(WIP) (Waving) (A Shirt Tone Guy/Missy Collaboration) "Exit 158" (PG)

[missy_misery]

STG and I've been working on this one for a little bit - a Waving Universe fic.

SUMMARY: Lisa and her circle of friends prepare to leave Springfield for College.

EDIT: Finished version now posted!

[Archonix]

I just had a peek through it. Interesting ending, it felt sort of tied into things that have happened on the show. I enjoyed the earlier section with Laura as well. I'll leave it up to someone else to point out any problems there might be.

[missy_misery]

Thanks for checking it out, Graham!  It means a lot  

And I, as always, bow in Shirt's direction, because he did a lot of work with what plot points I tossed out.

[c_nordlander]

Typoes: "ther" should be "other"; and "poliitely". You also spell Allison's name with one L at one point.

The writing is great, as well it might be. I'm not going to try to pick out who wrote what (and I know that's probably not how it works), but suffice it to say this is really well written, just as I expect from you two. I'm not going to point out all the good expressions here.

Yay, a Langdon Alger reference!

I really love all the concise and interesting backstory on the kids here, particularly the minor ones who usually get as short shrift in fanfiction as on the show, like Janey.

"I'm coming back with my shield or on it."

Yaay! 

some stubbly faced twentysomethings with squeaky voices

And this one made me laugh out loud.

Very sweet ending.

Well... I have hardly anything to complain about, except the occasional typo. For all I see, this could easily be finalised right away. I'm delighted by Laura's military career and husband, and it was really nice to get a bit from Janey's POV. All the regulars are great as well. The plot is a bit disjointed, of course, but then it's not primarily a plot-based fic. So, well-written, polished, with great characterisation, and quite emotive in a quiet way. I enjoyed this muchly.

[missy_misery]

Thanks so much Chris! 

I'll tag STG and see if we can get out a final version soon!

[missy_misery]

And here is the finalized version

[c_nordlander]

First, congratulations on finishing this fic, Tony and Missy!

I'll try not to repeat myself too much from the earlier review. If this review seems a bit negative, it's because I reckon I've pointed out the good stuff already and can now focus on what can be improved. So do remember that I'm enjoying this fic greatly.

All these things will be on my mind tomorrow at their ceremony.

This strikes me as a slightly over-obvious segue to the next scene. Still, it works.

I like the empty row of seats for Cletus' and Brandine's children.

I still love the way you bring in concise but comprehensive bits of backstory on the kids at the graduation, particularly Janey (who's always needed more exposure in fanfic) and Allison.

"Mom" is capitalised in some places but not in others.

Typo: "Dondellinger".

I like little details like the Springfieldian accents.

“So you’re going to lower the boom, eh?” Lisa shot her a miserable look as they ascended a steep peak. “Why’re you so scared? You’ve been thinking of breaking up with him for months.”

The way this is formatted makes it seem like it's Lisa's line, which confused me at first. I'd put linebreaks between these bits, to show that it's not Lisa saying it.

Milhouse's grief over his terminated relationship gave way to automotive concern.

This made me laugh!

While they maintained strong feelings for the friends they were leaving behind, these last few minutes had confirmed their decision to study outside Springfield as the right one.

Not a bad sentence, but it's a bit superfluous. It pretty much tells what the scene has already done a good job showing.

The Allison and Janey scene is great, though I feel the bike ride down the road could have been given a little more description. It is fairly important, after all.

Typo: "wiithout".

You have "rattled" twice in three paragraphs at the end of the scene with Allison and Janey. It's not too annoying, but it might be a good idea to change one of them to another word.

filling cardboard boxes with everything that fits

That should be "fitted".

The description is good. In fact, pretty much every scene is good.

These were the childhood awards that once adorned the walls and shelves of Allison's side room, each one adding to her legendary skills in the classroom or on the saxophone, each one now past its utility.

Lovely description.

"He sounded like that cartoon dog you used to watch."

Awesome.

She poked Bart in the ribs, “this is all your fault.

"This" should probably be capitalised.

“Hey, it took a long time to dye those doves green!”

Excellent.

“I didn’t even see it coming until last year – how could you have known?”  Lisa crossed her hands upon her lap in a maidenly fashion.

Excellent line and description.

“Bart!” Lisa hissed, “you did take your finals?”

I think you should have a full stop and capitalise the next sentence.

Yay, Down With Buildings!

I love the reference to "Simpson Tide", and Homer's air guitar.

It's "Nahasapeemapetilon". (Yes, I had to look that up. I'm going by the Complete Guide here.)

Great Maggie characterisation, too.

Maggie shrugged, which is pre-pubescent slang for ‘whatever.’

Excellent.

I like that you actually put some context to Ruth's steroid abuse in that episode, which is more than the show did!

It should be "padawan". Great line otherwise!

“Hey, Mags,” It’s Puuma Nahasaphemapettilon, waving a five dollar bill, “mom says we can go down to DVD Dormitory and pick up a couple of flicks.”

I think you should have a full stop at the end of the first bit of dialogue, and then make the other bit a new sentence (as in "waving a five dollar bill. 'Mom says we can go" etc.)

By the way, I'm delighted that Maggie has friends among the Nahasapeemapetilon octuplets.

I have a feeling from her tone that she’s made too many recently, or, perhaps, has been trying to free herself from them.

Wonderful.

Very good ending.

Well, apart from the occasional hopefully constructive stylistic remark, I loved this. All the characterisations ring true with the show and are well developed. I was particularly happy about Laura, Janey and Maggie, but there's not one bad one here. The plot is great, the writing is as good as I expect from both of you, but the characters are really what make this fic. So much to love here: Laura's narrating voice, a solid characterisation for Janey (I feel like saying this again: I'm so glad to see a fic where she plays a major role!), the bare hints of tension between Laura and Buckman, Lisa's and Allison's fears of leaving home. Character interactions are great.

Well, it's finished! With the occasional change, this is pretty worthy to be put in the archive. It's pretty much perfect.

[missy_misery]

Eee, thanks so much for the review, Chris - and thanks for the concrit!!

[missy_misery]

I am SUCH a dunce.  Shirt sent me an extended version of the fic last week, and I forgot to post it.  Here's a brand-new extension with fresh scenes. 

[c_nordlander]

Still awesome fic, blah blah, you know how much I like it, I won't have to repeat myself. Some new opinions on this edit. Mostly (minor) nitpicks, since the strength of this story speak for themselves.

I think "my husband Buckman" feels a bit artificial. Laura should probably just use his name, and then we get to deduce that he's her husband.

"with considerably low vigor" feels just a bit stilted. Maybe "with considerable lack of vigor" would be better.

There's a lot of tense changes in the first scene from Janey's POV.

Typo: “Dondellinger” should only have one L.

“So you’re going to lower the boom, eh?” Lisa shot her a miserable look as they ascended a steep peak. “Why’re you so scared? You’ve been thinking of breaking up with him for months.”

The way the sentence is wedged between the two dialogue lines makes it seem like it's Lisa talking, at least to me. Maybe you should make it three separate lines (first the dialogue, then the description, then the next line of dialogue).

Lisa’s knuckles suddenly turned white on the handlebars.

I don't think “suddenly” is necessary here. Other than that, great line.

"I told you that wasn't legal", he snapped.

You should probably make it clear that it's Wendell saying this. I was confused for a while as to who the speaker was.

while she thought to herself how this may be the last time her tires would cross this street

“might” would be better than “may”.

Typo: “wiithout”

"Right...You haven't thought of transferring, have you?  Maybe get more P.T. at Maryland?  GW?

You're missing a quote mark at the end of this line.

Allison tried to alert Janey to her unease

Not bad, but could be done with less telling. Maybe just changing it to something like “Allison tried to tell Janey to watch her speed” or similar.

filling cardboard boxes with everything that fits

Tense change; should be “fit”.

She poked Bart in the ribs, “this is all your fault.

Should be a full stop, and a capital letter at the start of the dialogue.

“Milhouse’s nails were neon-colored for two weeks afterwards,” she sobered slightly,

Should be a full stop at the end of the dialogue line, and a capital letter afterwards, as this is a separate description, not a dialogue tag.

“I try,” she murmured, then brightened.

Should be present tense. There are some past tense sentences after this, too.

“Nahasapeemapetilon” is still spelled wrong. (And if it makes you feel better, I had to look it up this time, too.)

then heading up to us with a pained smile on her face

I think “headed” would be better.

“Padwan” should be “padawan”.

Not exactly incorrect, but you use both the spelling “Mags” and “Maggs”. You should probably stick to one.

Predictable, Lisa’s surrounded by Janey, Alex and Allison

Typo: should be “predictably”.

OK... in case the above seemed too negative, let me remind you that all the characterisation is awesome, and the writing style is fluid and memorable. I can't rightly point out everything I liked in it, or I'd be here all night.

Fix the tense changes, and I'd say this is as good as it can get. And I'd be very happy to read more collaborations between you two. You do an awesome job.

[missy_misery]

Thanks so much, Chris!

I agree that we two should collaborate more .  Maybe something will come up.

I'll fix the mistakes in my sections, and after Shirt does so on his, the final version will go up!

[Tony_Baritone]

Finalized version, all thanks to Missy and to those who gave valuable concrit.

[missy_misery]

Thank you so much for saving my skin and posting this for me, Shirt . *Re-downloads copy*

[c_nordlander]

Found a typo: "Alison".

Besides that, looks like you've polished this quite finely. It's well worthy of a place on the Writing board and good reviews.

[missy_misery]

Thanks so much, Chris

Could you point out where the misspelled "Allison" is?