round on me!

DANCE, F***ER, DANCE, LET THE MOTHERF***ER BURN!


-- The Offspring, "Slim Pickens Does the Right Thing and Rides the Bomb to Hell"
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Re: OPINIONS: Twin of the Dead (WIP)

Post by Nidotamer » Tue Aug 15, 2017 1:16 pm

Well I added more and hit a point where I'm not sure if I'm doing any good so I guess this is an update! Did go back and fix a few things, I was offline during most of it and don't think I remembered everything that needed correcting. Ah well...
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"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
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Re: OPINIONS: Twin of the Dead (WIP)

Post by c_nordlander » Fri Aug 18, 2017 7:20 pm

Continuing from where the new bit started:

Nice unnerving description of Sherri. Nothing actually threatening, just the sinister nature of those small changes -- you bring it out very well.
As trite as it sounded, Sherri did die,
I'd change it to "had died". Funny line otherwise. In fact, the whole bit about amnesia is good.

"Terri would have been annoyed but an amnesiac Sherri was better than no Sherri." Needs a comma after "annoyed". Lovely line otherwise, feels very realistic.

"speil" should be "spiel". (Also, I've rarely seen it in plural, but it seems to work well here.)

"Terri tried to give her sister a reassuring pat on the head, she stopped when it started to shake some hairs loose." I'd split this into two sentences, with a full stop after "head". The rest of the paragraph is good.

The bit about Sherri's weird cry is great as well. If I have a nitpick, it's that "but it made her feel uneasy" feels a bit unnecessary (everything else about the description has done a great job showing that eeriness, we can guess how Terri feels). Your choice, though.

"she could have swore" should be "sworn" (unless it's Terri's internal voice having wonky grammar). ("Swore" is imperfect, "sworn" is perfect tense.)

To be continued...
Are you really gonna take it like that?
Riding on the missile with a cowboy hat?

Oh, well the world is gonna end
So dance around the fire that we once believed in
Oh, wanna tear it down again, now
'Cause there's nothing left for us to bleed
Give it up, the sons of anarchy
So come around and have another round on me!

DANCE, F***ER, DANCE, LET THE MOTHERF***ER BURN!


-- The Offspring, "Slim Pickens Does the Right Thing and Rides the Bomb to Hell"
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Re: OPINIONS: Twin of the Dead (WIP)

Post by c_nordlander » Sat Aug 19, 2017 9:06 pm

Continuing my review:

The last scene (so far) starts out well. I felt about as tense as Terri when the doorbell rang.

Weird capitalisation: "out of School". (Also, "fourth grade" doesn't need to be capitalised.)

Milhouse's list of things he's allergic to is absolutely hilarious.

I'm not an expert, but I don't think a character's thoughts need to be in both quotes and italics. Just italics would do.

"Something about Milhouse’s presence had set Sherri off, she didn’t keep it to herself as well, likely on account of being undead." I think this would flow better if you split it into two sentences (after "off"). It's good otherwise.

"being short and weak as she was, even Milhouse was a struggle to hold back." This would be better as a separate sentence.
“Milhouse? Um, are you okay?” she called down, remembering what happened with the last girl to show sympathy to his injuries, she added “I still think you’re a creep by the way!”
Needs a full stop after "down". Other than that, brilliant. Made me laugh.

"She didn’t get an answer but she could make out a sound." Good sentence, but I think it would be better with a comma after "answer".

Great ending to the scene, very atmospheric and with just the right amount of detail. I'm not too fond of ending dramatic scenes with an ellipsis, but that's up to you.

Well, I have very little to complain about in this instalment, other than a few punctuation issues, and even that's more a case of "this would make the sentence even better". You have a great story here, with great ambience and everyone in character as far as I can tell. Nice creeping sense of horror without indulging in florid writing or shock effects.

Keep going, I'm really enjoying this story.
Are you really gonna take it like that?
Riding on the missile with a cowboy hat?

Oh, well the world is gonna end
So dance around the fire that we once believed in
Oh, wanna tear it down again, now
'Cause there's nothing left for us to bleed
Give it up, the sons of anarchy
So come around and have another round on me!

DANCE, F***ER, DANCE, LET THE MOTHERF***ER BURN!


-- The Offspring, "Slim Pickens Does the Right Thing and Rides the Bomb to Hell"
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Re: OPINIONS: Twin of the Dead (WIP)

Post by Nidotamer » Sat Aug 19, 2017 10:03 pm

Well, the elipses I don't think are entirely a scene ending, still had some more to go off. Just kind of a "hey I hit a roadblock here" marker. Spiel misspelling is embarrassing, Chrome does turn off its spellcheck when offline but then I shoulda checked again since I remember being unsure about it anyway.
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------
"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
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Re: OPINIONS: Twin of the Dead (WIP)

Post by c_nordlander » Sat Aug 19, 2017 11:14 pm

Nidotamer wrote:Well, the elipses I don't think are entirely a scene ending, still had some more to go off. Just kind of a "hey I hit a roadblock here" marker.
Ah, then I retract my comment.

And hey, we all make spelling mistakes occasionally. At least you didn't tag "weiner" on a wall...
Are you really gonna take it like that?
Riding on the missile with a cowboy hat?

Oh, well the world is gonna end
So dance around the fire that we once believed in
Oh, wanna tear it down again, now
'Cause there's nothing left for us to bleed
Give it up, the sons of anarchy
So come around and have another round on me!

DANCE, F***ER, DANCE, LET THE MOTHERF***ER BURN!


-- The Offspring, "Slim Pickens Does the Right Thing and Rides the Bomb to Hell"
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Re: OPINIONS: Twin of the Dead (WIP)

Post by Nidotamer » Tue Oct 23, 2018 8:31 pm

Oh yeah I was doing this thing wasn't I?

So to help wind down during a rather scary part of my life (sadly not the fun kind of scary) I just plodded on with this. Watch out for rust and most likely forgetting the direction I was going in the first place, it's been a while after all.
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------
"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
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Re: OPINIONS: Twin of the Dead (WIP)

Post by c_nordlander » Thu Oct 25, 2018 8:55 pm

Caught a couple of typoes: "it seemed to soothed Sherri" needs a "have"; "that weird nose" should be "noise"; "sandwhich" should be "sandwich"; "and wind up dying horribly" should be in the past tense.

This new bit starts out really well. Lots of funny jokes and passages, like the lack of reward on the "wanted" posters, the whole bit about the postman, and "Awesome Lunches Done Quick".

This is well written. The bit about trying to get Sherri to eat feels realistically desperate, as do the various measures that Terri goes to, and the bit about the chicken is funny. You've done a good job writing Simpsons-style humour that's well adapted to the prose format.

"anything that’s not fresh" should be "that wasn't fresh" (fits with the past tense in the rest of the story).

"She may have looked like some horror game enemy, she certainly felt like one." This would be better if you split up the sentence into two where the comma is now. Other than that it's pretty great.

I think the sentence
Spoiler
is a bit superfluous, but then the next paragraph follows straight from that and is pretty darn funny, so I'm not complaining about it.

"Some dumb teenager that went and broke his neck" would sound better with "that had gone and broken" etc.

Love the rest of the paragraph, especially the bit about skeletons.
Spoiler
"lassie" shouldn't be capitalised (except when it's the name of a dog).

Good ending to the section. I enjoyed seeing
Spoiler
again, and he has another couple of laugh-out-loud funny lines.

All in all, this continues good. I have some minor nitpicks about punctuation/tenses, but the plot progresses at the right pace and you have lots of good jokes, as well as a good emotional core of the story. Your writing is good.

I understand the feeling of having lost track in a story when you haven't been working on it for a while (I get it myself), but speaking as a reader, I don't notice a lack of direction. I'll enjoy reading more. It's starting to be seasonally appropriate, too.
Are you really gonna take it like that?
Riding on the missile with a cowboy hat?

Oh, well the world is gonna end
So dance around the fire that we once believed in
Oh, wanna tear it down again, now
'Cause there's nothing left for us to bleed
Give it up, the sons of anarchy
So come around and have another round on me!

DANCE, F***ER, DANCE, LET THE MOTHERF***ER BURN!


-- The Offspring, "Slim Pickens Does the Right Thing and Rides the Bomb to Hell"
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Re: OPINIONS: Twin of the Dead (WIP)

Post by Nidotamer » Sun Oct 28, 2018 9:11 pm

So applied some changes... and accidentally added a bit, ain't too sure of it.
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TWIN OF THE DEAD wip.odt
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"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
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Re: OPINIONS: Twin of the Dead (WIP)

Post by c_nordlander » Wed Oct 31, 2018 9:18 pm

Punctuation issue: "I don’t get it.” Terri whined" should have a comma, not a full stop, since it's followed by a dialogue tag.

I obviously don't know where your plot is going, but from a writing perspective, I think this bit is very good. Good comedy, clear and descriptive writing, and a nice bit of emotion as well. If I have a complaint, it's that I think Terri's "I just want my life back" line is a tiny bit cliché, but dialogue gets more leeway with that, since people do use clichés sometimes. And that's only a minor problem. So yeah, I certainly enjoyed this last bit.
Are you really gonna take it like that?
Riding on the missile with a cowboy hat?

Oh, well the world is gonna end
So dance around the fire that we once believed in
Oh, wanna tear it down again, now
'Cause there's nothing left for us to bleed
Give it up, the sons of anarchy
So come around and have another round on me!

DANCE, F***ER, DANCE, LET THE MOTHERF***ER BURN!


-- The Offspring, "Slim Pickens Does the Right Thing and Rides the Bomb to Hell"
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Re: OPINIONS: Twin of the Dead (WIP)

Post by Nidotamer » Tue Nov 20, 2018 12:44 pm

An update! I don't usually bother talking about any sort of 'making of' crap, especially since I doubt anyone cares, but this probably has been the most difficult thing to keep writing. And yet also something I'm getting a bit invested in. I think both parts are due to a bit of a tricky literary tightrope act.
Spoiler
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TWIN OF THE DEAD wip.odt
(34.3 KiB) Downloaded 39 times
Image
------
"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
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