FIC: Older, Wiser (6/6) (Complete) (PG-13)
- missy_misery
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FIC: Older, Wiser (6/6) (Complete) (PG-13)
Been working on some suitable Venture!Fic and thought this might be appreciated:
SUMMARY: It's been twenty years since season 2 ended. Brock is still novelist/playwrite Dean Venture's bodyguard, and he considers in a privalage to look after Dean's growing family. But when a certain fanboy will do ANYTHING to find out how Dean's new book ends, Brock finds himself teaming up with some old enemies and unusual friends to protect Dean.
SUMMARY: It's been twenty years since season 2 ended. Brock is still novelist/playwrite Dean Venture's bodyguard, and he considers in a privalage to look after Dean's growing family. But when a certain fanboy will do ANYTHING to find out how Dean's new book ends, Brock finds himself teaming up with some old enemies and unusual friends to protect Dean.
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Last edited by Anonymous on Fri Nov 13, 2009 6:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy. Missy's good.)
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
- aoifestorm
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (1/??) (WIP)
Write some more of this please, Missy.
Homer eats a little too much Chile to strong pepper and is found with hullicinations amongst other things it speaks with a dog.
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (1/??) (WIP)
@Aoife: Thank you! I'd love to hear some things that you specifically liked/disliked about it, though, so I can improve the piece
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy. Missy's good.)
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (1/??) (WIP)
My only real disappointment is that the first segment is so short. I can't wait to see more of this story.
Some minor nitpicks:
And now the little parts I loved:
Some minor nitpicks:
The sentence looks a bit awkward. I think there's a word missing (an "and" between "pages" and "entered"?).He waded through the pile of discarded black tulle and discarded manuscript pages entered the day suite, where the noise was its loudest.
I think you meant Dean, rather than Hank.He cleared his throat to drive away the emotion. "Lemme check the hall one more time," he said, leaving before Hank could notice the slight quiver in his lips.
I assume by "clicking" you mean the sound of her shoes hitting the floor as she walked away; it took me a few moments to register what you were talking about. Maybe I'm just slow (or maybe I'm flat out wrong), but the way it's written now seems to suggest that she herself is clicking. I'm not sure how you could reword it, though, or if it really needs rewording."I will bring you Dean Venture," she said, turning and clicking her way out of the room....
And now the little parts I loved:
Last edited by Officer 1BDI on Sat Jul 07, 2007 1:51 am, edited 1 time in total.
"I was God once."
"Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died."
Bender and God, "Godfellas"
"Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died."
Bender and God, "Godfellas"
- missy_misery
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (1/??) (WIP)
Thanks so much!!
Crap! *fixes*
Thank you SO much for your helpful review - part the second on it's way soon!
Makes sense! *fixes*Officer 1BDI wrote: The sentence looks a bit awkward. I think there's a word missing (an "and" between "pages" and "entered"?).
I think you meant Dean, rather than Hank.[/quote]He cleared his throat to drive away the emotion. "Lemme check the hall one more time," he said, leaving before Hank could notice the slight quiver in his lips.
Crap! *fixes*
I've re-edited the segment and re-attached; thoughts on the fresh transition appreciated.I assume by "clicking" you mean the sound of her shoes hitting the floor as she walked away; it took me a few moments to register what you were talking about. Maybe I'm just slow (or maybe I'm flat out wrong), but the way it's written now seems to suggest that she herself is clicking. I'm not sure how you could reword it, though, or if it really needs rewording.
Thank you SO much for your helpful review - part the second on it's way soon!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy. Missy's good.)
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
- aoifestorm
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (1/??) (WIP)
Hahah, write some more if it first!! I like that you are writing it, I dislike that there isn't more.missy_misery wrote: @Aoife: Thank you! I'd love to hear some things that you specifically liked/disliked about it, though, so I can improve the piece
Just let the story out, and worry about technicalities lata.
Homer eats a little too much Chile to strong pepper and is found with hullicinations amongst other things it speaks with a dog.
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (1/??) (WIP)
I really like it, but I think you should use "add" in the last sentence, rather than "added."missy_misery wrote:I've re-edited the segment and re-attached; thoughts on the fresh transition appreciated.I assume by "clicking" you mean the sound of her shoes hitting the floor as she walked away; it took me a few moments to register what you were talking about. Maybe I'm just slow (or maybe I'm flat out wrong), but the way it's written now seems to suggest that she herself is clicking. I'm not sure how you could reword it, though, or if it really needs rewording.
You're welcome. And I can't wait; I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it might come out before I leave this Thursday for a week.Thank you SO much for your helpful review - part the second on it's way soon!
"I was God once."
"Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died."
Bender and God, "Godfellas"
"Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died."
Bender and God, "Godfellas"
- missy_misery
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (1/??) (WIP)
@Aoife - I'm working on it!
@Officer 1BDI - YES, that does sound better! *fixes*
@the both of you - new chapter Saturday, I'm afraid.
@Officer 1BDI - YES, that does sound better! *fixes*
@the both of you - new chapter Saturday, I'm afraid.
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy. Missy's good.)
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
- missy_misery
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (2/??) (WIP)
Part the Second, in which complications arise in getting Dean to the premire. Looks like Brock's gonna need some intel, but the backup he gets might not be the backup he wants.
PLEASE NOTE: the rating goes up slightly for language in this chapter, nothing outside of what's barely-bleeped in actual Venture!Verse.
PLEASE NOTE: the rating goes up slightly for language in this chapter, nothing outside of what's barely-bleeped in actual Venture!Verse.
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Last edited by missy_misery on Sat Jul 28, 2007 8:08 am, edited 1 time in total.
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy. Missy's good.)
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (2/??) (WIP)
Awesome, Miss Missy Misery! Funny and action-packed as the show, and I just love the Monarch's typically inept entrance.
Hey you, out there in the cold,
Getting lonely, getting old,
Can you hear me?
Hey you, standing in the aisles,
With itching feet and fading smiles,
Can you feel me?
Hey You! Don\'t help them to bury the light.
Don\'t give in without a fight.
-\"Hey You\", by Pink Floyd
Getting lonely, getting old,
Can you hear me?
Hey you, standing in the aisles,
With itching feet and fading smiles,
Can you feel me?
Hey You! Don\'t help them to bury the light.
Don\'t give in without a fight.
-\"Hey You\", by Pink Floyd
- missy_misery
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (2/??) (WIP)
Thanks so much! I've recently replaced the second chapter with a fresher version.
Third chapter will arrive soon!
Third chapter will arrive soon!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy. Missy's good.)
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
- c_nordlander
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (2/??) (WIP)
I'm grateful to you, Missy. First ever VB fanfic I read, and it's great.
Your writing style is great, as usual, though occasionally precious: "eyes wide with a powerful zeal" gives a nice image, but feels rather like telling instead of showing for some reason. To be fair, there's very little of that (in fact, less than usual in your stories).
Typoes: "dissapeared", "opperative", "behind" (should be "being", in the Chucky Cheese line), "tobbacco", "Trinana", "evildooers", and "snivley". Also, it's "Papillon" with only one I.
Also, I don't know what "phisod" (second chapter) is.
The descriptions of the people, their clothes and the environments are excellent: never dragging on, just perfect details dropped here and there. I particularly like the way you describe Brock and Molotov (Molotov is perfect!)
OK, a continuity problem: in the first chapter, Dean's fictional character is named "Johnny Starfall", but in the second he's "Jonny Starlight". Personally, I much prefer "Starfall". (I have no preferences for the spelling of his first name.)
It's "New Line Cinema" without a hyphen. (Unless this is an intentional change for the Ventureverse.) I like the fact that they made Dean's movie, though.
The unicorn line feels a bit recycled (like a lot of similar nerd jokes on The Simpsons and the like). I like nerd jokes like that, but I think you could come up with something wittier than the colour of a unicorn. (This isn't even a nitpick, just a sign of how much I demand from your writing.)
It's nice to have an appearance of Jonas and his family, but why not refer to him as "Jonas Jr." like on the show? (I also love Dean's kid being Jonas the Third).
The song is called "Camptown Races", unless this is a pun.
The kidnapping is well written, quick and shocking, with the reader given as little chance as Brock to realise what's going on.
I love the appearance of the Monarch (and his wife's new nom de guerre!). Though:
Good chapter ending.
Well, there's not a lot to comment on so far, but I'm eager to see more and find out where the plot is going. Writing is awesome even for you, as I've said, with beautiful descriptions. Everyone seems in character: Dean and Triana are a bit bland perhaps (but then, they are on the show, too), but Brock is great, and Molotov shines whenever she's on the page.
I'm looking forward to more!
Your writing style is great, as usual, though occasionally precious: "eyes wide with a powerful zeal" gives a nice image, but feels rather like telling instead of showing for some reason. To be fair, there's very little of that (in fact, less than usual in your stories).
Typoes: "dissapeared", "opperative", "behind" (should be "being", in the Chucky Cheese line), "tobbacco", "Trinana", "evildooers", and "snivley". Also, it's "Papillon" with only one I.
Also, I don't know what "phisod" (second chapter) is.
The descriptions of the people, their clothes and the environments are excellent: never dragging on, just perfect details dropped here and there. I particularly like the way you describe Brock and Molotov (Molotov is perfect!)
This feels a bit wordy. Perhaps "there was a small murmur going up from the crowd" would be better.There was a small murmur that went up from the crowd
OK, a continuity problem: in the first chapter, Dean's fictional character is named "Johnny Starfall", but in the second he's "Jonny Starlight". Personally, I much prefer "Starfall". (I have no preferences for the spelling of his first name.)
It's "New Line Cinema" without a hyphen. (Unless this is an intentional change for the Ventureverse.) I like the fact that they made Dean's movie, though.
The unicorn line feels a bit recycled (like a lot of similar nerd jokes on The Simpsons and the like). I like nerd jokes like that, but I think you could come up with something wittier than the colour of a unicorn. (This isn't even a nitpick, just a sign of how much I demand from your writing.)
Brilliant, brilliant line."Aww, I think the movies are nifty! And they're lots of fun to watch, whether you're on a plane or when you're behind held captive by an Abominable Snowperson who's really a mad Chucky Cheese employee!"
It's nice to have an appearance of Jonas and his family, but why not refer to him as "Jonas Jr." like on the show? (I also love Dean's kid being Jonas the Third).
The song is called "Camptown Races", unless this is a pun.
The kidnapping is well written, quick and shocking, with the reader given as little chance as Brock to realise what's going on.
I think the second "outside" should go. Also, you might want to give a little more time to Brock's search, even if only one new sentence."SUNUVA..." he muttered, running outside and furtively searching every alley, but there was nothing but a New York night outside without even a ransom note left behind.
I love the appearance of the Monarch (and his wife's new nom de guerre!). Though:
Good chapter ending.
Well, there's not a lot to comment on so far, but I'm eager to see more and find out where the plot is going. Writing is awesome even for you, as I've said, with beautiful descriptions. Everyone seems in character: Dean and Triana are a bit bland perhaps (but then, they are on the show, too), but Brock is great, and Molotov shines whenever she's on the page.
I'm looking forward to more!
Last edited by Anonymous on Sat Sep 01, 2007 9:58 am, edited 1 time in total.
Pretty little baby
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon
-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"
Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me for more information.
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon
-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"
Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me for more information.
- missy_misery
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (2/??) (WIP)
*bows* thank you, Chris!
Thanks for notes on the typos - I'll fix them up and repost edited chapters ASAP (probably before December, considering my schedule).
Crap, I knew I should have checked the Johnny Starfall thing - it is Starfall, I considered "Starkiller" in tribute to mildly-obscure Star Wars lore, but thought it was overkill (and too bloody-sounding for something Dean'd come up with). *fixes*
I'll rework the nerd/Dean dialouge exchange - I agree it could be punchier.
Noted RE: Jonas Jr!
Re: What's in spoiler tags about The Monarch:
RE: Dean and Triana: that's the fun of Venturefic; Dean and Tri (and also Hank to some degree, IMOHO, at least pre-Assassinanny) are these semi-normal folks around whom the strangest of the strange swirls. Hopefully ficwise in this particular universe, some things will never change
New chapter by fall at least!
I'm glad you like, Chris!
Thanks for notes on the typos - I'll fix them up and repost edited chapters ASAP (probably before December, considering my schedule).
Crap, I knew I should have checked the Johnny Starfall thing - it is Starfall, I considered "Starkiller" in tribute to mildly-obscure Star Wars lore, but thought it was overkill (and too bloody-sounding for something Dean'd come up with). *fixes*
I'll rework the nerd/Dean dialouge exchange - I agree it could be punchier.
Noted RE: Jonas Jr!
Re: What's in spoiler tags about The Monarch:
RE: Dean and Triana: that's the fun of Venturefic; Dean and Tri (and also Hank to some degree, IMOHO, at least pre-Assassinanny) are these semi-normal folks around whom the strangest of the strange swirls. Hopefully ficwise in this particular universe, some things will never change
New chapter by fall at least!
I'm glad you like, Chris!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy. Missy's good.)
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
- c_nordlander
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (2/??) (WIP)
Gah... I started *correcting* your typoes in the post instead of just listing them. So you've written "evildooers" and "snivley", and I said you should *change* it to "evildoers" and "snivelly" (or "snively" since you're American). My brain must have changed course in mid-sentence.
*LOL* @ the Luke Starkiller reference. But yeah, Starfall is a cooler name.
Forgot to say...
*LOL* @ the Luke Starkiller reference. But yeah, Starfall is a cooler name.
Forgot to say...
Last edited by Anonymous on Fri Sep 07, 2007 7:48 am, edited 1 time in total.
Pretty little baby
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon
-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"
Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me for more information.
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon
-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"
Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me for more information.
- aoifestorm
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (2/??) (WIP)
Yayy Missayyy! I finally read part 2. Now, I need more! A lot more, please. I'm kind of glad that I couldn't read this before today, I need part 3, and we have to wait for that.
I want to know what happens nowwwww.
Good stuff- Everyone's in character, there are some great lines and descriptions, Monarch's entrance is the best one could ask for, gush gush gush. I need more!
Nitpickin- There would be a Pad Thai place on 86th street. However, both the Yupper West Side, and the Upper East Side are sorely lacking in hookers. They are upper middle class/rich/mega rich/mega mega rich neighborhoods. HOWEVER, "high class" apartments and townhouse rackets could be found on the Upper East. Maybe refer to the fact that they are high priced girls? It's pretty much the only way those neighborhoods and hookers go together.
Also, along East 86th is the building that The Jeffersons lived in, and inside which they finally got a piece of the pie. I beg beg beg you to add something with this, since you specifically mentioned 86th street. Please Missay, please rock my world.
I want to know what happens nowwwww.
Good stuff- Everyone's in character, there are some great lines and descriptions, Monarch's entrance is the best one could ask for, gush gush gush. I need more!
Nitpickin- There would be a Pad Thai place on 86th street. However, both the Yupper West Side, and the Upper East Side are sorely lacking in hookers. They are upper middle class/rich/mega rich/mega mega rich neighborhoods. HOWEVER, "high class" apartments and townhouse rackets could be found on the Upper East. Maybe refer to the fact that they are high priced girls? It's pretty much the only way those neighborhoods and hookers go together.
Also, along East 86th is the building that The Jeffersons lived in, and inside which they finally got a piece of the pie. I beg beg beg you to add something with this, since you specifically mentioned 86th street. Please Missay, please rock my world.
Homer eats a little too much Chile to strong pepper and is found with hullicinations amongst other things it speaks with a dog.