Lee Simpson

[jenny]

New comedy fic. It's only the first few pages but I want to know if I'm on the right track. Ta!

[Dagdamor]

I think you're on the right track. It's very funny so far, I look forward to read more.
Heh heh, for some reason I was glad to see a normal reaction from Lisa about that channel. And

HOMER: You know Carl, if this isn?t your sort of thing, maybe Lisa will let you go and have a tea party with her dolls.

My oh my, I'd trade all those sorts of things for a tea with Lisa... you can claim me crazy now.

[c_nordlander]

So far, very funny indeed! I've already told you I liked the first scene. The Man-TV channel and Homer's (and his friends') reaction to it provides good satire, the kind OFF used to be justly famous for. Actually, a lot of this is show quality. Too many hilarious lines to point out (though Homer's "unique assets" one is a winner, as well as Barney's "annoying and invasive adverts"). I also love the names of the T-shirt girls. Lisa is in character, as Sergey points out: intelligent and feminist, but not in an over-the-top way. Great final line. Very clear and legible format, as well.

Not many problems. Over-saturated should have a hyphen. Also, this is a very minor nitpick, but Homer has a few too many intellectual/emotional lines. It's a great comic effect, but it can be overused. I don't want you to cut anything, just make sure to balance it out with some stupid and insensitive ones.

I'll be looking forward to more!

[missygal21880]

I giot a great number of chuckles out of this, Jenny!  My favorite line was probably Marge's saying that she didn't want to have to look up Lisa's insults towward her brother, and then Bart calling downstairs using one of those Lisa-like insults.

The plot is very thoughtful - I see you're annoyed by Spike TV too - or what G4 is (about) to become *clings to X-Play*.  Looking forward to the next part!

[Karsten_Thiel]

I'm definitely enjoying this so far! It's very funny throughout, with some genuine *LOL* moments, such as Lisa insulting Bart, or Homer's reply to Lisa's question whether he would Maggie and her to be like those women. I also enjoyed the "soccer" conversation (including, of course, Homer's final line). And I agree that Lisa's reaction was well written: She made her point, but not in an overly annoying or PC-ish way.

Yes, I'd say you're definitely on the right track. I'm looking forward to more.