Review: The Fire Priestess

Futurama and The Simpsons fan fiction have been the staple of the Simpsons and Futurama Fanworks Central since its inception.
Forum rules
Things to remember when posting:
  • If you want a review please place REVIEW: at the start of the topic line
  • There may be some time between you posting and people replying, as our members do their utmost to read through a fic before telling you want they think
  • Reviews must be made with good grace and politeness. "It sucks" isn't a review.
  • Finally, please try to stay on topic. :)
Locked
User avatar
Gulliver63
Sub-sector Control Officer's Assistant
Sub-sector Control Officer's Assistant
Posts: 1360
Joined: Wed Jun 23, 2010 10:21 pm
Location: Indianapolis
Contact:

Review: The Fire Priestess

Post by Gulliver63 » Wed Jan 11, 2012 3:13 pm

It is hard for me to believe that this project started over 6 months ago by just a simple pencil doodle that I did at my art desk. I just had to do one more alternate universe Leela story before I moved on to other projects. This story takes us back to Leela's homeworld of Cyclon, where she struggles to keep her manor house going - this is made all the more difficult because she can only be there for several weeks at a time. As is typical of my stories, she is always torn between the place of her people, and her real home on Earth. It is on one of these visits to Cyclon that she ends up becoming part of an ancient prophecy concerning the cyclops people. She also runs across the "mutant" part of her population, who were unfortunate enough to be born with two eyes instead of one. I'd like to thank Mike for a great sketch that I was able to use, and again thank my co-worker Robert Stewart for some great ideas along the way. Enjoy!
Attachments
Fire Priestess pics (1).doc
(1.16 MiB) Downloaded 5750 times
Fire Priestess Cover.jpg
"We are today's creatures, locked in tomorrow's double feature..."
David Bowie
User avatar
c_nordlander
Insane Underling
Insane Underling
Posts: 12824
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
Custom Title: We have space marines at home
Location: not a place of honour

Re: Review: The Fire Priestess

Post by c_nordlander » Sun Jan 15, 2012 11:15 pm

Typoes and grammar nitpicks: "a lousy night sleep" should be "a lousy night's sleep"; "bounded off of the ship" doesn't need the "of".

An engrossing story, and the pacing is very good. It strikes me that your writing style has improved: it has a dignity to it, feels quite descriptive, and some of the dialogue is very powerful. You've worked in some nice low-key humour without compromising the drama, too.

The little bits with Amy and Fry at the beginning and end avert a problem I had with "The Nameless": that it was basically an original science fiction story with some Futurama names tacked on. Admittedly, this one is also rather removed from the regular show (with Leela being the only canonical character with a large part), but that's not necessarily a flaw. Like I said when reviewing "The Last Turanga", I do like that you didn't have Leela cutting her ties with Cyclon, but is still going there and maintaining the family grounds.

Some scenes are very dramatic and effective. I like the scene where Leela finds that
Spoiler
It is extremely well-written. The bit at the ending where
Spoiler
is very nice, too. Brother Jaco gets some scenes that are emotional without being manipulative.

There are no really big problems with the story. I thought Zarabeth wasn't particularly interesting as a villain, but she has a motivation and works. Though it does feel like there was some plot element that was dropped: Leela mistaking her for Mom made me wonder if she was going to turn out to be a relative or a clone of Mom, but that was never referred to again. I did like that Leela pointed out that Omniversalism didn't actually endorse Zarabeth's actions, showing that it's she who is evil, rather than her religion,
Spoiler
A fairly small nitpick: I think that Leela has gone a bit too native in this fic. For example, there's the way she keeps using the Cyclon language. She swears in it when she's alone... fair enough, I sometimes swear in English now that I've been living here for years, so I'll let that pass. But her calling the travellers "Hoo-mani" when she thinks they're humans jars with me. She's grown up on a planet of humans, and she can't use the English word for them? It feels odd.

My biggest problem is the sensation that you idolise the cyclopes at the expense of humans. It's never stated outright, mind you, but there seem to be hints of it throughout the story. Leela was never religious while on Earth, but once she went to Cyclon she started practicing their religion. We're told that Jaco "despised her [Zarabeth's] race"; I wouldn't have any problem with this, except that this seems to be treated as a sympathetic trait rather than plain racism. If he'd had any extensive experience of humans colonising his world, I'd have no trouble with it, but so far the colonisation attempts have been just that, attempts. Zarabeth is a bad apple, but he should realise that she isn't representative of her species. (If anything, I'd expect him to feel more resentment towards his own people, who have after all cast him out of their society for no fault of his.) All of this just seems to add up to the cyclopes coming across as more awesome and morally justified than the humans.

The end of the conflict in the village (when the cyclopes attack the humans) felt a bit like it's been done. Don't get me wrong: I thought Leela did the right thing, and had some good lines in the process. It just wasn't particularly exciting. Also, once more, humans come off badly: I like that you had the cyclopes being irrationally resentful towards them, showing that they're not so superior, but
Spoiler
The interaction of the human soldiers also has a few clichéd lines.

The illustrations are excellent. I especially like the lighting on the title card.

All in all, this is a very well-written fic, with a dramatic plot and some emotional moments, but it was brought down a bit in my esteem by a one-dimensionally evil villain, and the feeling that narration treated the cyclopes as naturally better than the humans. My score: B
Last edited by c_nordlander on Mon Feb 27, 2012 10:36 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Pretty little baby
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon


-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"

Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me for more information.
User avatar
Gulliver63
Sub-sector Control Officer's Assistant
Sub-sector Control Officer's Assistant
Posts: 1360
Joined: Wed Jun 23, 2010 10:21 pm
Location: Indianapolis
Contact:

Re: Review: The Fire Priestess

Post by Gulliver63 » Sun Jan 15, 2012 11:59 pm

Thanks very much for the compliment - it makes me feel good to be told that I'm improving at what I do. I'm only planning on releasing one more Futurama story, as I've felt that I need to do something different. I feel like I'm whipping these things together like a cooking recipe or something. I'm glad that you liked the welding - you would laugh to find out that I demonstrated it for Robert Stewart in our guardhouse with a metal broom. The "reach out and touch someone" comment from old Sarge Erik was actually something we used to bat around in the army in the 80's. The Zarabeth pencil sketch is one I did in a hotel lobby in Chicago a couple of months ago. The Amy "Wax your board" comment was something I told someone nearly 20 years ago at work. The council meeting was a scene that I've been wanting to do for some time. Kaspired gave me the great piece of advice of having Matron Zursa make several appearances - I originally only had her show up just once.

I'll be releasing one more Futurama story in the show canon, and then I'm off to do other projects; I would do a request if someone wanted to see something. I actually started a Simpsons story, but it's sort of in limbo for now. I also have a VB story which I might be working on again. And I have an off-topic treatment that I may post at some point. It's scary to think about writing new stuff, but it's a good kind of scary. Hopefully I can continue to grow. Thanks again. :fry
"We are today's creatures, locked in tomorrow's double feature..."
David Bowie
Locked