OPINIONS: Wintering

Did you write something for the Simpsons, Futurama, original fiction or another fandom? Feel free to post it here!
User avatar
c_nordlander
Insane Underling
Insane Underling
Posts: 12252
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
Custom Title: Content Typhoid Mary

Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Post by c_nordlander » Mon Dec 30, 2019 8:20 pm

Comments on Chapter 12:

Nice start to the chapter, nice bit of misdirection and well-written as usual.

Typo: "spikey" should be "spiky" (I had to look it up to be sure)

I laughed at Homer's line.

Typoes: "selfness" should be "selfless"; "and before left" needs a "she". Also, in "but because even though she died, Wilbur and his friends will never forget her," the "because" doesn't seem to make sense.

The whole dialogue between Bart, Marge and Homer is great. Homer's story about crying at the cinema feels exactly like something he'd say on the show, and Bart's response are hilarious. Oh, there are too many funny lines to point out. And Marge has some very good and emotional lines.

It strikes me that Homer calls Bart "son" a lot in this scene, more than I recall him doing on the show. Maybe cut one instance of it or so, or change it to "Bart" or "boy."

The last paragraph should be in the past tense.

The dialogue between Bart and Lisa is good. Especially Lisa's voice is perfect. However, it feels like a line has dropped out before "“You’re just mad at me because I laughed at you for crying,” Lisa said."

Bart's response is very funny.

Very good chapter ending. The trip is a great idea (and Ned's dialogue and actions are beautifully written in that part), and Lisa's concern about the quality of the script is very much in character for her.


Chapter 13:

Whoa, *good* scene between Lisa and Ned at the start. I have nothing to add. Fun to see a bit of a, not necessarily bad, but less likable side to Ned Flanders; that's pretty rare. And he's still in character.

Skinner's talk with Bart is good, and the description of Edna from Bart's POV is great, simple but perfect.

Edna is perfectly in character too, for the few lines she has.

No, *this* is the best chapter ending.

All in all, I have very little constructive criticism, other than the typoes I caught. Everyone is incredibly well written, the conflict comes through without being over-emphasised or melodramatic, and Edna's final line to Skinner sets it up nicely. I'm just really happy to be reading this: best of luck with the next part!
J'avais rêvé d'une autre vie
À peine commencée, elle s'achève.
J'avais rêvé d'une autre vie
Mais la vie a tué mes rêves.


-- Fantine, Les Misérables

Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me to discuss.
User avatar
missy_misery
Sector Control Officer
Sector Control Officer
Posts: 2347
Joined: Sun Sep 17, 2006 1:04 am

Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Post by missy_misery » Mon Mar 16, 2020 6:18 am

Thank you so much! I'm super proud of this fic!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
User avatar
missy_misery
Sector Control Officer
Sector Control Officer
Posts: 2347
Joined: Sun Sep 17, 2006 1:04 am

Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Post by missy_misery » Thu Jul 09, 2020 11:52 pm

And since this is more of a reworking of chapter 13 with an extra scene, see above for a fresh scene leading into the next chapter - which should arrive fairly soonish!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
User avatar
c_nordlander
Insane Underling
Insane Underling
Posts: 12252
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
Custom Title: Content Typhoid Mary

Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Post by c_nordlander » Sat Jul 11, 2020 8:12 pm

Thank you for the heads-up. The new scene is good, with both Seymour and Edna in character. Especially Edna is just sizzling in every line she has, I don't know how you write her so well. The writing style feels quite simple in this chapter, but that's not a negative. It just lets the emotions come to the fore, without getting melodramatic.
Spoiler
A couple of technical nitpicks: "Bart shook his head" would be better on a new line rather than coming right after Skinner's line of dialogue; "things I didn’t want to feel,Edna" is missing a space.

As usual, I want the next chapter now. :)
J'avais rêvé d'une autre vie
À peine commencée, elle s'achève.
J'avais rêvé d'une autre vie
Mais la vie a tué mes rêves.


-- Fantine, Les Misérables

Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me to discuss.
User avatar
missy_misery
Sector Control Officer
Sector Control Officer
Posts: 2347
Joined: Sun Sep 17, 2006 1:04 am

Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Post by missy_misery » Tue Jul 21, 2020 8:13 am

I admit I'm proud of the way I write Edna; I'm glad you liked it; more soon!!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
User avatar
missy_misery
Sector Control Officer
Sector Control Officer
Posts: 2347
Joined: Sun Sep 17, 2006 1:04 am

Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Post by missy_misery » Tue Dec 22, 2020 5:10 am

And a little bit more!
Attachments
EdnaDeath14.docx
(16.51 KiB) Downloaded 52 times
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
User avatar
c_nordlander
Insane Underling
Insane Underling
Posts: 12252
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
Custom Title: Content Typhoid Mary

Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Post by c_nordlander » Tue Dec 22, 2020 9:30 pm

My opinions on the new part:

"and they were celebrating with Squishee that Homer had brought home to celebrate the occasion" feels a little bit repetitive. Your call, and the scene is totally in character otherwise.

I love Bart's insensitive first line in the chapter.

Lisa's response is great, too. I actually think "Lisa quickly explained" isn't necessary, since we understand who said the line and why from the context. Again, it's up to you.

The section with Lisa teasing Bart is hilarious, original, and feels very in character. I keep getting an early-seasons feel from this story: the characters act like real family members, with all their emotionality and irritations, not just machines for funny jokes.
“He will if it’s green,” said Bart.
Another great line.

Bart's quiet pride in his book report is also in character.
“Huh,” Homer remarked. “Is that why they always have so many of them at funerals?”
And that's a very clever and Homer-ic line.

Bart is good in this chapter, period.

Typo: "Principle Skinner"

"I guess I’ll give her a shot," Do you mean "it"?

Quietly emotional chapter ending.


Still enjoying this, if there were any doubt. The writing feels a little bit unpolished in places: notably the first paragraph (that repetition of "celebrate"). Other than that, it has extremely good characterisation (especially Bart, Lisa, Ned and Skinner), some good jokes that arise naturally from the dialogue, and the tragic undertone is perceptible without being melodramatic or exploitative.

You know, I wouldn't have believed that I could read such a long story about a likable character dying, slowly, from a stupid and awful illness, and not feel absolutely harrowed, but you're keeping such a light touch and providing enough humour and plot movement to make it enjoyable, without trivialising Edna's situation or the grief of her loved ones. In other words, it's still going strong.

Looking forward to reading my Christmas request fic!
J'avais rêvé d'une autre vie
À peine commencée, elle s'achève.
J'avais rêvé d'une autre vie
Mais la vie a tué mes rêves.


-- Fantine, Les Misérables

Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me to discuss.
User avatar
missy_misery
Sector Control Officer
Sector Control Officer
Posts: 2347
Joined: Sun Sep 17, 2006 1:04 am

Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Post by missy_misery » Sun Apr 11, 2021 3:22 am

I'm so happy this is still working; I'll fix the little bits that are off soon!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
User avatar
missy_misery
Sector Control Officer
Sector Control Officer
Posts: 2347
Joined: Sun Sep 17, 2006 1:04 am

Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Post by missy_misery » Wed Jul 07, 2021 12:07 am

New chapter - will likely be expanded soon
Attachments
EdnaDeath15.docx
(12.86 KiB) Downloaded 17 times
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
User avatar
c_nordlander
Insane Underling
Insane Underling
Posts: 12252
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
Custom Title: Content Typhoid Mary

Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Post by c_nordlander » Fri Jul 09, 2021 10:42 pm

Ooh, been looking forward to this. My thoughts:

The last sentence of the first paragraph breaks off in the middle after "that even though people have to die".

"It was the most he’d ever written with such little motivation." Nice sentence.

This section is quite short, but it's not bad. Maybe some bits feel a bit info-dumpy, and the last sentence of the fourth paragraph ("He remembered that so suddenly that he facepalmed") feels like it comes a bit clumsily. Still, that's a pretty minor nitpick.

The ending is simple and powerful, but might be even better if there's a bit more build-up (talk about the school show, etc.) before then.

All in all, good so far.
J'avais rêvé d'une autre vie
À peine commencée, elle s'achève.
J'avais rêvé d'une autre vie
Mais la vie a tué mes rêves.


-- Fantine, Les Misérables

Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me to discuss.
User avatar
missy_misery
Sector Control Officer
Sector Control Officer
Posts: 2347
Joined: Sun Sep 17, 2006 1:04 am

Re: OPINIONS: Wintering

Post by missy_misery » Mon Jul 12, 2021 5:02 am

Thank you so much!

Yeah, I'm going to likely go back and add onto this chapter with an edit - it decided to arrive urgently but without much meat to it.
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
Post Reply