OPINIONS: Wintering

Did you write something for the Simpsons, Futurama, original fiction or another fandom? Feel free to post it here!
User avatar
c_nordlander
Insane Underling
Insane Underling
Posts: 11733
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
Custom Title: Grey Sketch

Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Post by c_nordlander » Mon Dec 30, 2019 8:20 pm

Comments on Chapter 12:

Nice start to the chapter, nice bit of misdirection and well-written as usual.

Typo: "spikey" should be "spiky" (I had to look it up to be sure)

I laughed at Homer's line.

Typoes: "selfness" should be "selfless"; "and before left" needs a "she". Also, in "but because even though she died, Wilbur and his friends will never forget her," the "because" doesn't seem to make sense.

The whole dialogue between Bart, Marge and Homer is great. Homer's story about crying at the cinema feels exactly like something he'd say on the show, and Bart's response are hilarious. Oh, there are too many funny lines to point out. And Marge has some very good and emotional lines.

It strikes me that Homer calls Bart "son" a lot in this scene, more than I recall him doing on the show. Maybe cut one instance of it or so, or change it to "Bart" or "boy."

The last paragraph should be in the past tense.

The dialogue between Bart and Lisa is good. Especially Lisa's voice is perfect. However, it feels like a line has dropped out before "“You’re just mad at me because I laughed at you for crying,” Lisa said."

Bart's response is very funny.

Very good chapter ending. The trip is a great idea (and Ned's dialogue and actions are beautifully written in that part), and Lisa's concern about the quality of the script is very much in character for her.


Chapter 13:

Whoa, *good* scene between Lisa and Ned at the start. I have nothing to add. Fun to see a bit of a, not necessarily bad, but less likable side to Ned Flanders; that's pretty rare. And he's still in character.

Skinner's talk with Bart is good, and the description of Edna from Bart's POV is great, simple but perfect.

Edna is perfectly in character too, for the few lines she has.

No, *this* is the best chapter ending.

All in all, I have very little constructive criticism, other than the typoes I caught. Everyone is incredibly well written, the conflict comes through without being over-emphasised or melodramatic, and Edna's final line to Skinner sets it up nicely. I'm just really happy to be reading this: best of luck with the next part!
Are you really gonna take it like that?
Riding on the missile with a cowboy hat?

Oh, well the world is gonna end
So dance around the fire that we once believed in
Oh, wanna tear it down again, now
'Cause there's nothing left for us to bleed
Give it up, the sons of anarchy
So come around and have another round on me!

DANCE, F***ER, DANCE, LET THE MOTHERF***ER BURN!


-- The Offspring, "Slim Pickens Does the Right Thing and Rides the Bomb to Hell"
User avatar
missy_misery
Sector Control Officer
Sector Control Officer
Posts: 2281
Joined: Sun Sep 17, 2006 1:04 am

Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Post by missy_misery » Mon Mar 16, 2020 6:18 am

Thank you so much! I'm super proud of this fic!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
Post Reply