[work in progress] Parallel Lives

[c_nordlander]

@Officer 1BDI:

I'm rather disappointed at myself for not remembering that it was "Seymour Asses". I guess it's because I was a Simpsons fan from the start.

An animal with a crown around its neck is quite common in heraldry. See the unicorn for an example.

I'll review the updated version when less tired.

[archonix]

All righty, another update. Go me.

I have to admit, I've been floundering just a little here. There might be a few scenes that I cut out from this latest update before I go to the final draft, or at least trim down a little. It's also getting very dialogue-heavy. I'm not going with the spoilered idea I mentioned in the last post, though I might save that for another fic some time... At least I'm not stuck in the squishy middle trap any more.

Which reminds me, I should write up a column about that.

Specifically what I want to know is, the Leela internal monologue around where it cut off last time; is it too wordy?

Also I'm fairly certain that, again, I haven't caught all the corrections that were mentioned in previous posts. I'll go through it more thoroughly once I've got a good idea of where the rest of the major scenes are going. I don't want to risk my writing energy on editing just yet.

[c_nordlander]

Continuing from where I left off in the old document:

I like the Neptunian secretary's multitasking.

I also like "herselves".

Leela's reaction when her double is tranked is a nice touch. I also really like Leela's passing out sensations.

I think "descended towards the ground" is a tautology. Not much of a one, though.

"Slurm" needs to be capitalised.

He felt an odd temptation to pick up one of the rods and play with it. They looked like they’d make good swords but, perhaps fortunately, Fry’s experience of the lab stayed his hand.

I love this line. I always find it hard to write the more childlike and cute side to Fry's stupidity, but you do it well.

when the floor sudden seemed to drop away from under their feet.

"Sudden" should be "suddenly", and in fact it could probably go altogether. It's a bit clichéd.

"it's descent" should be "its".

The interplay between Fry and Amy continues nice and subtle.

The description of the underground lab is good. I like how the crest is a mural on the wall. Still, I think "revealing a massive underground space carved out of the living rock, filled with complicated machinery" is a bit anticlimactic, particularly when you later describe it in more detail, showing just how awesome it is. It's kind of like showing instead of telling. I'd just first have:

1. "Fry's voice trailed off as the door passed before him. 'Wow...'"
2. The dialogue
3. The description of the giant room as they walk out of the confines of the door

Out of the confines of the door the lab revealed its full magnitude.

I'd rephrase it to something like "Once they were out of the confines of the door, the lab" etc.

He sat down in front of a binocular scope to adjust the scanners then slipped behind the curtained area

Needs a comma after "scanners".

Typo: "asian" should be capitalised.

Think I'll leave it there for now. You'll get the rest of the review soon.

[c_nordlander]

Continuing:

Typo: "peripheral an night vision".

I do like the bit about the advantages of Leela's eye. The bit about her increased vision of red is brilliant. Lots of great things in the Evila scene, actually. I can't point out all the great lines and descriptions, but they're great.

The scene with Fry, Amy and Yancy is great, too. Particularly the end of it.

Spoiler

The romantic tension between Fry and Amy is a lot, well, steamier than I'm used to in fanfics. It's great.

I've pretty much told you everything about Leela's dream and her waking up. Suffice it to say, those are very well-written scenes.

*LOL* @ Gundark joke

Typo: "Veklerovwas" should be two words

I like the alternate Leela's name. 

The "City on the Edge of Forever" reference is funny. Leela's sexist ponderings feel in character, too. (Other people might disagree.) She *has* had a lot of bad experiences with guys, even if it's been her own fault a lot of the time.

and he’d pleaded, not for his own life, but for the lives of her parents, all the while pitying her for what she’d become. And she’d hated him for it.

I love it.

Yay, Bender! You write him well.

“I never really understood the way you walking organ banks related to each other.

I think you could leave this out if you wanted. The "uncle" line seems funnier without it, and we understand that it's because Bender's a robot.

I really like Fry looking through Yancy's belongings. Nice way of providing character background. Heh heh, deathball. And Fry finding the engagement ring is nicely dramatic.

An expensive looking diamond glittered atop a narrow, unadorned bold band

I think "unadorned" should go. If the ring has a diamond, it isn't unadorned.

The bit about Bender stealing the ring is a nice bit of comic relief. In fact, it made me laugh.

The bit about the intervention is very interesting. I expect they would need to have something like that.

Typo: "you're career" should be "your".

Typo: "feels worth" should be "worse".

Well, all I can say is that it's looking great so far. The pace seems to slack a little bit when the local Leela (Neena!) shows up, but it's not for long, and I'm just very happy about the plot and various details. More in-depth comments will have to wait until I've seen more, of course. But it's going in the right direction for sure.

[Officer 1BDI]

(Still working on that picture....)

@Officer 1BDI:
[...]
An animal with a crown around its neck is quite common in heraldry. See the unicorn for an example.

Ohhh.  That's not at all what I was imagining before, but now the interchanging of "collar" and "crown" makes a lot more sense in my head.  Thanks, Chris.

Specifically what I want to know is, the Leela internal monologue around where it cut off last time; is it too wordy?

I don't think it's wordy, per se; almost everything mentioned while both Leelas are in the apartment is important to the story (establishing ParaLeela's name, Leela's realization that Neena doesn't know about her parents, the mention of the dream, etc.).  Leela's inner monologue does seem more verbose than other parts of the story, but I'm not sure what you could remove from it: even the bits insignificant to the plot, like the mini rant about Shatner, are entertaining enough that I didn't feel bored reading them.  And given that we're in Leela's head, I'd expect her to be a little wordy with her logic.

I did find this bit confusing, though:

Leela nodded. Talking to herself never seemed so strange. No wait, normal. Or... she stopped the thought before it started another headache. “I don’t particularly want to be Purple either.”
“That pilot, Veklerovwas it? he keeps calling you-”

I assume that both lines are Leela's (based on how the dialogue below that quote is arranged), but the paragraph break initially made me think Neena was speaking, which threw me off for the rest of that chunk of dialogue.

She blinked at Leela a few times and then slipped out. A moment later she returned to switch the light back on and apologise.

Hehe, cute.

I'll second that cheer for the return of Bender.  I love that his favorite color is money.

Oh gawd, deathball.    Nice TBWaBB reference.

“He did, twice. First time I bought it back from the pawn shop. Second time I took a blowtorch to his head.”

...I can actually see him doing that.  It makes sense that he'd be a lot less susceptible to Bender's crap than his brother.

He decided it might be better to stay quiet for a little while, and not mention that his own hanger was virtually gone already.

This is perhaps my own ignorance shining through, but is "hanger" short for "hangover"?

“For all I know she might have an ovipostor and- wait...”

I think you mean "ovipositor".

He could see Yancy frowning at him again, obviously trying to work out something. Fry couldn’t help but think that Yancy was trying to work out how he’d survived....

It seems redundant to have "work out" in two sentences so close together.

Spoiler

“You’re sure this will work?”
“Hey, what could go wrong?”

“You had to say it, didn’t you!”

This cliche never gets old for me.  Never.  XD  Also, I think it's great that you've brought this "allergy" up; it shows that even in the future, where advanced medical technology runs rampant, not everyone is compatible.

Fry wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear about his brothers dates

Neither am I "Brothers" should have an apostrophe.

Spoiler

Interesting that Leela's headaches seem to be getting worse while Fry's have actually gotten better.  I was expecting different pain levels since Fry's run into one less parallel!self than Leela, but the lack of hangover makes me wonder if something else is going on....

[archonix]

(Still working on that picture....)

Woohoo!

I don't think it's wordy, per se; almost everything mentioned while both Leelas are in the apartment is important to the story (establishing ParaLeela's name, Leela's realization that Neena doesn't know about her parents, the mention of the dream, etc.).  Leela's inner monologue does seem more verbose than other parts of the story, but I'm not sure what you could remove from it: even the bits insignificant to the plot, like the mini rant about Shatner, are entertaining enough that I didn't feel bored reading them.  And given that we're in Leela's head, I'd expect her to be a little wordy with her logic.

That's good. I was worried it got a bit long. I might try and tighten it up a little anyway but at least I don't have to be nervous about it any more.

This is perhaps my own ignorance shining through, but is "hanger" short for "hangover"?

Typo...

Spoiler

Interesting that Leela's headaches seem to be getting worse while Fry's have actually gotten better.  I was expecting different pain levels since Fry's run into one less parallel!self than Leela, but the lack of hangover makes me wonder if something else is going on....

Spoiler

Well... it's a lot to do with the emotional state of the characters and who they're directing their focus on. Leela is focussing on herselves at the moment, and is experiencing a lot of negatives. Fry is focussing on, ah-heh, other people, and in a positive way, which I've always found is a sure-fire way to cure a hangover anyway.

It's all a bit myffic. And probably quantum.

[archonix]

Keeps going and going...

I probably won't post another until I'm at the end, now. Certainly not until I'm past *ahem* that scene.

[c_nordlander]

The writing continues good. Very good indeed. I like Yancy's friendship for Amy.

Heh, when Yancy talks about Fry's relationship with Amy-1, at first I read "ended up *crying* on her shoulder". Maybe that would make a funny joke. Just a thought.

I like Fry's little thought about the All My Circuits plot. Makes the story come to life.

Having Fry and Yancy going on the mission together is a great way to develop their interaction.

Typo: "thorugh"

Typo: it's spelt "Philip", not "Phillip".

I like the pop-up book.

So much here made me truly emotional... Philip Fry Jr. naming the city after his father, Yancy's realisation that he would have had a son, and the fact that he wasn't as successful as alternate Fry.

Nice Zapp reference.

I know I've already read the new bit from Evila's POV, but it's really well written.

Spoiler

I like how Leela's father reminds "her" of Fry.

Spoiler

The murder is very tastefully written. No detail at all. I like that.

Good ending to the scene as well.

Well, just keep writing it. The story is compelling enough, and all the characters (original and canonical) are great.

[Officer 1BDI]

...Figures that 15 minutes after I PM you over at TFM this site comes back up.   (I'm glad you liked the picture. ^_^ )

A moment later Amy got up and followed her with a concerned expression on her face. He wondered what she would do in there. Fry didn’t particularly want to be around for that explosion.

Spoiler

I'm glad you threw this into the story because I think that conversation will help establish why Amy doesn't seem as crestfallen by Fry's dedication to Leela in the "bedroom scene" as she might otherwise, given how much she likes Fry.

I love this universe's Veklerov.  There, I said it.  He's a crazy, pompous bastard, sure, but that's what makes him hilarious.  By the end of the update I was howling (I can imagine him just standing there, with this little smirk on his face, while Fry's struggling to restrain his brother).  Nice parallel to Zapp Brannigan, too.

The Mars conversation.... oh man.  I think I've been waiting for that to pop up this entire time and it didn't disappoint at all.

“Think about it though. That’s Mars down there. We’re on a space-ship...”
“Just another ball of rock,” Yancy muttered, staring at the planet thorugh half-lidded eyes. He turned away for a moment. “Nothing special about it.”

Chris has already pointed out the typo.  I don't think that "space-ship" is commonly hyphenated, but I don't think it's incorrect, either.

(And maybe I'm being horribly presumptuous, but that rock line sounds vaguely familiar.... =) )

"I didn’t get most of it because I was playing with the little rocket on page three-”
“You learned about it from a pop-up book?”
“The librarian said it was the only thing they had at my level...” Fry frowned.

XD  I'd like to think Fry has reading comprehension skills somewhere above that level, but getting distracted by a little paper rocket sounds exactly like something he'd do.

The whole conversation was delectably bittersweet.  Just the way he took it all in and walked away... that's a heavy set of weight to have piled on you in a single interval.

Spoiler

I also enjoyed the Fry/Morris comparison.  That entire scene was demented.  That's the only word that comes to mind right now.  The way she took in the smell of the gun smoke, scattered the extra ammo to spice up the scene, the whole "privacy" monologue... and the knowledge that she's done this before many, many times.  It's chilling, but it works so well.

...And I would NOT want to be the Fry brothers when they run into Neena after she's found the bodies (assuming I'm interpreting your notes correctly).

I'm eagerly awaiting next Saturday (or whenever you find time to finish the episode).

[missy_misery]

Darnit, I keep getting beaten to the concrit.  All I can offer is that this is terrific, Graham - plotty and completely absorbing.

[archonix]

Heh, when Yancy talks about Fry's relationship with Amy-1, at first I read "ended up *crying* on her shoulder".

Ahh, that might work. I'll try it out.

Darnit, I keep getting beaten to the concrit.  All I can offer is that this is terrific, Graham - plotty and completely absorbing.

That's what happens when you have a life. You miss stuff I do. Stop having a life!

Nice parallel to Zapp Brannigan, too.

Ah-hah, you spotted that! They needed a pompous ass and Brannigan was busy blowing up the Neutrals... I might see if I can get them to meet in one episode just to see if there are any survivors.

The Mars conversation.... oh man.  I think I've been waiting for that to pop up this entire time and it didn't disappoint at all.

Woot woot!

And maybe I'm being horribly presumptuous, but that rock line sounds vaguely familiar

(assuming I'm interpreting your notes correctly)

Darn notes telling me what to do!

Yeah that last bit is going to be interesting, at least from my perspective, since it starts to reveal a lot more of Evila's motivations.

Also, feel free to post that picture whenever you like.

[Officer 1BDI]

All right, then.

[c_nordlander]

Lovely comic. Absolutely lovely.  ()))))))>ccco 

EDIT: I thought your name was Nicole. Apologies for getting it wrong. I'm bad at these things.

[archonix]

Heehee, I still love Amy's expression in the last panel.

[Officer 1BDI]

Thank you, both of you. 

(But who is Nicole?)  It's ok. =) I've never actually revealed my real name online.