OPINIONS: Wherever I Am, That's Where I'm Not (WIP)

[c_nordlander]

EDIT: Fixed now.

[missy_misery]

Replaced 'em with html docs.  Let me know if they work!

[c_nordlander]

Ah, they're working excellently now. I'll read it when I next have time.

[missy_misery]

Thanks Chris!

[c_nordlander]

Part 1: Your writing style is very good, as always. Some descriptions seem a bit precious, but that could be the way Lisa's narrative voice works.

I agree with Pat: this is almost all dialogue, at least at the start. That's kind of odd, because the characters do perform a lot of actions, it's just that you've put them in the dialogue tags. Putting some of the actions in between the dialogue lines might be better.

Bart and Lisa are excellently in character. It's like watching the show (when it was good, of course). The scene is full of nice little touches, like Bart using the hand he'd licked to take the form.

"Busted!" Lisa said with satisfaction,

I think "with satisfaction" could go. It's pretty obvious.

They're gonna force you to make spaghetti in a cellar!"

*LOL*

she gestured grandly as she prosaically wondered.

Yeah, I have a problem with this line too, even though it's a nice mental image. It's just the two verbs, two adverbs thing. I think "prosaically" could go.

Lovely ending to the scene.

Funny parody TV shows!

"Thanks, mom," she drank it down with enthusiasm.

I think the "she drank it" etc. should be a new sentence. It's not really a dialogue tag.

"Aww, what'd YOU do to Skinner's mother?"

Another great line.

I didn't like "The Italian Bob" much, but it makes sense that it would worry Marge and Homer. Homer's line about what Bob's done to them is another good one.

Lisa's reaction isn't too over-the-top. Good.

Lisa remained alone in a world where her parents were foolish and unreasonable and her brother had taken away the key to unlock the cage of her monotony.

I think this is too much telling instead of showing. If you could show us more of the way she acts when thinking about it, instead of just summing it up for us, that would be great.

Well, looking good so far. I know this kind of situation. Marge and Homer have a lot of sense on their side. Lisa blaming Bart is irrational, but natural in the emotional state she's in.

Part 2:

fighting the sleepiness she felt as the previous day's events came back to her.

I think "she felt" is completely unnecessary.

her mind a million miles away from the beautiful Saturday morning

A bit of a cliché, really. Not much of a one, but still.

"I have to go to the -," the scent of blueberries teased her nose.

Again, I think the bit after her line should be a separate sentence.

"Why?" Lisa snapped.  "I'm never going to use it!"

I love this come-back.

Lisa's journey through Springfield is clear and visual. Her anger feels good: immature, of course, but realistically so. In character.

Milhouse's lines are great.

The bit at the library is very nicely written.

Typo: it should be "Shatner".

That was when an arm grabbed her from behind, and then she felt the press of an arm around her wrist lifting her off the ground.

I think the first mention of the word "arm" could go. Just "That was when someone grabbed her from behind" works fine for that part of the sentence.

Cliffhanger ending. A bit melodramatic, but it would be hard to understate that kind of scene. It just feels a bit cumbersome with the "before she was dragging into a nearby house" bit. (And it should be "dragged".) I don't really know how to change it, though. You certainly need to write more after ending on this, though.

Well, I'm enjoying this. It's well written, apart from the occasional niggle I've had. Everyone is in character, especially Lisa, who feels perfect. Bart is very good, too. There are several funny lines, and the storyline feels very plausible. Like I said before, I don't like "The Italian Bob", but the references fulfil their role in the plot, which is the important thing. I'm quite interested in seeing where it's going.

[missy_misery]

Thanks so much for your feedback as always, Chris!

I sort of went overboard with the prosaic stuff in this fic - I think Jenny pointed that out to me, too.  Either way, I definately need to pare back my adverbs. 

I've always wanted to write about the Terwilliger brothers - this fic is more or less an excuse for me to do that.  Once again, thanks so much for your advice and feedback as always!

[missy_misery]

And here's the third chapter!  I think it's actually improved a bit here...

[c_nordlander]

Opinions on the newest instalment:

Very nice opening. Pulls you in well.

I think "she" after Lisa's first line ("she rubbed her eyes" etc.) SHOULD be capitalised. It's not a dialogue tag as much as an action that happens to take place after her line.

EDIT: That was supposed to say "should", not "shouldn't". Fixed now.

an unpretentious cabin, sturdy but clearly had been unoccupied for some time.

Should be something like "sturdy, but clearly having been unoccupied" etc.

The description is very good, of course, but I'm a bit unsure about "a table and chair bore Cecil" - technically, he's  not sitting on the table.

Typo: "the bounds about her wrists" should be "bonds".

Well, I have very little negative to say about this chapter. The writing is brilliant, with clearly described actions, it's suspenseful without going over the top with nastiness, and Lisa is at her resourceful, energetic best. If anything

Spoiler

I think she escapes from the cabin a bit too easily. It's obviously part of the plot, but it seems a bit clumsy of Cecil. Perhaps make it a little bit more difficult - say, Cecil's locked the door, so she has to climb through a window. I don't really know what you're planning here.

All in all, looking very good. I want to find out what happens next.

[missy_misery]

Hooray!!  I love your concrit.

Typos noted!  I don't know where the heck I was going with the whole "bore" notion - I think I mashed to sepparate sentances together by mistake.

RE:

Spoiler

Lisa's quick escape - I was thinking it's along the line of his intentionally leaving loose bonds for her to break.  Sort of a mind game.  But I think it's definately worth making it more complex for her to get out - I'll do that in the next draft!

[c_nordlander]

Spoiler

Lisa's quick escape - I was thinking it's along the line of his intentionally leaving loose bonds for her to break.  Sort of a mind game.  But I think it's definately worth making it more complex for her to get out - I'll do that in the next draft!

I was sort of suspecting something like that, but of course I couldn't be sure. In that case, I don't have a problem with it.

Also, in the post above, I meant that "she rubbed her eyes" *should* be capitalised, since it was a new sentence rather than a dialogue tag. I messed up a bit.

[missy_misery]

Thanks, Chris .  Still at work trying to smash out a final version of #4 - will probably get out a finished version plus a fifth chapter in a couple of weeks...

[missy_misery]

And here we have the conclusion!  This one's been tormenting me for awhile, so I'm glad to have it done *groans*

[c_nordlander]

At long last, getting around to reading the ending!

It should be "pedaled", not "peddled". "Peddle" is when you sell things.

I like the elephant joke. In fact, Cecil's inner voice is brilliant.

"Joe the Six Pack Plumber" and "EBuy" also made me laugh.

its padlock no small barrier between him and his goal.

Surely you mean "no big barrier".

Typo: "muckrackeress" should be "muckrakeress". Otherwise, love that word! Cecil's dialogue is plain great.

I like the revelation of what Cecil is trying to steal.

“Yes, yes, continue to spout your politically correct twaddle,” he began to pick at the lock with a hairpin.

I think the bit after the dialogue should be a separate sentence, since it's not really a "say" action.

“Cecil Terwilliger isn’t the sort of tread over ground already so clearly trod upon by his brother,”

Awesome line.

Then, more hopefully, he asked, “do you…know someone?”

Brilliant, but "do" should be capitalised since it's the start of a new line.

“I do so hate to be soft as Robert,

It feels like a word has dropped out here.

I like the little reference to Akira's karate class.

The little final vignette is excellently written.

By and large, very little negative in this chapter. The writing is great, particularly Cecil's dialogue and thoughts. The crime is nicely thought out, though I have to say, the plot feels a little bit disjointed here: you bring the plot threads together bravely, but the fact remains that this started out as a story about Lisa winning a scholarship in Italy, and ended up as a "foiling Cecil's scheme" story. I was somehow expecting a closer connection than that.

With that minor niggle out of the way, I greatly enjoyed this. Everyone's in character, with particularly Lisa and Cecil giving a great performance, and it's as good a Sideshows story as I've seen in fanfiction. It doesn't need a lot of fixing-up to go up as finished, either.

[missy_misery]

Yee, thanks so much for the review, Chris!

See, you're right about the plot - it started as a more serious exploration of Lisa's attempt at maturity, then the Cecil idea took me by surprise.  Ithink it works, tho - if anyone has an ideas about smoothing the transition, feel free to tell me.

I really had fun playing with Cecil!voice - he came to me naturally, and I had to work hard at trying not to make him sound like a Sideshow Bob clone.

So, I shall sharpen this up and see if it's permanently!postable over the next couple of weeks.  Thanks so much for the help, Chris, and any further helping hints are appreciated.

[c_nordlander]

Cecil definitely sounded like himself and no-one else. That can't have been easy, seeing how little airtime he's had.

I know the pain of making different plot parts fit together. Bear in mind, I like both! I haven't got any suggestions at the moment, but if anything comes up, I'll obviously tell you. Maybe you just need to make it a bit longer: when I found out this last part was the ending, I was surprised. Again, no ideas. It's still a very functional story.