OPINIONS: Wintering

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c_nordlander
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Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Post by c_nordlander » Mon Dec 30, 2019 8:20 pm

Comments on Chapter 12:

Nice start to the chapter, nice bit of misdirection and well-written as usual.

Typo: "spikey" should be "spiky" (I had to look it up to be sure)

I laughed at Homer's line.

Typoes: "selfness" should be "selfless"; "and before left" needs a "she". Also, in "but because even though she died, Wilbur and his friends will never forget her," the "because" doesn't seem to make sense.

The whole dialogue between Bart, Marge and Homer is great. Homer's story about crying at the cinema feels exactly like something he'd say on the show, and Bart's response are hilarious. Oh, there are too many funny lines to point out. And Marge has some very good and emotional lines.

It strikes me that Homer calls Bart "son" a lot in this scene, more than I recall him doing on the show. Maybe cut one instance of it or so, or change it to "Bart" or "boy."

The last paragraph should be in the past tense.

The dialogue between Bart and Lisa is good. Especially Lisa's voice is perfect. However, it feels like a line has dropped out before "“You’re just mad at me because I laughed at you for crying,” Lisa said."

Bart's response is very funny.

Very good chapter ending. The trip is a great idea (and Ned's dialogue and actions are beautifully written in that part), and Lisa's concern about the quality of the script is very much in character for her.


Chapter 13:

Whoa, *good* scene between Lisa and Ned at the start. I have nothing to add. Fun to see a bit of a, not necessarily bad, but less likable side to Ned Flanders; that's pretty rare. And he's still in character.

Skinner's talk with Bart is good, and the description of Edna from Bart's POV is great, simple but perfect.

Edna is perfectly in character too, for the few lines she has.

No, *this* is the best chapter ending.

All in all, I have very little constructive criticism, other than the typoes I caught. Everyone is incredibly well written, the conflict comes through without being over-emphasised or melodramatic, and Edna's final line to Skinner sets it up nicely. I'm just really happy to be reading this: best of luck with the next part!
Say hello to the rug's topography
It holds quite a lot of interest with your face down on it.
Say hello to the shrinking in your head
You can't see it, but you know it's there, so don't neglect it.


-- Failure, "The Nurse Who Loved Me"
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Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Post by missy_misery » Mon Mar 16, 2020 6:18 am

Thank you so much! I'm super proud of this fic!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

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Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Post by missy_misery » Thu Jul 09, 2020 11:52 pm

And since this is more of a reworking of chapter 13 with an extra scene, see above for a fresh scene leading into the next chapter - which should arrive fairly soonish!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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c_nordlander
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Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Post by c_nordlander » Sat Jul 11, 2020 8:12 pm

Thank you for the heads-up. The new scene is good, with both Seymour and Edna in character. Especially Edna is just sizzling in every line she has, I don't know how you write her so well. The writing style feels quite simple in this chapter, but that's not a negative. It just lets the emotions come to the fore, without getting melodramatic.
Spoiler
A couple of technical nitpicks: "Bart shook his head" would be better on a new line rather than coming right after Skinner's line of dialogue; "things I didn’t want to feel,Edna" is missing a space.

As usual, I want the next chapter now. :)
Say hello to the rug's topography
It holds quite a lot of interest with your face down on it.
Say hello to the shrinking in your head
You can't see it, but you know it's there, so don't neglect it.


-- Failure, "The Nurse Who Loved Me"
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missy_misery
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Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Post by missy_misery » Tue Jul 21, 2020 8:13 am

I admit I'm proud of the way I write Edna; I'm glad you liked it; more soon!!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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