[work in progress] Parallel Lives

[Archonix]

Re-written ending, most of the little tweaks and things fixed up. I'm still thinking about some changes I might make to the epilogue. Possibly...

[Officer 1BDI]

I spent a while with the epilogue open, trying to figure out what song would best fit that scene.  Then some Rick Astley tune popped into my head. 

...Some things are just better left ambiguous (also, I clearly need to GTFO of the Internet).

Spoiler

Seriously, though, that was great.  I know his fiancée's been giving you a hell of a hard time when it comes to the epilogue and I think this is the most suitable compromise you could have arranged

Some more minor nitpicks:

Amy and Fry, both taking the hint, grabbed one arm and and walked her out of the room.

You have an extra "and".

Spoiler

A frustrated yell escaped her lips and she turned away from him. him. “Want something right, you gotta do it yourself,”

There should be only one "him" in the first sentence, and you should add "done" between "something" and "right" in the second sentence.

He took another step toward her, bringing him close enough to be able to toouch her outstretched arm.

"Toouch" should be "touch".  The second half of the sentence also seems choppy; I want to suggest dropping the "be able to," but then you'd be insinuating that he's actually touching her at this point. 

The tube deposited Leela right outside the hospital’s main entrance, proudly bearing he legend Ambulans Iubare

"He" should be "the".

Phil laughed and shook his head again. And that was was a strange thing too, so completely unlike the Philip Yancy had known all his life.

There should only be one "was" in the second sentence.

“The professor says my quantum thingummy will reset once I travel to the next universe. I’ll be  your dumb little brother again.” again.”

There's an extra "again" at the end.

Nothing had been disturbed here for a long time. A thick layer of dust stretched across the entire floor, disturbed only where they’d landed.

It seems repetitive to have two "disturbed"s so close together.

If... don’t let that happen to you, Yancy. If you’ve got a chance at love don’t screw it up like I did.

I'm a little confused by this because I don't feel that Phil actually did anything to "screw up" a relationship; I don't think he could help it if his wife was still holding a torch for his brother.  On the other hand, we have no idea what this Phil was like, so maybe he did screw things up.

The video froze on an image of Philip moving to stand up, reaching towar the camera as if it were the only thing left in his life.

"Towar" should be toward"

She smiled at the sight of him; the first real, hoenst smile she’d worn since her duplicates had left, if truth be told

"Hoenst" should be "honest".  I think you can do without "if truth be told" as well.

[Archonix]

That ending scene has driven me insane but I think this version is pretty much how I want it to be. I might have to tweak the timing a little, though; it doesn't flow very well at the moment.

And now, I'm also attempting to clear up some problems with the science stuff that limited my options in future episodes.

Spoiler

Short version: The quantum stuff is a two-way street, so if you have a sufficiently long enough time to spend in a particular universe you'll be altered, and also alter that universe, to the point where you can safely exist there, though there's always a remote chance you might do your collapsing thing anyway.

All of which sucks for Fry in this universe since it doesn't help him stay (poor guy), but which makes it easier to fiddle with things in the future. Or perhaps I'll just drop that idea entirely and pretend I never had it. Hey, The Simpsons' writers do it all the time!

Anyway, re-writing bits. This is why I never liked posting stories before I was done through to the end, because now I have to go back and edit the parts I've posted elsewhere... wheeee...

Spoiler

Better?

“I lost her, I lost you. From what I hear I’ve lost the chance at seeing an amazing future. It feels like everything I love has gone away from me in the end. If... don’t let that happen to you, Yancy. Don’t imagine you can go through life alone, ‘cause one day you'll get to the end of it and there won't be anyone waiting for you. If you’ve got even the tiniest chance to share your life with someone you grab hold of it, Yancy, and you never let go. I miss you, bro. I always will.”

[Archonix]

Last tweaks, barring any spelling mistakes...

* Archonix starts researching Rome

[Officer 1BDI]

Spoiler

Better?

“I lost her, I lost you. From what I hear I’ve lost the chance at seeing an amazing future. It feels like everything I love has gone away from me in the end. If... don’t let that happen to you, Yancy. Don’t imagine you can go through life alone, ‘cause one day you'll get to the end of it and there won't be anyone waiting for you. If you’ve got even the tiniest chance to share your life with someone you grab hold of it, Yancy, and you never let go. I miss you, bro. I always will.”

Much.  Not that the first bit was bad, but I think this revised version fits the scene better.

[c_nordlander]

First of all: I like the ending. But you knew that.

More specific comments, all on the latest version of course.

The walk through the sewers is appropriately nightmarish.

Typo: "jogged a few stops" should be "steps".

Yancy made sure his approach was loud, just so Neena wouldn’t be shocked when he arrived at her side again.

An excellent bit of description.

The mutants have lots of funny moments. In fact, the whole mutant city scene is excellently written. It's nice to have Yancy as the viewpoint character, as well. Makes him a bit more central.

Typo: "eh found Vyolet and Dwayne".

To be continued (I don't know how much I need to say about the scene where Fry returns to the ship, since I've already commented on that). But it's certainly a good fic.

[c_nordlander]

Further stuff:

Spacing typo: "gone?No". Also, you should have a comma after the "No".

You have a very good description of Leela waking up. I don't think I'll bother pointing out all the good stuff (the good stuff doesn't need help, after all). Just be aware that you have it.

A slight continuity problem. At one point, you have: "Vek was still asleep. Snoring." However, a few paragraphs later at the end of the scene: "The man started to snore." You probably need to fix that.

I laughed at the split Wormulons, and Leela's gibe at Veklerov.

Oh, and I love the word "leonine". I don't see it used very often.

Good characterisation of everyone here, particularly Leela and Fry.

I'm fairly sure "grit" is a regular verb, so it should be "Leela gritted her teeth", not "grit her teeth".

manoeuvred them away from the fighters though, fortunately for Leela’s side,

I believe you need a comma before "though".

I'm kind of disappointed Leela doesn't hit Veklerov when he insults her the last time and crosses the limit. It would make for a fun reversal of the whole big masculine hero saves the uppity woman trope, that she can beat him up even with an injured leg. However, the way you've written the scene still makes the point (that she throws him off the controls and saves the day). I guess I just want her to smack him.

Typo: "It handled a differently" should be "a bit".

I think "Rolling just a bit" should be added to the end of the previous sentence instead of being a separate sentence.

She pushed the engines to full power, drawing the planet and the fight away

I feel you need another verb than "drawing" there, since it kind of implies that they're pulling the planet and the battle with them. No real suggestions, though.

Kind of a minor point, but I like how Fry got to fire the turrets. He seems to be good at it. Also Amy's reaction to his return.

Typo: "bowelled over" should be "bowled".

Disgusted that she had ever fallen for him, Leela pushed Veklerov away

Might be a case of telling instead of showing, though it's not too bad. Up to you whether to keep it. (Well, everything is, but you know what I mean.)

I like how in your fics, Leela often thinks of Fry as "the kid". It feels very appropriate.

I really like Leela and Fry talking things over. It's very un-melodramatic, and they both come across as sensible adults (or as much so as is in character for them). Fry's naked confusion and distress feel very in character.

Leela feeling

Spoiler

the repercussions of Neena finding her dead parents

is an extremely dramatic scene. It terrified *me*, and I still knew what it was about. Also feels very symbolic that she

Spoiler

punched Fry

. I think I can guess who made the "period" joke, too. Nice bit of comic relief (well, jerkass relief, really).

To be continued with the next Yancy and Neena scene.

[c_nordlander]

Continuing:

The scene in the sewers is very good. I've said this before, but I like the way you've fleshed out mutant culture, with the whole quasi-Puritan reserved, sons of the soil thing. Neena's breakdown is well written.

The smoke curling from her mouth and nose as she breathed out lent her an almost demonic seductiveness.

I love this sentence.

The mutant blinked in surprise at the sudden escalation of the situation.

Might be a bit too much telling instead of showing.

When she looked at the functional side her face seemed to freeze, hardening into a pale, stony neutrality.

Another awesome description. You have quite a lot of those here.

Typo: "out of site" should be "sight".

I like the little detail of Yancy calling her "Neena".

that didn’t make any more sense than the idea Phil had been.

I think you should add a "that" after "idea".

All of Leela’s life was here laid out in stark monochrome.

Would be better with a comma after "here". Otherwise, great descriptions.

Yancy strolled along the street to the cowering crowd of mutants at the far end, hold his hands out in case they thought he was going to shoot them or something.

I like it, but "hold" should be "holding".

Nice hint with Vyolet having Evila's cigarettes. I also like Vyolet referring to the Leelas as "alien mutant wannabes".

Spoiler

Neena's going completely insane is... terrifying. And very well written; probably some of the best writing in this fic. Nice little Venture Brothers (etc.) callback, too.

She’s snapped, he thought sadly.

I think "sadly" is really redundant.

She set off up the tunnel, whistling a song he’d never heard before, splashing her way through the muck of the sewers in a way that seemed inappropriately happy.

Awesome.

Typo: "A matched flared to life" should be "match".

Nice, subtle segue to the next scene.

Typo: "getting home as fat as possible".

but, this wasn’t home.

I think you need a comma before the "but".

Fry's inner voice and thoughts are wonderful and in character.

Again, a creepy turn of events.

Spoiler

I love how it leads on from the mention of "his" grave earlier.

Spoiler

Fry's dream/near-death experience is wonderfully poignant and scary. And, most importantly perhaps, short enough to be suggestive.

I like his waking up, too.

Try not to die again.”

Excellent. In fact, so is this whole scene.

Nice "The Sting" ref.

I've probably said this before, but I admire Leela putting herself down so as not to badmouth Fry in front of Amy.

Nice, tense set-up for the final confrontation. Farnsworth's reaction makes for great comic relief.

Heh, Leela gets to rip off her shirt! Being the heroic captain of this trek among the stars and all...

until the wound was completely covered, though not absolutely sealed.

Two adverbs to two verbs seems a bit much. I'd take out "completely".

and just stared into the distance.

"just" could probably go.

Typo: "tick" should be "tic" (as in a facial tic).

To be concluded.

[c_nordlander]

OK, continuing:

I like

Spoiler

Evila mumbling in Hindi (?) when she sees Neena.

“Want something right, you gotta do it yourself,”

I think you should have "*done* right", unless you mean for Evila to speak in a slightly unusual way.

You have Yancy thinking of Evila as "this new dark Leela" twice. Once is good, but I'd change the second time it occurs.

I really like Yancy's saving Fry. It's possible that there's a bit of showing instead of telling, though: for example in "a belligerent yell escaped his lips", I'm not sure the adjective is needed (much as I like that word).

turned and punched Yancy in the gut then whacked him across the side of his head with the butt of her pistol.

Should have a comma after "gut", unless this is intentional. It kind of works.

I like Yancy's reaction to Evila screaming.

He reached he locker after a seconds that seemed like an eternity,

Typoes: "he locker" and "a seconds". Also, "seemed like an eternity" is a bit of a cliché.

“That better be the last of them,” he muttered,

I find that line hilarious.

Nice subversion of the expectation of Evila waking up.

Then she leaped and spun, aiming a swift kick at Neena’s head but the other cyclops rallied

Needs a comma after "head".

It was only after he’d hit the ground that he realised who the blur had been

Needs a full stop. (Again, unless it's meant to be abrupt.)

Typo: "hen hand" should be "her".

The climax of the battle is, of course, very poignant and well-written.

his expression unreadable as hers.

I think it should be "as unreadable as hers".

I like the little detail of Leela taking a shirt from the locker.

as if some remotely familiar part of herself disappearing down a long and distant tunnel

Should be "was disappearing". Great description, all of it.

“Oh, eventually, no doubt...” he took off the odd helmet-and-lens contraption

I think "he" should be capitalised. The next bit made me laugh.

Spelling: "descendent" should be "descendant".

I've probably said this before, but the business with the scar is really sweet and touching.

To be continued.

[c_nordlander]

I like Veklerov quitting. It makes a lot of sense.

Very nice touch with the fact that Yancy isn't used to what 31st century medicine can do.

Not an error, but a bit of an inconsistency: you usually spell "focussed" with two S's, but here you have "unfocused" with one. Sticking to one spelling is usually best.

I've said this before, but Neena's nightmare is excellent and horrifying.

I also like Neena understanding what Leela means, even though Yancy doesn't.

She felt a terrible dread descend around her, like a shroud falling over her shoulders.

Beautiful.

Typo: "wiling".

The events occurring to Fry are truly creepy, and the Professor's infodump manages to be both funny and accessible. Again, I think it's very good that you had Fry being conscious and in on this discussion.

I still love the "cumulative" joke.

“But it has to be now.”
I’ve modified the, uh, modifications I made to your scanner, Leela. They should be able to give you a good idea of how long you’ll last in a given universe before your waveforms begin to collapse. It should also be able to tell you when you reach your own universe again. Now...”

Since all of this is the Professor's speech, you shouldn't have the quotation marks at the end of the previous line.

Fry's conversation with Yancy is very good, and his maturity makes sense and doesn't get him out of character. Yancy's great, too. I love the "Last Crusade" joke. The ending of the scene is very sweet.

The epilogue:

Neena's characterisation is very good here. An appropriate mixture of vulnerability and strength.

Typo: "is was" should be "it was".

Fry's recorded speech is good, though it occasionally feels a bit clichéd. Not necessarily the substance (it's pretty universal, after all), just some of the expressions used. Your mileage may vary. The ending is very sweet and non-tacky.

Typo: "he frozen image" should be "the".

I still love Yancy deciding not to see the tape from Laura.

The new ending... well, I thought the old one was very sweetly written and emotive, but I still think this new one is an improvement. As other reviewers has pointed out, it actually has Yancy becoming prepared to meet the future, rather than retreating into his old life. I also like how you're not over-obviously setting him up with Neena: there's the potential for romance there, but they're giving it the time it needs. And yes, they do make a very nice couple.

So, this was one heck of a read. I'll save more substantial comments for the final version, but this had a lot for it: a solid Yancy appearance (I like Yancy), drama, action, clever plotting, great characterisation of all the mains, and some frightfully well-written nastiness. I particularly liked the whole sewers section and Neena's breakdown. Evila is still a cool villain, and you keep showing more glimpses of her motives. On a lighter note, Veklerov is a funny (if incredibly annoying) character. I hope he becomes a mainstay of this saga.

The

Spoiler

murder of Neena's parents

was suitably shocking, but I'm glad that, unlike in the previous fic,

Spoiler

the final shoot-out was played out without anyone dying.

Highly recommended to those who haven't read it.

[Archonix]

Just recording notes if anyone wants to have a peek at them. Spoilered obviously.

Spoiler

So the idea I have now for the SeaLeela universe is that, far from being caused by the events of Crimes of the Hot, the flooding on earth is caused by Mom sending someone through to another universe in one of the Professor's boxes and having them dump the other end in a deep ocean. Why? Evil Genius! But seriously the plot was to create a race of pliable mutant workers who could be able to work in a highly toxic environment, and part of this required getting rid of he competition and the observances of the DOOP, who evacuated and abandoned Earth after it seemed like the planet was being racked by environmental catastrophes and mutations and such.

The part about the goop being washed out of the sewers of NNY remains. Other parts of the world aren't affected by the mutations yet, but then there aren't that many people living there to be affected by it anyway.

The risen oceans have altered the planet's atmosphere, making things generally warmer and wetter and giving more space for tropical storms to build up to huge and scary speeds.

Unfortunately for Mom, she was caught in a little accident with the mutagenic soup and turned into a mutant herself, but she doesn't mind too much. It lets her pretend to be more sympathetic with the people she's mutated already. Now her plan is to release a huge cloud of the toxic goop into the atmosphere so she can start a planet-wide processing facility for various highly toxic industries without having to worry about silly things like nature.

The sewer mutants generally formed into a menagerie of bizarre sea-creatures with a few outliers like Leela, who remained relatively unchanged. The surface-dwellers who were mutated have turned into a sort of stock species of seapeople - again, except for a few outliers, like Mom herself, with her symbiotic fatsuit thing wot I 'ave nicked from Beb.

Leela's form has made her generally an outcast from her own people, and resented by the former surface-dwellers who remember her earlier work fighting for mutant rights.

THIS BIT: Yet despite that she's managed to attain a relatively high status in the underwater society which is heavily stratified based on how human you still look - except for Mom of course. Typical nazi. Leela wants to retain the stability she's acquired after the upheaval of the previous years, which has returned her to the general status quo of the series, but with gills.

And of course Fry and Leela arriving threaten to blow it all out of the water, so to speak.

[c_nordlander]

This is kind of superfluous, but I'm really looking forward to this story. You have a very interesting world-building going on here.