[work in progress] Parallel Lives
Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives
Yay, it's still not finished!
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Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives
Continuing from where I left off:
I like Neena's selfishness regarding Yancy. It's well observed. And the plot proceeds excellently.
Writing is still good. No, great.
Fry's misunderstanding about Leela saying "he knows" (thinking she's talking about leaving him in the dimension) feels a bit too much like a stock sitcom misunderstanding to me. I mean, it makes sense, but it still feels a bit stock. (On the other hand, I'm fine with Fry asking Neena about it and Neena just not knowing about it. That makes sense.)
I love how Fry just assumes that Yancy and Neena had sex. Very in-character and classic.
Fry's little fight with Yancy, and the meeting with Neena, are excellent.
I still love Veklerov referring to Neena as "the star orphan". In fact, quite a few of Veklerov's lines make me giggle a bit.
Slightly amusing typo: "control yolk" should be "yoke".
Possible typo: on p. 94 (approximately?), "glanced" seems to have a space between the G and the L. Might just be a formatting thing, of course.
Typo: "pced" should be "paced".
Nice Gunther reference.
The quantum physics discussion isn't too long or dense, in my opinion. It works for me.
I like how Neena can tell that Fry's directions were wrong.
I like the coffee-style beverage. Also Amy's reaction to Leela.
The mutants are great, with some excellent lines. I love "the sky watchers".
I like the classic scene of Fry being chased on the delivery. Plus, an action scene for Amy!
Well, I'd say this still looks as good as ever. It is getting a bit long, but I know you're near the end, and there's quite a bit of detail: I'm still not sure where you're going with some things (or whether you are), like Veklerov smoking. The Professor's quantum physics discussion, that I know you were worried about, is funny. I like Yancy's input in it. I was particularly drawn into the sewers plotline, mainly because I know what it's building up to, but really, everything here is good. Everyone's in character, the mutants' appearance is funny, and there are some snicker-worthy bits, even though it's not really a joke-heavy piece.
Hope this has been of any help.
I like Neena's selfishness regarding Yancy. It's well observed. And the plot proceeds excellently.
Writing is still good. No, great.
Fry's misunderstanding about Leela saying "he knows" (thinking she's talking about leaving him in the dimension) feels a bit too much like a stock sitcom misunderstanding to me. I mean, it makes sense, but it still feels a bit stock. (On the other hand, I'm fine with Fry asking Neena about it and Neena just not knowing about it. That makes sense.)
I love how Fry just assumes that Yancy and Neena had sex. Very in-character and classic.
I think "sarcastic" could go.he added with a sarcastic roll of his eyes.
Fry's little fight with Yancy, and the meeting with Neena, are excellent.
"it's" should be "its", and "caste" should be "cast"which lost it’s manic caste
Perfect.Oh she knew the logical response was to just treat him the way she’d treated Zapp... should have treated Zapp...
I still love Veklerov referring to Neena as "the star orphan". In fact, quite a few of Veklerov's lines make me giggle a bit.
Slightly amusing typo: "control yolk" should be "yoke".
Possible typo: on p. 94 (approximately?), "glanced" seems to have a space between the G and the L. Might just be a formatting thing, of course.
Typo: "pced" should be "paced".
Nice Gunther reference.
The quantum physics discussion isn't too long or dense, in my opinion. It works for me.
I like how Neena can tell that Fry's directions were wrong.
I like the coffee-style beverage. Also Amy's reaction to Leela.
I love this bit, because it feels so true to life.There had been times when she’d done things for him too. Hadn’t there?
This bit made me snicker.If Vek drank the foul gunk it might be worth telling him how it was made.
The mutants are great, with some excellent lines. I love "the sky watchers".
I like the classic scene of Fry being chased on the delivery. Plus, an action scene for Amy!
Well, I'd say this still looks as good as ever. It is getting a bit long, but I know you're near the end, and there's quite a bit of detail: I'm still not sure where you're going with some things (or whether you are), like Veklerov smoking. The Professor's quantum physics discussion, that I know you were worried about, is funny. I like Yancy's input in it. I was particularly drawn into the sewers plotline, mainly because I know what it's building up to, but really, everything here is good. Everyone's in character, the mutants' appearance is funny, and there are some snicker-worthy bits, even though it's not really a joke-heavy piece.
Hope this has been of any help.
Last edited by Anonymous on Thu Sep 11, 2008 7:51 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives
As always, Graham, you're gonna recieve some unhelpful gush from me . Awed, as always - Amy's becoming my favorite. Perfect blend of humor and action, with just the right hint of emotion.
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy. Missy's good.)
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives
Unhelpful gush, I like. It makes e feel better.
Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives
*1BDI enters with her standard Wall-O-Text that she hopes is of some assistance*
Chris already brought up the Gunther shoutout, but I wanted to acknowledge the Calculon/"The Honking" callback as well. It's such a small detail, but it's a sharp reminder that quite a few events never happened because of what's different in this universe.
I do agree about the "misunderstanding" of that line feeling cliche. If you choose to change it, great; but I wasn't horribly bothered by it. I saw it as one in a series of unfortunate misunderstandings that have been occurring through this entire episode; using stock to enhance a preexisting notion doesn't seem as grating as it would be if that line were the point where Fry first learned that Leela was "abandoning him."
I thought their argument was interesting, and it drove home the point that Philip completely overshadowed his brother in almost every possible aspect, even moreso than the "Mars conversation" that occurred earlier. With everything that's been going on in this story I'd admit I'd disregarded Yancy feeling underwhelmed by his own accomplishments, and this was a strong reminder of that fact.
I loved Neena's explosion at the end of that lounge; moreso because it terrified Yancy yet left Philip almost completely nonplussed. I suppose he's just used to it by this point. :p
Vek. I shouldn't be surprised by this anymore, but with every update I find more and more reasons to loathe him.
The altered ship controls were nice. I knew Vek had screwed around with the ship and made "adjustments", but it hadn't occurred to me that Farnsworth would have come up with a completely different design for the controls. It's only going to make it that much harder for Leela to one-up Vek; I thought it was a good curveball to throw at her.
Farnsworth and Yancy going back and forth about the science behind the parallel universes was hilarious. The ending was completely worth the headache Farnsworth's explanations gave me (not your fault; it's late at night in my corner of the world ).
I can't believe this story isn't finished yet. That isn't a complaint; when I told you "the more, the better," I really did mean that. I'm just impressed by how much you're able to add between the major plot points you outlined ages ago. The episode's breached 100 pages now, but reading through it doesn't feel like trudging through 100 pages of text; it's long, but it's so engrossing that you don't even notice the length. I'm going to be sad when this episode ends (ignoring the obvious plot details that'll spark such a reaction)... at least until you start episode 3.
Chris already brought up the Gunther shoutout, but I wanted to acknowledge the Calculon/"The Honking" callback as well. It's such a small detail, but it's a sharp reminder that quite a few events never happened because of what's different in this universe.
I do agree about the "misunderstanding" of that line feeling cliche. If you choose to change it, great; but I wasn't horribly bothered by it. I saw it as one in a series of unfortunate misunderstandings that have been occurring through this entire episode; using stock to enhance a preexisting notion doesn't seem as grating as it would be if that line were the point where Fry first learned that Leela was "abandoning him."
That "as well" sounds too formal to be coming out of Fry's mouth. I think "too" is a little more in character.Fry stared at the far door and grunted. “Now Neena knows as well.”
I thought their argument was interesting, and it drove home the point that Philip completely overshadowed his brother in almost every possible aspect, even moreso than the "Mars conversation" that occurred earlier. With everything that's been going on in this story I'd admit I'd disregarded Yancy feeling underwhelmed by his own accomplishments, and this was a strong reminder of that fact.
"it's" shouldn't have an apostrophe.Neena’s hand relaxed, along with her face, which lost it's manic caste
I loved Neena's explosion at the end of that lounge; moreso because it terrified Yancy yet left Philip almost completely nonplussed. I suppose he's just used to it by this point. :p
Vek. I shouldn't be surprised by this anymore, but with every update I find more and more reasons to loathe him.
All of the "Mr"s in this paragraph should be followed by a period. Actually, all of the "Mr"s in the story seem to be lacking it.“I’m afraid Mr Fry won’t be available for work with you today,” Neena replied, her voice officious and loud. She flashed a small pile of paperwork in front of Veklerov’s face as she continued. “My duties require that I perform a more in-depth interview with Mr Fry at the Assignment centre, which will take up most of the day. I’ve already apprised Mr Conrad of the situation.”
Smooth, Yankovich. XD“We’d better get out of here,” Neena said. She grabbed Yancy’s arm and backed away. “Thanks for, well, everything, I’d love to stay and chat but we’ve got... uh...”
“Plans,” Yancy finished. He fidgeted nervously and looked between Fry and Leela. “It’s not what you think. Whatever you think it is, it’s not, okay?”
I thought this was great. "Salacious grin;" it's so creepy and fitting.Veklerov muttered an agreement and stood to one side, waiting by the access ladder to the upper decks with a salacious grin.
She made him climb first.
The altered ship controls were nice. I knew Vek had screwed around with the ship and made "adjustments", but it hadn't occurred to me that Farnsworth would have come up with a completely different design for the controls. It's only going to make it that much harder for Leela to one-up Vek; I thought it was a good curveball to throw at her.
I would switch the "blank little job" to "little blank job" since the first two nouns he rattles off are also preceded by "little blank."“You have spirit,” he replied. “Lee- Neena has no spirit in her, she lives in her little blank apartment with her little blank life, goes to her blank little job and never does anything exciting with it all.”
Farnsworth and Yancy going back and forth about the science behind the parallel universes was hilarious. The ending was completely worth the headache Farnsworth's explanations gave me (not your fault; it's late at night in my corner of the world ).
“So really what you’re saying is, you haven’t a damn clue what’s going on?”
“Precisely!”
At first I was going to say that "petulant" seems a bit too elegant a word choice, even for Yancy, but then I wondered if this was supposed to be a callback to his brother's unusually vast vocabulary?“I hate to sound petulant but are we done yet?"
I'd drop the last two words. The audience already knows that we're seeing things from Yancy's perspective; saying that he's thinking these things seems redundant.He had a guitar slung over his back and a forehead that, to Yancy’s eye, looked like it could crush a small mammal. And two noses, which probably explained the permanently disgusted look on his face, Yancy thought.
In the show his name is Raoul (I don't think it's ever actually said on the show at any point, but somehow that's the name that ended up in the transcripts). I don't know if you meant to change it because this is a parallel universe or not.“You can imagine we don’t get out much,” the three-armed mutant said. He held out his hand for Yancy to take. “Richard
Yeah; Amy's slowly becoming my favorite character from the show in no small part due to this episode. The events of the movies have kind of pushed her into the spotlight of my mind, but I really like how you're portraying her in this story. She doesn't get enough love on the show, IMO, so seeing her character get a bit more development is refreshing.Ariel Ponywether wrote: Awed, as always - Amy's becoming my favorite.
I can't believe this story isn't finished yet. That isn't a complaint; when I told you "the more, the better," I really did mean that. I'm just impressed by how much you're able to add between the major plot points you outlined ages ago. The episode's breached 100 pages now, but reading through it doesn't feel like trudging through 100 pages of text; it's long, but it's so engrossing that you don't even notice the length. I'm going to be sad when this episode ends (ignoring the obvious plot details that'll spark such a reaction)... at least until you start episode 3.
"I was God once."
"Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died."
Bender and God, "Godfellas"
"Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died."
Bender and God, "Godfellas"
Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives
Yay! Wall o'text!
A couple of things. Yes, I called Roul Richard by accident. He felt like Richard for some reason. Already changed that.
Honk honk...
And as for the "mr" issue. I know the rules, but the convention in the last 20 years over here has tended toward ignoring the period on abbreviations. Yay the english language!
A couple of things. Yes, I called Roul Richard by accident. He felt like Richard for some reason. Already changed that.
Honk honk...
And as for the "mr" issue. I know the rules, but the convention in the last 20 years over here has tended toward ignoring the period on abbreviations. Yay the english language!
Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives
Oh, and I meant to bring these up in the last post but I accidentally skipped them:
"Lets" should have an apostrophe.If the worst comes to the worst I’ll just break his arm. Now lets go!”
"Leela" should be changed to "Neena."The professor indicated the patch of floor immediately before him. Leela and Yancy stepped onto it with a little apprehension
"Sckin" should be "skin."Despite the pallid sckin and obvious bad hygiene it was roughly a man
"I was God once."
"Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died."
Bender and God, "Godfellas"
"Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died."
Bender and God, "Godfellas"
Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives
Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
— Piet Hein - Grooks
— Piet Hein - Grooks
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives
As usual, Terry lags behind, heh!
But I have to echo the sentiments of those more studious than myself that this is a darned fine piece of fiction. I just finished part One and it was a real page-turner. I don't have much to add in the way of con-crit except for one little bitty thing:
That little quibble aside, an astounding story. And a great segueway to the next episode to boot! Can't wait to read the rest of it!
But I have to echo the sentiments of those more studious than myself that this is a darned fine piece of fiction. I just finished part One and it was a real page-turner. I don't have much to add in the way of con-crit except for one little bitty thing:
That little quibble aside, an astounding story. And a great segueway to the next episode to boot! Can't wait to read the rest of it!
"I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food." - Julia Child
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives
Sorry to bump the thread like this, but I was reading through your last update again and I caught some minor errors that I missed before:
The bolded parts contradict each other, and "focused" is misspelled.“Your turn.” Neena leaned forward again as she slipped her hand from Fry’s shoulder. At this range Fry could see his face reflected in her pupil, bringing back a flash memory of the last time he’d been this close to Leela’s face. That time, she’d been holding a gun in his mouth. He quickly looked away to break the image and coughed, nervous and tense for no real reason.
“It’s kinda hard to describe it.”
Neena’s hand tightened on Fry’s shoulder. She leaned forward until her eye was almost touching his face. The intensity of that huge, focussed stare brought a sheen of sweat to Fry’s brow. “Draw a map.”
"sohard" should be two words.She was probably asleep. Sometimes she worked sohard she forgot to rest.
"I was God once."
"Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died."
Bender and God, "Godfellas"
"Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died."
Bender and God, "Godfellas"
Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives
Nurtz. Thanks for spotting that.
Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
— Piet Hein - Grooks
— Piet Hein - Grooks
Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives
It's finally finished... 86,340 words, 140 pages. It's a bleedin novel! Aaaaaa...
A few notes:
I'm not 100% satisfied with the epilogue, though it has a certain sort of appeal to it. I'm trying to think of ways to re-write it. I may just leave it.
There are a few spots where action descriptions seem to be rather sparse or disjointed, due to being written late at night. If you see anything that looks like it could be made more descriptive, please tell me.
So, yeah. Don't be gentle, I have enough praise over at t'other places.
A few notes:
I'm not 100% satisfied with the epilogue, though it has a certain sort of appeal to it. I'm trying to think of ways to re-write it. I may just leave it.
There are a few spots where action descriptions seem to be rather sparse or disjointed, due to being written late at night. If you see anything that looks like it could be made more descriptive, please tell me.
So, yeah. Don't be gentle, I have enough praise over at t'other places.
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Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives
Holy flurk, it's done. I torn between excitement over seeing a completed draft and depression over... seeing a completed draft. Inanely long critique with aimless comments and nitpicks ahead:
Sticking the Wormulon attack scene (among other revelations) between Neena's discovery and her (later) reaction jarred me initially, but I don't think there's any other place you can put it, . Also, the rocky transition from the sewers to the planet works on some level given the circumstances of both scenes.
Unless you meant that the sun was being felt in the tunnels, in which case there should be a "was" between "felt" and "in the".
I'd just like to throw out for the dozenth time that I absolutely love how you write Farnsworth and that I found his whole reaction to Neena hilarious.
It probably doesn't matter, since my spell checker didn't pick it up, but I usually see it spelled "focused".... oh, I mentioned that in my last post. Nevermind.She tore her gaze from the female and her cigarette and focussed on the guitar player.
I think actually cried out, "NO!" when I read that the first time around.“Crap, I dropped my lighter in the lake!”
“I’ll get it,"
New Jersey never gets a break on this show, does it? Also, throughout most of the sewer scenes Raoul's name is misspelled as "Roul."Roul pointed down the short street to a small house, one that wouldn’t have looked out of place in downstate New Jersey if it hadn’t been so clean
"Tone" should be "to".She picked up the sign and tossed it tone one side before pressing her hand against the door.
I'm not sure "blast" needs to be capitalized; if you were trying to emphasize it I think bolding it would work just as well.“Oh, Blast,” Roul muttered.
Sticking the Wormulon attack scene (among other revelations) between Neena's discovery and her (later) reaction jarred me initially, but I don't think there's any other place you can put it, . Also, the rocky transition from the sewers to the planet works on some level given the circumstances of both scenes.
Wormulons should be capitalized.“The wormulons attacked me, that’s why we’re back so... so early.”
[Later]
She pointed out of the window at two very small wormulons who were supporting a standard sized rifle between them.
I would put a comma between "weapons" and "hitting" (whether it's actually needed or not may be another matter; I just think there should be a pause between those two words).The hull resounded to the sound of laser bolts, and now plasma weapons hitting its outer skin.
I would take out the first "at the ship" since you close the sentence with the revelation that they're hardly shooting at the ship at all.A line of baying, yelling Wormulons stared back at her, occasionally firing their weapons at the ship, or in the air, or even into the ground, but only rarely at the ship itself.
"Christmas" should be capitalized since it's a holiday name.A klaxon horn blared somewhere deep inside the ship and the panel before her lit up like a christmas tree
I liked the insight into Leela's opinion of how Fry handles space, but it feels as though it's missing a transition. I think it would work better to have her notice Fry's reaction to the situation and use that as a lead-in to the train of thought.She strapped herself in and turned to look at Fry.
It had always surprised Leela how well the kid had taken to space. *snip*
I love misleading tension jokes and I thought this one was set up well. It vaguely reminds me of the countdown/missed button joke from "A Big Piece of Garbage."“I’d say right about... now.” Fry looked up at the silence then down at the screen again. He frowned. “No, wait-”
I'm actually surprised that he didn't notice this during their earlier activities, but I love the implication that he had no idea what he was actually setting himself up for by egging her on until that moment.“Ah-heh, been working out have you?”
Scottish should be capitalized.You kept acting like I was in the way all the time and then when you were all over the scottish guy I sorta got mad
It seems redundant to use "shockwave" and "quake"; I think the line has the same effect if you use only one of the words.Leela’s voice disappeared in her throat. She could sense something, almost like a shockwave or a quake rushing toward her
I think this is an incomplete sentence, or I'm interpreting it wrong; "The crowd [...] was growing, slowly, but surely as the rise of the sun[...]," and then the sentence ends and I'm not sure if the sun is supposed to be doing something after that.The crowd at the end of the street was growing, slowly, but surely as the rise of the sun that never made its presence felt in the deep tunnels.
Unless you meant that the sun was being felt in the tunnels, in which case there should be a "was" between "felt" and "in the".
I think you should switch "would" with "could," though both technically work.“Neena...” what would he say, in the face of something like that?
Wrong Fry.Fry gave up and stared at his feet.
There should only be one "a".“I have a a gun!”
"Had" should be "hand."Her had was almost completely numb.
The sentence seems overly complicated; if you drop the "in the tunnel walls and roof" I think the visual still gets across.A shadow detached from an alcove in the far wall and stepped out into the dim light emanating from the downflow pipes and grates in the tunnel walls and roof.
One of the "and"s should be removed.Leela took a final drag from her cigarette and and tossed it aside.
I'm having a hard time imaging this expression; the closest I can come is a bastardization of the act closure from "Amazon Women" where Fry was rapidly switching expressions from sheer glee to sheer horror. If he's only half-smiling, I think that's enough of an implication that his heart isn't really into it and the "frowning" quip can be removed.Amy was... he glanced over at the intern and half-smiled, frowning at the same time.
Since it's being referred to as a location here, I think "hell" should be capitalized.Leela’s voice froze Fry’s mind for a brief moment, long enough to realise that he wasn’t in hell.
"He" should be "her".Leela nodded, making he way over to the cabin’s environmental control
"Bugallo" should be "buggalo".A moment later he heard the quiet hiss of his secret elevator as it disappeared into the ground, leaving an annoying hole where he had hoped to tread on his way to top up his bugallo cheese sample jar
"Janitor" shouldn't be capitalized.Farnsworth was just trying to remember why he felt he should be doing something about the Janitor when the elevator arrived
I'd just like to throw out for the dozenth time that I absolutely love how you write Farnsworth and that I found his whole reaction to Neena hilarious.
"He" should be "the".She had her arms wrapped around her body against the chilly air in he hangar and shivered,
There should only be one "him".A frustrated yell escaped her lips and she turned away from him him.
"Paraleela" should be "ParaLeela".“Yeah, but...” Fry stared at the Paraleela
[later]
They looked down at the unconscious Paraleela,
I would place a comma between "head" and "but".Then she leaped and spun, aiming a swift kick at Neena’s head but the other cyclops rallied faster
"Disappearing" should be "had disappeared".To Leela it had felt as if some remotely familiar part of herself disappearing down a long and distant tunnel.
There shouldn't be an "and".Outside, and Leela lingered in the tube station, trying to work out what she wanted to do
"I was God once."
"Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died."
Bender and God, "Godfellas"
"Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died."
Bender and God, "Godfellas"
Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives
Just for everyone's notice, there's a re-write in progress now... and I thought I'd finished!
Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives
Graham - as always, the story slays me. I keep repeating myself, but damn do I like it and have problems finding flaws. I back up Of. 1BDI on how much you've done with Yancy - quite envious of how well you've fleshed him out.
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy. Missy's good.)
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"