OPINIONS: THOH Firestarter

[UndeadSamurai01]

Yeah, I don't watch the Venture Brothers, so that's probably why

Hmm, I wonder whether one of the other 46 people who downloaded my story will comment?

[missy_misery]

I'm one of the downloaders, but I admit I'm holding back on a review until the series is complete so I can make a more thorough statement about it.

[UndeadSamurai01]

Well you might be waiting quite a while.

[missy_misery]

It's all right. I'm patient

[UndeadSamurai01]

Probably no-one's interested anymore, but I've written chapter 6 now. It's attached.Hopefully doesn't suck too much.

[c_nordlander]

Some comments on Chapter 6:

Very nice opening. It immediately arrests the reader's attention. I'm not too fond of the sound effects in all caps, but other than that, it's all well written.

He tensed all his muscles, stretching

This would be better with another comma after "stretching".

Typoes: "Where they really there"; "her mother was would be angry"

I like how you remembered that Marge dyes her hair.

I like this line: "Behind the counter she could see a wanted poster of herself. This would panic most people, but it was far from the first time for Marge."

“Not an exact science – for god sakes a man is dead!” Yelled the Director, “My job is to ensure the safety of the United States from these freaks –

"yelled" shouldn't be capitalised, and "my" shouldn't be capitalised since it comes after a comma, not a full stop.

“She didn’t mean it. I distinctly heard her say that.” Replied John coolly,

Change that full stop to a comma, and "replied" shouldn't be capitalised.

"To others it might look like she was deep in thought, but in fact that was what she was trying desperately to avoid." That's a good line! It might flow better if you put "desperately" before "trying", but it's up to you.

"It’s not like she ever wanted to hurt someone." This would be better if you changed "it's not" to "it wasn't".

“Murderer.” Said Francine

Change that full stop to a comma, "said" shouldn't be capitalised, and you need a full stop after "Francine".

I think you use "Lisa stated" a bit much here. It's OK to use "said". (Not a big problem, just my opinion.)

“Yeah, right, that’s why you subconscious dragged me up to torment you.” whispered Francine, displaying a wit her original sorely lacked

Change the full stop to a comma. Also, there should be a full stop after "lacked". (That said, well-written sentence that made me laugh.)

I like this whole Lisa scene. It's nicely chilling and gives a good view of what is going on in Lisa's mind. "Francine's" very last sentence is a bit cliché, though.

I like Bart's response to the clichéd surveillance camera line.

“We can do this the easy way,” said the voice, “Or the hard way.”

"or" shouldn't be capitalised.

“Are you kidding me?” Laughed Bart, “Wow, you’re so ‘mysterious’.”

"laughed" and "wow" shouldn't be capitalised.

I like Bart giving the camera his catchphrase.

“You bastards!” Yelled Bart, “How did I get here, what did you do with my sister?”

"yelled" shouldn't be capitalised, and neither should "how" (unless you want to make that a separate sentence, in which case you should have a full stop after "Bart").

I like the voice slowing down.

To be continued. For the record, I find this chapter good so far (except for the punctuation problems).

[c_nordlander]

Continuing with Chapter 6:

There was a click and the door started to open, Lisa’s heart beat so hard her chest hurt, her fists clenched involuntarily.

This would be much better with a full stop after "open". Other than that, it's a great description.

In fact, this whole scene is good.

I like the "robot" discussion. A nice way to lighten up what is getting almost too dark a scene, without feeling inappropriate.

“And what is your mission?” She asked

"she" shouldn't be capitalised. You're doing better with this, but there are still some instances where you get it wrong.

His mission is to protect me? Thought Lisa

Again, "thought" shouldn't be capitalised.

“And if the two conflict?” She questioned.

"she" shouldn't be capitalised.

“Then I am to seek further instruction.” He responded swiftly.

The dialogue should end with a comma instead of a full stop, and "he" shouldn't be capitalised.

“From Dr Tolman.” He replied.

See above.

“Why him?” she asked, “What is his position within the PSA?”

You should have a full stop rather than a comma after the dialogue tag.

Typo: "Tollman"

“No, technically I’m a PSA Special Agent.” He responded freely.

The dialogue should end with a comma instead of a full stop, and "he" shouldn't be capitalised.

Typo: "eachother" should be two words.

“If I’m honest with you I hope you can be honest with me.”

"if" shouldn't be capitalised, since it's after a comma.

they can HEAR us.” She said,

Change that full stop to a comma, and "she" shouldn't be capitalised.

“It’s an ear piece.” He explained.

The dialogue should end with a comma instead of a full stop, and "he" shouldn't be capitalised.

“You mind telling me what the hell that was?” demanded Dr Tolman, “I never ordered you to speak with her.”

You should have a full stop after "Tolman". (Because his next line of dialogue is a new sentence, see.)

“Sir, with respect, you didn’t order me not to,” Responded Kyle,

"responded" shouldn't be capitalised.

“I didn’t order you not to jump of a cliff,” Tolman cut him off, “yet somehow you manage to avoid that.”

That's hilarious!

“Sir,” Replied Kyle, “I would jump off a cliff if I thought it would help achieve the mission objective sir.”
“Captain, are you making a joke?” Asked Tolman, deathly serious.
“Sir,” Snapped Kyle, “no, sir.”
“Explain yourself.” Ordered Tolman.

OK, once again: in all these, the dialogue tag shouldn't be capitalised.

Continues good. I'm liking Kyle quite a bit: his dialogue is sympathetic and often amusing. More to come.

[UndeadSamurai01]

Thanks so much for continuting your critique!

And wow, I really do need to work on punctuating dialouge, I'm supprised the grammer checker doesn't pick that up.

Really the part of this chapter I'm not sure about is the pacing - you may notice it moves awfully fast as it goes on. It probably should have been at least two chapters, but I kinda just wanted it to be finished after it took such a long time. But hey, none of my other readers commented on that so maybe I was wrong? Some readers did say however that the final scene was confusing, while I thought it was pretty clear. Shows what I know huh!

edit: oh, and I just realised I accidentally gave you the version where Celia repeatedly drops the F-bomb . Just ignore that if you can - I replaced them right before I published. Oh and I deleted that equasion solving paragraph as well -> I liked it, but I think most people would just find it tedious.

[c_nordlander]

Continuing:

"thumbs working in perfect harmony" is a bit cliché in an otherwise good description.

I like the bit about how she fixates on video games, but this sentence "While she was playing she could be so totally immersed that she wouldn’t think about anything else" feels like it's telling rather than showing, especially since you go on to show in more concrete detail how immersive they feel. (This bit feels very realistic. Good job!)

The description of the gameplay is kind of dull (I want to play games, not read about them), but it's kind of needed for the story.

"Bloody" is a very British word. Unless Celia's family is meant to be British, you're probably better off changing it to a more American swearword. (I did this a lot in my early fanfics, so I can sympathise.)

"She looked around the classroom and discovered, unsurprisingly, that most other students were doing the same." Very nice sentence. It's missing a space before the next sentence, though.

The whole description of the classroom is great.

“In order to answer your pointless question and calculate the distance travelled by a bullet fired straight up, in a vacuum, in a uniform gravitational field,” She continued

"she" shouldn't be capitalised.

“Fuck.” Said Celia, pointing,

That full stop should be a comma, and "said" shouldn't be capitalised.

"The other students stared in amazement as she neatly slid her chair back under her desk, placed her books into her bag, and calmly walked out of the room." I think "calmly" could go; the sentence seems to flow better without it, and it's easy to understand that she's calm anyway. But it's up to you.

“Go fuck yourself.” She replied shortly

That full stop should be a comma, and "she" shouldn't be capitalised.

“I’m going to have to report y…” The hall monitor began.

"the" shouldn't be capitalised.

The "punching you in the face" line is good.

“Karate that you sexist prick.” She muttered,

That full stop should be a comma, and "she" shouldn't be capitalised.

"Her eyes burned with unshed tears. What would father think of me now? She thought bitterly." "she" shouldn't be capitalised, and this whole bit is a bit melodramatic, especially the "unshed tears" bit.

Lots of good scenes here. I like: "It took her fifteen minutes to finish, and by that time she was calm." It's simple, but feels realistic.

I like Celia

Spoiler

going to the principal.

The last two scenes gave her quite a bit of personality, which was sorely needed (until then, I was just thinking of her as "tragic bereft daughter"), but while they made her a deeper character, I found her aggressive behaviour kind of unlikable, if understandable in the face of her father's death. Her accepting responsibility for her actions makes her a more layered and sympathetic character.

“I see.” He intoned gravely, “Yes, I had just heard about the fight,

That full stop should be a comma, "he" shouldn't be capitalised, and if you intend the next bit of dialogue to be a new sentence, you should have a full stop after "gravely".

“It wasn’t a fight sir,” corrected Celia, “he didn’t fight back, it was just me.”

Great line.

“And you just attacked him for no apparent reason?” he asked, “I find that hard to believe.”

Change the comma after "asked" to a full stop, since the next bit of dialogue is a new sentence.

“I was angry.” She stated simply

The full stop should be a comma, and "she" shouldn't be capitalised. Also, I personally think that "simply" could go. The line stands on its own.

“I disagree.” She said firmly

The full stop should be changed to a comma, and "she" shouldn't be capitalised. You're also missing a full stop after "firmly".

Spelling issue: "alright" should be "all right".

The next scene is also well-written.

“But I can’t do it!” pleaded Lisa, “My powers aren’t working!”

The comma after "Lisa" should be a full stop.

"Kyle had told her as much - and quite chillingly revealed that he would probably be the one to get the order." I think changing the dash to a comma would make the sentence less melodramatic, but it's up to you.

“I know, I’m going to try and help you with that.” Said Tolman, “We’ve noticed that your power often manifests itself

The full stop should be a comma, "said" shouldn't be capitalised, and the comma after "Tolman" should be a full stop.

Good writing and interesting story both continue. The only thing I had a bit of a beef with was the long scene of Celia playing "Halo", which didn't serve much of a purpose (I like the fact that she's using the game to distract herself from her grief, but the in-game scene was very long). Like I said, Celia came off as a bit of a bitch in the classroom scene, but her later actions redeemed her to me.

To be continued.

[UndeadSamurai01]

You're working your way through the chapter so quickly thanks for the swift response.

Yeah, I'm Australian so I have the tendancy to use the word 'bloody' alot. I'll try to keep that in mind. And I use waaay to manny dashes - even when I'm not writing fiction.

I didn't want her to come off as 'a bitch', but I did want her to be a bit hot blooded. She's acting kinda different to how she normally would (she has alot of repressed guilt and anger over her father's death), I guess I need to deepen her character a bit before I show her snapping. Maybe in an earlier chapter, even before Andrew dies. I guess that would make his death more emotional anyway.

Here's how I wanted her to come across: Capable, strong-willed, obsessed with millitary, moral, protective, violent, brave, practical, curious, loyal, intelligent, Christian, has a bit of a hero complex (so yeah I guess she is a bit narrcassitic), takes personal responsibillity when something goes wrong - occassionally for things that were outside her control, occassionally self-destructive.

Hopefully I hit most of those in this chapter.

[c_nordlander]

Continuing:

The new scene is well-written. It still comes off as a bit sensationalist to me, but that's hard to avoid given the subject-matter. Tolman has good dialogue; I'm very happy he's not acting like a stereotypical villain. Kyle is good too.

If I have a problem, it's that Kyle seems almost brainwashed here, which hasn't really been shown in any of the previous glimpses of the guards. Maybe I'm forgetting hints from earlier, or maybe I'm underestimating the effects of military discipline. Either way, he seems brainwashed.

A bead of sweat rolled down his forehead, stinging his eye

I like this description. In fact, I like that whole paragraph a lot.

You're still switching between "John" and "Tolman" quite a bit. It's not terrible, but you'd be fine sticking to one.

The descriptions of the effect of electrical shocks are realistic and well-written.

“I thought you were my friend!” she yelled, “But you just wanted to study me!

You should have a full stop rather than a comma after "yelled", since it's a new sentence.

Still think Tolman is a bit callous about

Spoiler

killing Lisa.

I really don't see how he's able to dehumanise a helpless child so readily.

I like the way Kyle comes to his conclusion.

“I’m afraid I can’t do that John.” said Kyle calmly

Change the full stop to a comma.

“Stop them.” John commanded

And again.

Factual nitpick: defibrillation doesn't restart the heart, it stops arrhythmia. Shouldn't need much fixing.

"Kyle grabbed her wrists, preventing her from breaking her hands on his armour." Another nice description. There are a lot of good ones here.

OK, weapons specifications like "M240 SAW (light machine gun)" are a bit intrusive. Either use just the name or just the weapon type. Or use the name and slide in the weapon type in a more natural manner.

“I’m eight!” exclaimed Lisa, looking at the gun as if it were poisoned, “who in their right mind would give me a gun?”

Change the comma after "poisoned" to a full stop, and capitalise "who".

"miming firing the gun at the wall, with his finger outside the trigger guard," Another good description.

“Y-you killed them.” She murmured

The full stop should be a comma, and "she" shouldn't be capitalised.

I find it a bit unlikely that Kyle could get such good shots in while dual-wielding. But then, he does have the cool cyborg armour.

He faced down the SRT, looking like a mirror image. What words passed between them Lisa would never know, but she could have sworn she saw Kyle’s chin drop ever so slightly, in sadness.

Another great couple of sentences.

“Kyle!” Exclaimed the SRT over radio, “What have you done? You have betrayed us all!”

"exclaimed" shouldn't be capitalised, and you should have a full stop after "radio". (Also, the line is a bit melodramatic, but I guess that's how they would feel.)

“That can’t be!” Mathew yelled, “Who would order such a mission?”

You should have a full stop after "yelled".

“Damn him!” Mathew cursed,

And a full stop after "cursed". Basically, if the first line of dialogue is a finished sentence, then you should have a full stop before the rest of the dialogue, to show that it's a new sentence.

“None.” Kyle shook his head, “They are quite clear.”

And again.

The little revelation about Mathew is very cool.

Still enjoying this. The plot feels well-paced, and you write good, crisp action scenes. I'll have more comments once I finish reading this chapter.

[UndeadSamurai01]

Kyle is most definately brainwashed as are all the SRT's, not just the regular kind of military indoctrination either, think 'Boure Identity'. They are also partially augmented, but I'm going into the SRT's in more detail in chapter 7. The non-SRT guards (like Andrew and Sam) are just regular soldiers. There are only 5 SRT's.

from chapter 5:

“They’re not ‘people’, they’re weapons,” countered John, aggravated “incredibly advanced and expensive weapons, but weapons nonetheless. They’ve been conditioned to take things like this without blinking. Hell, they could have an arm blown off and they’d consider it a minor inconvenience. Completing missions is the only thing they care about, we stripped away everything else, they can’t even remember their lives before they came here.”

But Kyle can remember one thing from his previous life, from chapter 4 (when he was on SWAT and killed two civillians) and this causes him to behave slightly different from the others, supprising Tolman(who is presumabaly responsible for their conditioning):

“You mind telling me what the hell that was?” demanded Dr Tolman, “I never ordered you to speak with her.”
“Sir, with respect, you didn’t order me not to,” Responded Kyle, “I w—“
“I didn’t order you not to jump of a cliff,” Tolman cut him off, “yet somehow you manage to avoid that.”
“Sir,” Replied Kyle, “I would jump off a cliff if I thought it would help achieve the mission objective sir.”
“Captain, are you making a joke?” Asked Tolman, deathly serious.
“Sir,” Snapped Kyle, “no, sir.”
“Explain yourself.” Ordered Tolman.
“Sir, when analysing the mission objectives I determined that communication was beneficial,” said Kyle, “sir.”
“Captain,” asked Tolman, “what do you remember of your career before joining PSA-1?”
“To be honest,” Kyle admitted, “not much, although there is this one incident-“
“I see,” said Tolman, “interesting.”

Mostly my fault I guess, having such a large gap between chapters.

edit: Also, there is a difference between having no pulse, and your heart stopping. If you are in ventricular-fibrillation (hence defibrillator) your heart are beating out of sync (i.e. arythmia), your heart is beating but not pumping any blood, so you have no pulse. De-fibrillation shocks it back into sync. You're probably getting confused between pluse and ECG (echocardiogram) readouts (machine that goes beep, lol c wat i did thar?) ECG measures heart activity, pulse measures arteries stretching and contracting - although I can see how what I wrote was kinda misleading. Presumably his armour's ECG software is smart enough to detect v-fib and report that there is no pulse.

Kyle was instantly by her side. He turned her onto her back and placed a finger onto her chest, his gauntlet reading the electrical impulses from her skin.
“She’s got no pulse,” informed Kyle, “the electrical shocks must have overtaxed her heart.”
He proceeded to remove a pair of defibrillator pads from the chest of his armour and apply them to her chest.

edit 2: oops my mistake, you were probably refering to this line -

He shocked her again, and to his relief her heart re-started. She was still unconscious, but they had to move now.

[c_nordlander]

Yeah, that last line is what I was thinking about regarding the defibrillator.

Continuing with my comments:

For his part Mathew dashed at a forty-five degree angle to Kyle, firing his woefully inadequate P90 the 9mm rounds, specifically designed to avoid over-penetration, barely scratched the titanium plates of Kyle’s armour.

Looks like you're missing a full stop after "P90".

Typo: "at tackle" should be "a tackle".

As they neared close combat range Kyle saw his opponent bend his knees in preparation for at tackle, with inhuman speed Kyle swung his foot upwards, connecting with Mathew’s chin.

I'd change the comma after "tackle" to a full stop.

I like the bit about how SRT's are incapable to surrender.

“I’m sorry my friend.” He mumbled,

Change the full stop at the end of the dialogue to a comma, and "he" shouldn't be capitalised.

You're using quite a lot of quote marks here. At any rate, I don't think "and 'hugged' Lisa" needs them. If he's hugging her to protect her from a blast, he's still hugging her. No need for the quote marks.

"WHUMP!" is another of those written-out sound effects that I find a bit silly in a serious story. Though as the sound emitted by a blast wave, I guess it serves the purpose of showing that it was no ordinary, loud explosion. I don't know; I like that idea, but written-out sound effects in all caps just don't work for me.

Apart from those nitpicks, the scene is good.

I really like the description of

Spoiler

Lisa emerging into the sunlight.

“We made it!” Exclaimed Lisa,

"exclaimed" shouldn't be capitalised.

Neat way to end the scene. I could tell *something* was going to happen, from the way you built up to everything seeming so happy, but still, very effective.

OK, you know the old joke "if a crime novel was written like a science fiction story, we'd get a two-page description of how a handgun works when the murderer fires at the detective?" Your story actually has... all right, a paragraph, but same basic idea. I can see the reasoning behind it (a sort of artificial slowing down the tempo at this critical moment), but I don't think the reader needs a long description of how a gun works at this juncture.

Lisa too, slumped to the ground

That comma shouldn't be there.

I like Sam's musings.

Typo: "laying there" should be "lying there".

but she hadn’t been awake more than a few seconds before Sam threatened to blow her brains out

I'd change to "before Sam had threatened" etc.

I like the explanation for

Spoiler

how Lisa could survive the bullet.

Didn't know she still had her vectors up, though.

"Despite this the concussive force was still great enough to knock her out cold." I think this would be better with a comma after "this".

Nyu? She thought to herself, that’s not even a word,

"she" shouldn't be capitalised.

The following couple of scenes are pretty good. I would probably like it more if you didn't write scenes that were detached from Lisa's point of view (e.g. "she didn't notice that..."), but that's up to the writer.

Spelling problem: "flack-jacket" should be "flak jacket".

“Are you OK?” Called Celia,

"called" shouldn't be capitalised.

Spelling problem: "alright" should be "all right".

“Look, see?” Celia called out again, “I’m not going to hurt you.”

That comma after "again" should be a full stop.

“Are you alright?” She asked gently, “what happened to you?”

"she" shouldn't be capitalised. However, the comma after "gently" should be changed to a full stop, and "what" should be capitalised.

Nice ending to the chapter.

Well, this is still good. I know you were unsure about the pacing, but as far as I can tell, the pacing is perfectly fine. The plot is pretty gripping, and this chapter made me feel a bit more for the original characters (particularly Kyle and Celia), whom I found pretty uninteresting before.

Spoiler

It's also nice that things are starting to look up for Lisa, even if she's still in serious trouble.

There aren't many problems with it. I still don't care as much for the original characters as I do for the main cast, but I think I'm getting to like them more. There's at least one bit of technobabble that's far too long (Sam's gun). The Elfen Lied reference is OK, but I'm hoping you won't put in too many references to things your readers haven't necessarily watched or read, lest it confuse them. (I don't think you *will*, but just in case).

Keep up the good work! I'm still enjoying this.

[UndeadSamurai01]

Yeah, that last line is what I was thinking about regarding the defibrillator.

Sorry 'bout that.

I can see the reasoning behind it (a sort of artificial slowing down the tempo at this critical moment), but I don't think the reader needs a long description of how a gun works at this juncture.

Yeah, slow motion is kinda what I was going for. When I read it I can see an awesome camerashot where the camera zooms through Sam's POV through the scope, drops down into the breach and shows the hammer striking the bullet in ultra show motion, the powder slowly burning (like in the newest James Bond intro) the bullet rifeling down the barrel. Cut to an overhead shot and show the shockwaves ementaing from the barrel in ultra slow motion then speed up to super slow motion and fly with the bullet.

I guess that didn't translate into text so well.

And as an engineer I like to know the rediculous forces and speeds involved - normal people, I assume, wouldn't find that so interesting.

Didn't know she still had her vectors up, though.

The idea was that her vectors are autonomic in protecting her (like blinking), while she may or may not have the psycosomatic block in place. Tolman was right to a degree, her vectors can be triggered by placing her in immediate danger. I guess I need to explain that more explicitly.

The Elfen Lied reference is OK

You mean that I called Lisa's alter Nyu?

I'm still working on chapter 7, up to 2623. Thanks for your continuting support.

[c_nordlander]

And as an engineer I like to know the rediculous forces and speeds involved - normal people, I assume, wouldn't find that so interesting.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's cool. It just seems... silly, I guess, to have such a long technical description in a serious story.

Didn't know she still had her vectors up, though.

The idea was that her vectors are autonomic in protecting her (like blinking), while she may or may not have the psycosomatic block in place. Tolman was right to a degree, her vectors can be triggered by placing her in immediate danger. I guess I need to explain that more explicitly.

Yeah, make that clearer and I'll be great with it.

The Elfen Lied reference is OK

You mean that I called Lisa's alter Nyu?

That's the one.

And good luck with your further writing!