FIC [Wavingverse] The Dive From Krustofski's Pier
- missy_misery
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Re: FIC [Wavingverse] The Dive From Krustofski's Pier
Next Part!
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- Krustoffskis3.rtf
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Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy. Missy's good.)
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
- c_nordlander
- Insane Underling
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Re: FIC [Wavingverse] The Dive From Krustofski's Pier
Typo: "which were crab's legs" shouldn't be capitalised. Great sentence otherwise.
Great writing in this scene. Krusty has some great lines; I like how you've managed to make him acerbic while still affectionate towards his daughter. The atmosphere is great.
Slight style nitpick: you have "blast" twice in two sentences; I think one of them could probably be changed to a synonym. That's a very minor nitpick, though, so you do as you feel.
Good ending to the scene.
So yeah, except for that tiny nitpick, this is really well-written. I'm particularly impressed with the scenery description and the atmosphere.
Great writing in this scene. Krusty has some great lines; I like how you've managed to make him acerbic while still affectionate towards his daughter. The atmosphere is great.
Slight style nitpick: you have "blast" twice in two sentences; I think one of them could probably be changed to a synonym. That's a very minor nitpick, though, so you do as you feel.
Good ending to the scene.
So yeah, except for that tiny nitpick, this is really well-written. I'm particularly impressed with the scenery description and the atmosphere.
Pretty little baby
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon
-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"
Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me for more information.
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon
-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"
Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me for more information.
- missy_misery
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- Posts: 2461
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Re: FIC [Wavingverse] The Dive From Krustofski's Pier
Thank you so much! I'm shooting for the right balance between affection and in-character!
Will fix up typos and be back with more soon!
Will fix up typos and be back with more soon!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy. Missy's good.)
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
- missy_misery
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Re: FIC [Wavingverse] The Dive From Krustofski's Pier
Next one!
- Attachments
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- Krustoffskis4.rtf
- (35.83 KiB) Downloaded 290 times
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy. Missy's good.)
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
- c_nordlander
- Insane Underling
- Posts: 12824
- Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
- Custom Title: We have space marines at home
- Location: not a place of honour
Re: FIC [Wavingverse] The Dive From Krustofski's Pier
Typoes: "Jim Morrison and I moaned Nipsey Russell" should perhaps be "mooned"? (otherwise I can't really make sense of the grammar).
The opening of this part is absolutely hilarious.
"Sophie muttered in exasperation" feels a bit like telling instead of showing, but at the same time the "in exasperation" might be needed. Your call, really.
The rest of the dialogue is great as well, for both characters, and you've got Krusty's voice down pat. "Well, it's not my ocean" is a great line.
Not much to say about this; it's a really short section. But Krusty and Sophie are in character, you evoke a nice bit of emotion *and* comedy, and other than my one comment about "exasperation", I don't see anything negative here.
The opening of this part is absolutely hilarious.
"Sophie muttered in exasperation" feels a bit like telling instead of showing, but at the same time the "in exasperation" might be needed. Your call, really.
The rest of the dialogue is great as well, for both characters, and you've got Krusty's voice down pat. "Well, it's not my ocean" is a great line.
Not much to say about this; it's a really short section. But Krusty and Sophie are in character, you evoke a nice bit of emotion *and* comedy, and other than my one comment about "exasperation", I don't see anything negative here.
Pretty little baby
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon
-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"
Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me for more information.
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon
-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"
Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me for more information.
- missy_misery
- Sector Control Officer
- Posts: 2461
- Joined: Sun Sep 17, 2006 1:04 am
Re: FIC [Wavingverse] The Dive From Krustofski's Pier
Yep, it should be mooned!
I'll fix that before the final version goes out; thank you so much, Chris!
I'll fix that before the final version goes out; thank you so much, Chris!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy. Missy's good.)
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
- missy_misery
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- Posts: 2461
- Joined: Sun Sep 17, 2006 1:04 am
Re: FIC [Wavingverse] The Dive From Krustofski's Pier
And here's the final chapter!
- Attachments
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- Krustofskis5.rtf
- (35.63 KiB) Downloaded 282 times
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy. Missy's good.)
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
- c_nordlander
- Insane Underling
- Posts: 12824
- Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
- Custom Title: We have space marines at home
- Location: not a place of honour
Re: FIC [Wavingverse] The Dive From Krustofski's Pier
Ooh, I've been looking forward to this! *reads* OK, we're off to a good start with that pie joke.
Typo? The sentence "This was her family's" seems to end in mid-sentence.
"watch Krusty cavort" should be "watched"
Typo: "mench" should be "mensch"
*LOL* e-stogie. Another good joke.
Overall, no complaints, other than the couple of typoes above.
~
To sum up? A very low-key story, without much heavy-duty drama, but that's not a bad thing. It's as well-written as all your stuff. Sophie is a character who's rarely seen in fanfiction, and Krusty's characterisation really shines here: his heart is on display for once, but it's still definitely Krusty. Some good nature descriptions in the earlier sections, as well.
I don't have anything negative to say about it. Apart from fixing up some typoes, I think this is pretty much as good as it can be.
Typo? The sentence "This was her family's" seems to end in mid-sentence.
"watch Krusty cavort" should be "watched"
Typo: "mench" should be "mensch"
*LOL* e-stogie. Another good joke.
Overall, no complaints, other than the couple of typoes above.
~
To sum up? A very low-key story, without much heavy-duty drama, but that's not a bad thing. It's as well-written as all your stuff. Sophie is a character who's rarely seen in fanfiction, and Krusty's characterisation really shines here: his heart is on display for once, but it's still definitely Krusty. Some good nature descriptions in the earlier sections, as well.
I don't have anything negative to say about it. Apart from fixing up some typoes, I think this is pretty much as good as it can be.
Pretty little baby
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon
-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"
Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me for more information.
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon
-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"
Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me for more information.
- missy_misery
- Sector Control Officer
- Posts: 2461
- Joined: Sun Sep 17, 2006 1:04 am
Re: FIC [Wavingverse] The Dive From Krustofski's Pier
Thank you so much Chris! I'm glad you liked it!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy. Missy's good.)
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
Creator of the Waving Universe
Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"