OPINIONS: The Monster of Mackleberry McManor

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Nidotamer
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OPINIONS: The Monster of Mackleberry McManor

Post by Nidotamer » Sun Oct 28, 2018 9:26 pm

Aka I try scripts. Your mileage may vary on how I do in that regard.

... still a wip of course.
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Re: OPINIONS: The Monster of Mackleberry McManor

Post by SirMustapha » Thu Nov 01, 2018 1:35 am

This is coming along very nicely! I find that this premise would be very simplistic and cliche for more general characters, but for the two pairs of twins, it gets quite intriguing. And your script writing is very effective. The descriptions are more opinionated than scripts tend to be, but that makes for great reading. The dialogue is also really nice to read. Overall, I do want to see what you're coming up with next. :)
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Re: OPINIONS: The Monster of Mackleberry McManor

Post by c_nordlander » Fri Nov 02, 2018 9:57 pm

I don't know how you feel about the title, but I think it's really funny.

Typoes: “a kissy fave” should obviously be “face”; "it's breathing" should be "its" since it's a possessive (and not short for "it is").

Your script format looks good to me. I've seen some official Hollywood scripts with quite "talkative" stage directions, so I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Your description of the Mackleberry house is the best-written thing in this script: it would go great in a prose story. The description of the set-up of the girls' room is nice as well: tells you a lot about their characters. The only direction I think is a bit clumsy is "Fade to black as TERRI climbs back up and nods off along with SHERRI"; this would be better as "TERRI climbs back up and nods off along with SHERRI. Fade to black." That's a bit clearer and doesn't obscure the ensuing joke, which is pretty good.

I remember you linking the first couple of pages in chat. I liked them then and I like them now. You've given Larry and Jerry a lot of personality. (I realise they're from the show, but I get the feeling you've expanded their personalities a lot.) Not a *nice* personality, mind you.

The plot is pretty simple so far, but still interesting and pretty cute. I get a bit of an early-seasons vibe from it, maybe it's the focus on the kids and their adventures. This is a good thing.

The jokes are the high point. Too many to mention, but I think my favourite is "But you don't have friends!" "Not any more." The "Mrs. Carrot" line is good as well.

So yeah. I don't have a lot of constructive criticism, other than the aforementioned typoes and that slightly clumsy stage direction. Hard to say much about the plot so far, but you have really funny dialogue, a pretty fun story, and like I said, the script format is clear and legible to me. I enjoyed it a lot.
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Re: OPINIONS: The Monster of Mackleberry McManor

Post by Nidotamer » Fri Nov 02, 2018 10:12 pm

Well I suppose some clumsy direction is inevitable. I'm about as new as they get with this sorta thing!

And it's kinda more "given them a personality at all" siiiiince so far their only appearance on the show was nonspeaking in a THOH bit I hated a lot. Try and make good stuff from crap an' all that. Perhaps they'll be a bit more nuanced at some point or in later fics (or ongoing ones...) but since it's rather heavily from the twins' perspective of course they're rightfully going to come off as bad. :D

Plus it's kinda fun in a mean way to give Sherri and Terri their own Sherri and Terri. :P
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Re: OPINIONS: The Monster of Mackleberry McManor

Post by c_nordlander » Sat Nov 03, 2018 8:09 pm

Nidotamer wrote:Perhaps they'll be a bit more nuanced at some point or in later fics (or ongoing ones...) but since it's rather heavily from the twins' perspective of course they're rightfully going to come off as bad. :D
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
Plus it's kinda fun in a mean way to give Sherri and Terri their own Sherri and Terri. :P
Heh, I noticed!
But if you're not convinced that I'm invincible
Put me to the test;
I'd love to lay this rivalry to rest!


-- "You're Only Second Rate", The Return of Jafar
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Re: OPINIONS: The Monster of Mackleberry McManor

Post by Nidotamer » Sun Jan 20, 2019 9:39 pm

Update. Tis small but hey it was only done in an hour.
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"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
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Re: OPINIONS: The Monster of Mackleberry McManor

Post by c_nordlander » Thu Jan 24, 2019 8:27 pm

Short new section, true, but it advances the plot and is funny. You have lots of good lines and sight gags: my favourites are "That's my table you ruined!", the magazine, and "You look like some idiot's wiener sidekick!" Jerry and Larry are as well written as before: this script proves that it's possible to enjoy reading about unsympathetic characters as long as they're entertaining.

Typo check: you're missing a blank line after "lightly jostles SHERRI."; "it's breathing is incredibly growly" should be "its"; "weiner" should be "wiener" (though maybe "weiner" is an acceptable variant).

Interesting ending to the section. I'm certainly interested to see what happens next.
But if you're not convinced that I'm invincible
Put me to the test;
I'd love to lay this rivalry to rest!


-- "You're Only Second Rate", The Return of Jafar
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Re: OPINIONS: The Monster of Mackleberry McManor

Post by Nidotamer » Sun May 05, 2019 10:49 pm

How long was it since I last updated?

It was gonna end on a dumber note but maybe I should tone it down sometimes.:P I hope to god the mix up from tonight with the files doesn't happen here.
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"Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment."
---- Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash
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Re: OPINIONS: The Monster of Mackleberry McManor

Post by c_nordlander » Mon May 06, 2019 10:00 pm

Those who were in chat last night already know I like this bit, but for the benefit of everyone else, this is still good. Funny, in character, and makes me interested to see where the plot will go. The scene in Terri's imagination is the most hilarious part.
But if you're not convinced that I'm invincible
Put me to the test;
I'd love to lay this rivalry to rest!


-- "You're Only Second Rate", The Return of Jafar
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