Treatment "Neverknowne"

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Gulliver63
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Treatment "Neverknowne"

Post by Gulliver63 » Wed Jan 16, 2013 10:40 pm

I wrote this at work last December, and nearly forgot about it. For a long time I've had a fantasy world called "Neverknowne" where humans share an Earth with centaurs, cyclopes and the like. It was sort of a steampunk world that I threw together with some Tolkein flavoring. A high-mana world, it was mostly run by powerful wizards. This was just my way of playing around on the playground, but I really liked the character of Miss Chen...a tough centaur government agent. Again, as always, the playground gate is definately open.
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c_nordlander
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Re: Treatment "Neverknowne"

Post by c_nordlander » Thu Jan 17, 2013 8:19 pm

This sounds like an interesting idea! I like the title (the final "E" is a little bit cheesy, but it still works). The design for Chén looks great, too.

Moving on to the story.

Typo: you "pore" over a document, not "pour".

Apart from that, I like this. It manages to transmit quite a lot of detail about the world in a short time, and without being info-dumpy. I got quite a good feel for the characters, and I quite like Geraghty, despite his racism. It's a bit dialogue-heavy, but that works for this kind of scene. Definitely seems like it could make an interesting novel.
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Gulliver63
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Re: Treatment "Neverknowne"

Post by Gulliver63 » Fri Jan 18, 2013 1:28 am

Thanks! It's one of those things that might develop into something someday. I kind of like the way that the elves factor into the food chain of society. It's fun to try different things...
"We are today's creatures, locked in tomorrow's double feature..."
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Re: Treatment "Neverknowne"

Post by c_nordlander » Fri Jan 18, 2013 9:03 am

Yeah, the bit about the elves was my favourite part.
Pretty little baby
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon


-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"

Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me for more information.
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Gulliver63
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Re: Treatment "Neverknowne"

Post by Gulliver63 » Fri Jan 18, 2013 9:42 am

And the other part I wrote about the army is oh so true - if it looks good on paper, it looks good.
"We are today's creatures, locked in tomorrow's double feature..."
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