FIC [REVIEWS] A Beautiful Team

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missy_misery
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FIC [REVIEWS] A Beautiful Team

Post by missy_misery » Mon Dec 18, 2017 7:40 am

Written for another story exchange for another friend - whose name is Chris, ironically!

SUMMARY: Zoidberg, Fry and Leela find themselves swept up in a life-or-death game of battleship when Leela's superior playing skills attract the attention of a sentient Star Destroyer who will not allow himself to be bested.
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Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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c_nordlander
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Re: FIC [REVIEWS] A Beautiful Team

Post by c_nordlander » Tue Dec 26, 2017 9:57 pm

Typo: "waver" (as a noun) should be spelled "waiver"; "in the middle center" feels redundant; "we sunk his battleship" should be "sank" ("sunk" is the perfect tense).
“SILENCE!” Shouted the unseen speaker
"shouted" shouldn't be capitalised.


I loved this pretty much from start to finish. The storyline is the kind of original-yet-pulpy idea that Futurama did so well. The opening fake-out is kind of an old joke, but pretty good nevertheless.

The writing is the high point: it's as good as your writing always is, and you fit the story into a few pages while still giving it the right amount of detail and never rushing it. All the protagonists are in character, and it's nice to see Zoidberg get top billing with Fry and Leela. The antagonist obviously doesn't get a huge amount of pagetime, but they're still a pretty memorable character,
Spoiler
with an enjoyable melodramatic voice. There are a few great jokes and funny lines. Zoidberg's first line made me laugh out loud, and I really enjoyed Fry's lines during
Spoiler
in the end.

If there's a downside, I'd say that the plot is kind of simple. I would have enjoyed more of a sense of danger for our heroes, or an additional twist, but then again, I realise you were probably typing your fingers off doing all these Christmas requests, and the plot you've got certainly isn't bad. A slightly bigger problem is the fact that you never really make it clear that
Spoiler
Those are minor weaknesses in a story with a great set-up, writing, and jokes. A-
But if you're not convinced that I'm invincible
Put me to the test;
I'd love to lay this rivalry to rest!


-- "You're Only Second Rate", The Return of Jafar
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missy_misery
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Re: FIC [REVIEWS] A Beautiful Team

Post by missy_misery » Sun Mar 11, 2018 11:22 pm

Thank you so much for your feedback as always, Chris; I was worried this was a little weak. Will go back in and tweak it a bit!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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