OPINIONS: Wintering

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c_nordlander
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Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Post by c_nordlander » Tue May 31, 2022 8:58 pm

Nice, I've been waiting for more!

"Naturally, one with to Skinner." Typo? It seems like it's missing a word.

"Homer even ate a fruit salad to please his mom." Get what you're saying, but the grammar makes it come off as Homer's mom, not Marge.

The last long paragraph on page 1 is good, but I think it would work even better with a paragraph break before Skinner starts talking.

Short chapter, but the story continues very good. The first scene is atmospheric, and there is a lot of quiet emotion in the writing, never becoming melodramatic. The chapter ending does a good job keeping me interested for more.

Everyone is still perfectly in character. Bart stands out.

Aside from the few technical nitpicks above, I don't see anything that needs improving.

Thank you for continuing to write this story; I'm hyped up to see how it ends.
Pretty little baby
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon


-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"

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Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Post by missy_misery » Mon Jun 06, 2022 12:21 am

Will fix up those typos! Thank you so much!
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Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Post by missy_misery » Mon Jul 04, 2022 7:53 am

Getting more toward the end here...
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Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Post by c_nordlander » Thu Jul 07, 2022 9:09 pm

Lovely opening. Homer's misunderstanding about "throwing bones" is very in-character (it would almost be funnier if Lisa didn't explain it, but it's still great). "I'm supposed to look suave, not cute!" is a perfect Bart line.

"I didn’t know you could cry." Another great line.

Skinner's following line is... just perfect. I'm not going to waste a lot of words on it. It's the way it should be, nothing more and nothing less.

Love the little reference to Laura Powers.

Typoes: "Flaners" and "Krabbaple" (Mrs. Krabappel's name is typoed further down as well).

"And Bart wondered if she was thinking of Bleeding Gums Murphy, remembering the death of an old friend." Really powerful line, but I think it would be even more powerful if you cut out the bit after the comma. Your call, of course.

Bart's final line is great as well.

Thank you for this update. Very little to nitpick, other than a couple of typoes. Keep 'em coming, I still love this fic.
Pretty little baby
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon


-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"

Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me for more information.
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Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Post by missy_misery » Sun Jul 10, 2022 10:00 pm

Gah, I can't believe I missed those simple typos; fixed on the permanent copy! Thank you, as always!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

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Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Post by missy_misery » Wed Dec 21, 2022 10:48 pm

And thus does the story End.
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Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Post by c_nordlander » Fri Dec 30, 2022 11:15 pm

An ending! *reads*

And this is a good ending. It follows logically on the plot so far. The school show is nice without being schmaltzy, with great character moments from Bart, Lisa and Edna, and the last page is nicely low-key. There are some funny moments that don't dilute the drama, and the almost-missable mention of Ned's grip on Edna's arm is powerful. In general, you manage to tell a tragic story without ever getting melodramatic.

I appreciate that you had a bit of a later epilogue with Bart, ending on a positive note. I always enjoy a reference to his law career, and the last sentence is very sweet.

The summary of the show after Bart's speech feels a little short. It feels like having a couple of quotes from the students honouring Edna at the show would make it feel weightier.
Spoiler
Great line, but I think it would be even better without the "simply."

*

To summarise my feelings on the story as a whole: I enjoyed this a lot, and thank you for writing it. A low-key, realistic look at a harsh topic. As I said about the final chapter, it never descends into melodrama, despite the subject. Where there is comic relief, it's really funny (as in, early seasons quality), without feeling disrespectful. As a tribute to Mrs. Krabappel, I don't think it could be better.

All the characters are perfectly in-character with plenty of depth, particularly Edna, Bart, Skinner and Homer. I wouldn't call any of the characters badly written. Bart's subplot does a good job weaving the Simpsons into the story, without feeling gratuitous. For some reason, I'm particularly impressed with the way you've written Homer. He feels nicely early-seasons-ish: lovable as well as funny.

My only minor gripe is that the fic feels a bit too long for its plot. Now, saying that a story should have been shorter (or longer) frequently falls into "this is how *I* would have written it," so this is just my opinion. I do like the leisurely pace, it feels perfectly realistic, but it feels like you could have condensed a couple of chapters without losing anything in terms of plot.

Also, while the first few chapters have excellent descriptions, the last few feel a little more bare-bones in terms of writing. Again, just my opinion, and I may be wrong.

All in all, a great success: sweet without being sentimental, deals openly with death and loss without being heartstring-tugging or too dour. Congratulations on getting to the end, and strongly recommended.



Technical issues in Chapter 19:
“Edna Krabappel is a good teacher.” He read.
"He read" shouldn't be a new sentence.
“And if you know anything about my brother,” Lisa said. “it takes a lot of work to get him to say kind things about any educator.”
Needs a comma after "Lisa said," not a full stop.
Edna was sitting in the audience, watching him with a wry smirk on her face. He .
while Edna let out a loud, hearty laugh
Missing punctuation.
Springfield went into a collective period of mourning until Ned returned home with Even Bart.
Seems to be missing a few words.
Edna’s last notetold
Pretty little baby
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon


-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"

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Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Post by missy_misery » Mon Apr 17, 2023 8:43 pm

Thank you so much, Chris!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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