- New SNPP Employee
- Posts: 40
- Joined: Fri Apr 13, 2007 6:29 pm
- Location: ~/earth/northamerica/usa/michigan/lansing
- (22.41 KiB) Downloaded 396 times
— Piet Hein - Grooks
— Piet Hein - Grooks
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
- Insane Underling
- Posts: 11853
- Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
- Custom Title: Content Superspreader
This is well-written! It's an arresting opening.
"How, and more importantly, why, he wondered did his life keep imploding on him like this." This needs a comma after "wondered".
Typoes: "liked he'd never known before". Also, "womens clothing" needs an apostrophe.
The ending of the first scene (leading up to the flashback) feels a bit cliché. I mean, it's a well-written line, but it still feels like a bit of a well-worn way to lead into a flashback. Your call, I guess.
"Tour de farce" is genius. The good writing continues with the description of the opera's ending. Very quiet, yet emotive.
Typo: "But after moment" needs an "a".
Should have a comma rather than a full stop after the dialogue line."Good night Fry." Leela said softly
"She laid there, consciousness slowly returning, like the light of sunrise filtering into a clearing in the forest, some areas gathering illumination, others remaining in gloom." I really like the writing here, it's beautiful, but it feels like the sentence is very long and has a lot of commas. (I realise I'm not the one to talk about this.) I don't really know how to fix it, though. I guess it's not bad.
"She sat up suddenly, fully awake, a sudden shock registering on her mind" Having "suddenly" and "sudden" in short succession gets a bit repetitive. You might want to cut out the "sudden".
Multiple question marks and exclamation marks come off as a bit silly, but again, that's up to you.
I really love "the constriction of panic rising in her chest". Excellent description.
While I have some problems with Leela's reaction (as see below), the whole scene in the apartment corridor is very much like the show's humour. Especially Hattie's (I assume it's Hattie) line made me giggle, and I like how Fry gets out of the scrape. Nice little appearance of Smitty and URL, too.
Like Graham and Missy, I think the only problem here is Leela's reaction.
Apart from that and the couple of writing-related nitpicks above, I don't have any problems with this story. The writing is great with an awesome opening scene, the comedy is show-quality, and everyone is in character. Especially Fry feels excellently characterised. The bit recapping the ending of the opera made me quite emotional, too.
I can definitely see this going somewhere. And the main problem I had with it (Leela flipping out at Fry) wasn't that big. I mean, it feels over the top, but it's not catastrophic.
Put me to the test;
I'd love to lay this rivalry to rest!
-- "You're Only Second Rate", The Return of Jafar